Aa
Resentful husband
My husband has a lot of anger towards women, that I did not realize until a few years into our marraige. we have been married 5 years. for the last 3 he has refused to take care of my sexually, or even allow me to touch him or be touched. he said he hates himself, because of "child support" that he feels has ruined his life..and the hell his Xwife put him through. He said he can't love me when he hates himself..He further resents me not working..he has moved us to 3 different states in a period of 4 years as he searches for the job that will allow him to be a "Know it all" each time I have to start over and find a job that is to his satisfaction. When we met I was making a good salary..in Calif...we have sinced moved to Nevada, Idaho and now Oklahoma, where wages are much less..he said I am being a mooch, living off him. (I get unemployment ) and pay as many bills as I can..he said when he "helps" me with some of my bills, he see's that as "love" and I should not expect sex and romance..but living without that is making me resentful, and my frusteration is mounting, and nowhere to vent it. Is there anything I can do to help him. so we can find ourselves again? or is this a lost cause...
I do have family, but they are all in California, with the recent move to Oklahoma, I have noone here...and Boy I have never felt so alone...I applied for a management job at lenscrafter..I know I have the skills and experience..but the manager that interviewed me was most likely my daughters age...I am 47 and getting a job is not as easy as it use to be. My husband told me tonight that if I can't find a job that is at least 40,000 a year, I can just go back to California, because he is not going to keep supporting me. I feel so worthless, and I don't see where I fit in the world anymore...when I tried to talk to him, and explain that the pressure he is putting on me for landing the "perfect" job is to much, he told me to stop the drama. He told me that I always want to talk to him when he wants "his private time" which is every evening..can't talk on the weekends cuzz Nas Car is on...I think he make me feel inadequate on purpose..but god thats hard to admit..that I let a man do this to me...but my options are few...Every bit of my unemployment goes to bills here...and if I mustered up the courage to leave...I would be leaving everything I own...with the exception of clothes and what I could fit in my car...the thought of starting over at 47 scares me to death, but I think he is betting on my fear to keep me held hostage...Sometimes I just wish I would die in my sleep...I ache to be held, and just to hear the words that it will be ok...I have thought about having an affair....just to get my needs meet...but thats wrong too....I appreciate everyone's imput..thank you for listening...and its nice to know a stranger can offer a kind word...
some man take is x problems on you..this was before you i take it..yes he ows back support and if he loves you he owes you back support in what hes not giving you..i dont mean sex.. i mean the love and him being selfish...
do you have family you can go to? a mom or dad you can stay with until you get yourself financially stable? with you moving around so much because he doesn't like not being the "know it all" is NOT good for your career situation. you'll never be able to have a steady, well paying career as long as you're doing that.
Your husband has far more than control issue right now. If you're unhappy then there's only a few things for you to do at this point. Try and set aside some time for the two of you to sit down and have a conversation where all the cards are laid out on the table to discuss openly and rationally. Without communication, you have no relationship to build up. You need to tell him your concerns about the way he's handling things with your job, lack there of...and the lack of sex, too.
HI,
We went through a bad situations with his daughter the first year we were married, he was accused of child abuse, and because I was an eye witness I can say with all certainty this was a false allegation, but as a result, a charge in Calif or child abuse, resulted in $60,000 and 2 years of our time in court, to beat to felony charges....we do not see his children..(at our request) or his...not my decision to make..and that was based on a recommendation from his attorney..She said this was the easier allegation to fight, if this child says you sexually molestes her next...you are done...so with that adviced we opted to have no contact..the courts have continued to bug us, asking we go into reunifacation programs, because the mother shortly after this turn the 9 year old daughter over to foster care...she has gone from one to another since leaving our home basically...she needs help...now almost 14 she is on drugs..dropped out of school...etc....So as far as my husband..he feels betrayed by the kids...and the fact he has to pay 1500 a month and never experience fatherhood with them makes him crazy...in his eyes he has no children...but I really believe thats where part of his anger stems from....anyway...to answer the question why am I still here....because I am stuck in this relationship due to financial dependency...for now.......hugz to all!
