I need help: Would you call your ex after no communication for the last 2 years?

[annie_35]

My main concern is about the no contact rule. The ex and I have been broken up since 2006, I still stayed involved with him until 2008 and it wasmy fault that I never changed my ways. Now that I think of it, I took him for granted all those years. I would get angry whenever he would tell me at the time he didn’t want a girlfriend or why we couldn’t get back together, and he would tell me not now. I knew the reason was because of me and my actions. I blamed him for what I couldn’t change myself. Everytime I’d get mad or controlling, I would tell him I never want to talkto him again and that’s what happened in 2008. A week later after we had spent time together, I knew something had changed within the quickness. I felt there was anther woman. I was right, that’s when I found out he was already seeing someone new. I had no idea, I was devastated. I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. It hurt a lot. I let a couple months pass, about 7 months, knowing he was still with this newgirlfriend and did something I expected not to turn out the way it did. I confessed my love to him, all through text, asked him why he never tried to contact me, if he felt anything towards me, justeverything I wanted to know for the past 7 months of no contact. Expecting him to at least say something in return, I never felt so rejected in my life before. He mentioned he didn’t know what he felt towards me, he texted me why did I wait so long to ask him this and that I shouldve contacted him before he had a girlfriend. I was lost, vulnerable and so hurt all over again. As much as I wanted to try to contact him the first time I even heard about him seeing someone new, I stopped myself. What was messed up of me and very selfish was that I did contact him when he was already with someone new.
Even during this text conversation, I kept pushing his buttons, if he had anything else to say, he said no, I texted more still asking if he was really happy, he replied back, yup. One of the last things I texted was that, “it would help me a lot if you told me to leave you alone” and I was in awe when he texted back “please do” I still went at it after leaving the last text at “you think I’m crazy huh” and I never heard from him until this very day of 2010.
I am going to admit, I tried calling, with my intention of apologize about a month after that all happened in 2008, but what I got in return was tht his number was not a working number. It killed me all over again that he actually cut me out of his life, and really, I thought he never would. I know one of the last things I texted was that it would help me if he told me to leave him alone, I just didn’t expect him to go with it. That’s what backfired on me and it still hurts til this day, maybe not as much, but I am still very clearly able to remember what happened that very time.
He was my first love, I was his second, the whole time we were involved- dating, actually a couple and post break up added up to about 5 years. I’m still trying to heal and move on.
How does the no contact rule work in this situation? I try to tell myself that he’s done me a big favor by changing his number, but I keep thinking, waiting he’s going to text me or call me. Last thing I heard about him was him and that girlfriend broke up and I never imagined that to happen. I hope he’s doing well, whther he’s still single or working things out.
I don’t want to be a fool and look like a big fool again if I try to contact him. I do have mutual friends where Im able to find out his number, I just feel it’s foolish of me to do so. I still think of him til this day and just wish I could apologize for acting the way I did. But if he really did go out of his wayto change his number, Im having trouble accepting this after so much time has passed. The way things turned out last time were ugly. I feel so guilty.
Should I even try to greet him as his bday is coming up?

[annie_35]

Thank you mami1323; you spreead hope and mre faith for me to believe the right one is out there, maybe just as hurt and anxious to keep moving forward.
You validate to give time, time and no matter how hard it may be, it is possible.
I hope for myself to not obsess over ideas that bring me down and beat myself over after all these years. How do I continue letting it all go?

[mami1323]

I understand if this was your first love that is hard to get over. It took me a year and a half to fully get over my first love and yes I was able to move on and fall in love again. You just keep moving forward and don't look back.

[annie_35]

Thanks for giving me some insight about me not being the only reason of him changing his number. Guess no one will ever know...
Is it really abnormal for a person like me to hold on to something after so many years? Were you ever able to move on from a first love and find a new one, that you knew was what you ultimately deserved?

[BabyHardiman]

Will you continue your obsession even after he is married, and has a family?  I have dealt with ex-girlfriends who just refuse to accept the fact that the man is gone and most importantly happy.  It sounds like your controlling ways will not allow you to find happiness outside of this man. . . why would anyone want to be dominated like that?  Would you enjoy it? Your best bet is to find common grounds within yourself, decide if you want to spend the rest of your life running the show for you and your partner.  Honestly, I would never want to run the show, it is wayyy too demanding to think that no one else is a good as you are and are never capable enough of making their own decisions.  

I'll bet that his girlfriend found your texts, or maybe he showed them to her, and they decided it was best to change his number.  OORRRR it could possilby be the he upgraded his phone or changed his service,  and had no other choice but to change his number.  There are multiple other reasons for changing a number, I would not focus too heavily on the ONLY reason he changed it is because of you.