We went through a bad situations with his daughter the first year we were married, he was accused of child abuse, and because I was an eye witness I can say with all certainty this was a false allegation, but as a result, a charge in Calif or child abuse, resulted in $60,000 and 2 years of our time in court, to beat to felony charges....we do not see his children..(at our request) or his...not my decision to make..and that was based on a recommendation from his attorney..She said this was the easier allegation to fight, if this child says you sexually molestes her next...you are done...so with that adviced we opted to have no contact..the courts have continued to bug us, asking we go into reunifacation programs, because the mother shortly after this turn the 9 year old daughter over to foster care...she has gone from one to another since leaving our home basically...she needs help...now almost 14 she is on drugs..dropped out of school...etc....So as far as my husband..he feels betrayed by the kids...and the fact he has to pay 1500 a month and never experience fatherhood with them makes him crazy...in his eyes he has no children...but I really believe thats where part of his anger stems from....anyway...to answer the question why am I still here....because I am stuck in this relationship due to financial dependency...for now.......hugz to all!
ArmymomX3, I can't tell where your children are, or whose they are.
Why are you choosing to spend your life this way?
Why are you choosing to spend your life this way?
and you're still with him because??? if the man says he needs noone....leave his sorry bum @$$. i know me and my dh are having some....issues....right now but geez oh man i still get hugs and kisses from him. to live in a marriage where there is no intimate contact whether it's a simple peck as he's walking out the door to not having sex at all....i'd go crazy!
if he thinks he so self sufficient. that he doesn't need you (even if you don't divorce him) leave for a few weeks/months and let him see just how well he does on his own. see how much you really do, do for him. that there is no magic cleaning and cooking fairy that visits everyday while you sit around eating bon bons watching oprah. (i wish there was b/c that would have saved me and dh 5 hours of cleaning yesterday....)
does he resent his child? or just the ex and child support? does he see his child? how does he act with him/her?
if he thinks he so self sufficient. that he doesn't need you (even if you don't divorce him) leave for a few weeks/months and let him see just how well he does on his own. see how much you really do, do for him. that there is no magic cleaning and cooking fairy that visits everyday while you sit around eating bon bons watching oprah. (i wish there was b/c that would have saved me and dh 5 hours of cleaning yesterday....)
does he resent his child? or just the ex and child support? does he see his child? how does he act with him/her?
Wow, your husband has control issues, is very insensitive to you and most importantly his past relationship is haunting him and he has brought all his past baggage into your relationship and that is so unfair. How rude and distrespectful he is too you to dare call you a "mooch" when having a job know a days is a luxury. He is an angry and bitter person and you have become his punching bag and that's not fair. All we can do is offer our opinion and he doesn't seem like an aproachable type of man, because he is an angry man. If you leave him it will be another reason for him to be even more bitter, so he definately has an issue with women. I doubt if he will go to counseling.
Now for you: Let's put him aside for a moment, he is controlling you and effecting how you feel about yourself and the choices that you have to make such as constantly moving, losing a good job, no sex in 3 yrs and this is all unfair to you.
Time to re-evalute the relationship and how best to approach this man. Communication is key to your relationship and as I have told so many other that post in this forum, it's time to address with him your concerns, how you both feel, his neglect of you in the bedroom in a constructive manner. In other words, have a "discussion" without it turning into an argument or fight. If that does not work, suggest conseling, because this way of life is not working out for you, if you see no attempt on his part to address issues and concerns, you can either continue in this type of relationship or consider a seperation and take it from there. Good luck
Now for you: Let's put him aside for a moment, he is controlling you and effecting how you feel about yourself and the choices that you have to make such as constantly moving, losing a good job, no sex in 3 yrs and this is all unfair to you.
Time to re-evalute the relationship and how best to approach this man. Communication is key to your relationship and as I have told so many other that post in this forum, it's time to address with him your concerns, how you both feel, his neglect of you in the bedroom in a constructive manner. In other words, have a "discussion" without it turning into an argument or fight. If that does not work, suggest conseling, because this way of life is not working out for you, if you see no attempt on his part to address issues and concerns, you can either continue in this type of relationship or consider a seperation and take it from there. Good luck
Thanks for the feed back, He feels he doesn't need anyone in his life, he can do just fine on his own, I am at a point of just stopping all I do for him, Because I am not working, I get up at 5:30 fix him a hot breakfast, pack his lunch, run his errands...clean the house, wash the laundry, take care of the pets, all he has to do is go to work and come home to be waited on..and when I ask for some "time" with him, he is to tired...and of course as previously mentioned, sex is non existant, and hugs and touches are off limits, because "he doesn't need it". I just almost feel, he can't control anything in his life, so he withholds love from me as a form of passive aggressive control...maybe I am reading more into it then there is, but I spend so much time trying to figure out how a Man of 40 can have no desire for human companionship, it just seems so weird to me. As far as Councelling, thats a big "NO" tried...he said there isn't anything wrong with him...he is just making choices for himself..that meet his needs...he never has looked at us a "One" he said his last wife F***ked him so bad he isn't going to let that happen again...so he takes care of him...and I take care of me...if he gives me money for ANYTHING...he keeps track...hes like an elephant...4 years ago he put a downpayment down on my car...he throws that in my face constantly...if he didn't "LOVE" me...he would not have put money on MY car...his thoughts are so twisted...I told him last night I just want to go home to my family...I left everything behind for this latest move...to Oklahoma...and already here....we are behind on the first months rent...I don't get to see his paycheck stubs or his private checking account...so what he does with the money is his choice..he will not allow me to create a budget...because he says he won't let a woman tell him what he can or can not do with his money...I know this is such an unhealthy relationship...but now I am 1700 miles from home...and noway to get my things moved back...I am a hostage is his crazy world...but it does help to talk and get feed back! I appreciate you all....
Wow! he sounds just like the jack*** that I used to date a year ago... always whining, complaining and forever regretting having fathered the 4 children that he had from his two failed marriages. The man wreaked with self-pity.
Believe me, the problem isn't with you; nor your lack of sufficient finances. It's his bitter frustration because life hasn't turned out the way he had hoped... it's true, he
"hates himself"... yet, he's dumping on you.
Short of bringing in more income, I don't know what you could do to help him.
I suspect that when you find a job he'll probably find something else to complain about. Anyway, tell him that if he's going to be upset that he should direct his anger at the appropriate person, which is... himself.
Believe me, the problem isn't with you; nor your lack of sufficient finances. It's his bitter frustration because life hasn't turned out the way he had hoped... it's true, he
"hates himself"... yet, he's dumping on you.
Short of bringing in more income, I don't know what you could do to help him.
I suspect that when you find a job he'll probably find something else to complain about. Anyway, tell him that if he's going to be upset that he should direct his anger at the appropriate person, which is... himself.
You can't help it if you can't find a decent job if you guys move so often. The economy is horrible right now! Plus, when you get married, the bills are no longer "your bills," or "my bills." They're "our bills." You share everything from the moment you say "I do." So I'm sorry, the mooch thing is ridiculous. Plus, when you get married, it's for better or worse, so where you are struggling, he is supposed to pick up the slack, and vice versa.
Anyway, if he feels like he hates himself, he needs help getting past that, because, just like he said, he can't love you if he doesn't love himself. I hate to say that, but it's true. You really can't give much in a relationship if you're not mentally healthy. He needs counseling. If I were you, I would CAREFULLY suggest that maybe you guys need to speak to someone who is unbiased about this and this someone might be able to help him get through what he's dealing with. He can't do it alone, and apparently, he needs to talk to someone besides you to help him sort it out. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean he needs to speak with a professional. I hope you two can get to a good place in your marriage and move forward together.
Don't take all of this on your shoulders though, because it seems like he's being awfully selfish about the whole money issue and it's really immature. You two are one now. My husband told me when we got together that "there is no I, me, my, or mine, only we, us, and our." He can't be tight fisted all of the time and expect you to pay your own bills. They are his bills too. He also needs to know that a marriage isn't all about paying the bills, you need intimacy, communication, and trust as well. Get him some help.
Jojo
Anyway, if he feels like he hates himself, he needs help getting past that, because, just like he said, he can't love you if he doesn't love himself. I hate to say that, but it's true. You really can't give much in a relationship if you're not mentally healthy. He needs counseling. If I were you, I would CAREFULLY suggest that maybe you guys need to speak to someone who is unbiased about this and this someone might be able to help him get through what he's dealing with. He can't do it alone, and apparently, he needs to talk to someone besides you to help him sort it out. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean he needs to speak with a professional. I hope you two can get to a good place in your marriage and move forward together.
Don't take all of this on your shoulders though, because it seems like he's being awfully selfish about the whole money issue and it's really immature. You two are one now. My husband told me when we got together that "there is no I, me, my, or mine, only we, us, and our." He can't be tight fisted all of the time and expect you to pay your own bills. They are his bills too. He also needs to know that a marriage isn't all about paying the bills, you need intimacy, communication, and trust as well. Get him some help.
Jojo
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