[annie_35]

Thank you megochick101, don't think your post is harsh and I appreciate your honesty, from the bottom of my heart, I know it came from the bottom of yours to advise what is best, even for a stranger. I never really thought of seeing a therapist because I turned to my family and closest friends(friendships of almost 12 years) and even up till this day, they still understand and know it was hard for me to move on. I'm not sure if a therapist is in my choice of options because I never thought of turning to one and really never believed in them. I had a friend once who used one for anxiety and did not help her. I know it's different for everyone and that is just my opinion. I fully am grateful for your thought, dont take me wrong. I know the main reason why I feel the need to dwell and focus on the past is because he was my first boyfriend, first love and being involved with someone, good and bad/on and off, for almost 5 years. I really thought I was going to marry this man. I think that has something to do with it when I thought my life was set then and maybe just wish, it could go back to that state of happiness. Now that I wonder about it, it's easy to smile now for all the things I've experienced, work on myself, be in a different state of happiness and continue learning about myself.
I just get thrown off whenever I hear that he is not with this girlfriend anymroe and I don't want to take it as a reason for me to contact him again. Besides him changing his number, I already felt like a fool once being rejected and really don't want to open up an old would. I think if we were to cross paths, it'll happen all in God's hands and not me trying to force something to happen or expecting.

[megochick101]

I think like everyone else said you need to move on. How can you expect to form a true long lasting relationship with anyone new, if you are dwelling on this past relationship 2 years after it ended? He obviously tried to tell you multiple times that he has moved on and that you need to let him go. He even had to go so far as to change his number?

You should not in any way feel guilty, he seems to be doing fine without you, so there is nothing you need to feel guilty about. you need to realize that that part of your life is over and done with, and there are better parts waiting to happen but you need to look towards the future in order for you to see those things. One of these days someone will come along who will be so much better for you.

I would also suggest maybe seeing a therapist and try to figure out why you feel the need to dwell and focus on the past so much.

Sorry if my post sounds a little harsh, I don't mean it to be, i'm just trying to give my honest opinion.

[annie_35]

I am positiive he is over all the things & drama I put him through and what he had to put up with me all those years. I'm glad to learn the lesson that causing drama is not a good quality, no matter if I have other qualities.
Why do I feel so shameful that I am obsessed with the fact that he rejected me? I am very thankful that I have grown through this, through time and know what NOT to do in a next relationship, but it gets difficult even believing there will be a next one. I guess I feel foolish that I let "this one get away" still and guilty at the same time. I look forward to the next one all the time, but the fact is, I have been single after all these years, is it because I am still obsessing over this? How to move forward and just "forget" and really, ultimately "let it all go?"

[mami1323]

You can't change the past.  Who cares if he hates you, he's of no concern anymore.  He has moved on and you need to as well.  We all make mistakes in life and they are what molds us.  They are what we learn from and if we do, we don't make the same mistakes again in our next relationships. We grow and become wiser.  I'm sure he is over whatever it is that you have done.  Now you have to move forward and just say that the past is the past and look for a brighter future.

[annie_35]

I really appreciate everyone's comments and advice. It is hard to not look back. Even after all these years, I dwelled on this situation so bad and so much. How do I forgive myself for all the wrong I've done? I feel like he hates me even though we've had no contact in years, like jo929 stated, it's like I made him run faster..

[Judy246]

Ok sweety, his rejection is becoming an obsession with you. He has made it clear that he wants to move on by his actions, so it's time for you to accept what you can't change, forgive yourself for how you treated him and it's time to move forward with your life. We all go through what you are experiencing and it's very painful, but we learn, mature, become wiser and never repeat the mistake again. It's part of life's journey. Right now, accept what you can't change, surround yourself with family and good friends and start making a plan for what is ahead in your future. Yes, there is a beautiful full life after a broken relationship. You do need to make sure you have the proper copeing skills to move forward. DO NOT CALL HIM. Change your phone if you have to, put away anything that is going to cause you to flash back to the relationship. It is over and as difficult as it will be, you will go through the stages of the grief process. When we lose someone we love, we go thru a grieve period over our loss...like a death, but of the relationship, so we accept, forgive ourselves, forgive him for the hurt and take some time to reflect and move forward. There is life after a breakup and I recommend that you take college courses. I promise there is this great guy out there just waiting to meet you, but move forward and don't look back. Good Luck, Judy

[coolas]

This man does not want to be with you.  He has made this very clear to you.  You need to MOVE ON.  Some loves are just not meant to last forever..  Sometimes there is too much water under the bridge.  There are other people; other men in the world that you will be compatible with and feel excited about, but not for as long as you continue to obsess about your ex.  Chasing men is not a sexy look for a woman; relationships work better when the man pursues the woman of his desires - you don't want to have to convince any man to be with you, you want them to WANT to be with you.  

This guy has changed his number, he has moved on.  He has most likely matured and no longer wants the drama or ego stroking in his life.  Focus on yourself at this time; develop an interest that channels all this energy you are wasting pining after some guy who doesn't want you.  

A-

[penswriter]

he's obviously not interested in you. him changing his phone number is a BIG clue to that. if he told you to leave him alone....leave him alone. move on...it's obvious that he has.

[iam1butterfly]

The compulsion to communicate is understandable... if only to issue an apology.
But, by pursuing him... you open the door wide open for continued silence and further rejection. Learn from this experience and move forward... without him.

[jo929]

It does sound like he has moved on with his life, and you should do the same, also never chase a man they will just run faster  luck  jo

[mami1323]

I answered your other post. No he's not interested.