What to do???

[Dani3306]

Ok everyone I need some advice. I have 3 children to the same man. We have been together for 17 years. Our relationship has been rocky throughout. He has hit me on multiple occasions though out the years. Not a full out beating but there have been situations that have scared me. A little over a year ago I met a guy, randomly and not intended. We started talking and became very close. He had a girlfriend, so we essentially both have "cheated" now. My husband found out and turned around and cheated on me. But he still says he loves me and I'm the only one for him. The thing is I don't have those feelings for my husband like that anymore. And everytime I try to have that conversation with my husband he always brings my kids into it. So I go around pretending that everything is ok. And the other guy makes me happy but wont commit either. I feel so confused all the time.

[Nighthawk61]

If the relationship is not one that you would want your kids to have when they become adults, you need to leave or you need to demand that certain aspects of the relationship change, if you are to stay. Its' like an Intervention for an addict. A necessary part of making things right again..

He says he loves you, tell him to prove it by going to a marriage counselor.
.
He says he wants to stay together regardless if you have feelings for him or not, tell him to put out and say yes to going to a marriage counselor, to see if you can both work on an arrangement that you would not fight but simply co parent together.

Messing around with this other guy, is messing with your head, so it's counterproductive and needs to stop.

Lots of people make it on one income. They get by. Your kids would be better served getting by, and heading to college, than to know that there parent's lives are a mess that they refuse to clean up. It's a better example to be poor, than to accept abuse.

I know how hard it must be to have to consider picking up 3 kids and moving on at this point. I've been with my current husband for as long as you've been with yours. Do you own a house, that could be sold for liquid equity.?

[Londres70]

I am not sure what answers you are seeking here vs. I am sure what answers you are seeking here

My typing is terrible at times.  :(

[Londres70]

Not at all vs. Not all all..........typos

[Londres70]

No one is questioning you being a good mother nor is it easy to manage 3 children and yourself on one paycheck.  Not all all.

Maybe they are siding with the dad and putting the blame on you because they don't want him coming after them with the abuse?

I am sure what answers you are seeking here.  Neither guy, your husband or this other man is the answer.  The other guy is just interesting in having fun.......nothing more and nothing less.  Forget about him.

I don't know you, but I fear for your safety and the safety of your children and NO extra money or paycheck is worth your safety or your life.  The money won't mean anything if he chokes you to death or gives you a severe blow to the head so severe that you don't survive.  Where would that leave the children?  I would rather have a mother and live in poverty then to live without one.  I can't imagine my life if I had lost my mother to domestic violence because she decided to stay with an abusive man.  I can't imagine if I stayed with an abusive husband and he beat or choked one of my children to death in a fit of rage.  

Please seek help for yourself soon to sort you out.........why you are drawn to men who treat you poorly, why do you bring these men into your life, why do you think you need to put up with abuse for a paycheck, how to deal with the blame and guilt your children try to put upon you when you talk about leaving their dad..............therapy dear.  I think it would bring you clarity.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

You've been given much good advice here (not what You're really looking for,  I think).  I think denial is a powerful thing - and that You were looking more for support/validation for Your feelings - rather, everyone is more concerned with Your Husbands' abuse and the effect this is having on the Children.

I agree You should only stay in the home if He is receiving professional help for the abuse, and if not - You should leave.  You do not have to support the Children alone as He is (by law) obligated to contribute to Their support.

[Dani3306]

I absolutely know they have heard and seen things. I also know that when I say I'm done which I have done on several occasions it is complete turmoil and gets blamed on me. Despite what you think I am a good mother. My life is revolved around my children. Yes I have made mistakes and I have to accept I have. I want to leave, and I want it to be as communicable as it can be. But he makes it impossible. Its not easy raising 3 kids on one income and that has a lot to do with why I have stayed.

[Chima7]

You're not giving your kids enough credit. You may think they don't know or aren't aware, but I guarantee they know and have seen/heard a hell of a lot more than you think.

[Londres70]

It is obvious this other man isn't looking for anything serious...........no need to worry about a second marriage failing here as he doesn't even want a serious, committed relationship.  

Dani3306,

"How do I make that stop?".............Seek professional help as you can't tackle this on your own.

Have you ever considered counseling?  If you are determined to stay in this marriage counseling is a must.  A professional can help you sort all this out and offer you healthier solutions to your problems.  Getting involved with another man while married to another is NO healthy, prudent solution.

Just because the children "never really seen much of the abuse" doesn't mean they never will and it doesn't mean he won't start abusing them.  You are putting the children in jeopardy by staying with an abusive man who is receiving NO professional help for his issues and you are being co-dependent as well by ALLOWING him to stay in the home. The ONLY way I would even consider him staying in the home is if he was receiving INTENSE professional help, but he isn't.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  It's a complicated situation.  What about living on your own?  That really does seem to be a reasonable idea considering the circumstances.  THEN, he can go to therapy and work on anger management and self control and rehabilitation from violence.  Why this is important is BECAUSE of the kids because without any paper trail to support abuse allegations, he will be granted partial custody or visitation with the kids if you two are not together and you will want him to have worked on these issues so you can safely leave him alone with the kids.

That in and of itself is reason to begin calling the police if he is violent.  You NEED official record of this.  

You should not be putting band aids on the situation by playing around with another man.  That really won't help.  And then things like you doubting your own character come into play and you might begin to feel very badly about yourself.  It would be MUCH better to make a clean start in life.  

good luck

[Dani3306]

Here's to add a little more information to the story. Obviously you cant fit 17 years into a paragraph or two. My kids have never really seen much of the abuse. And I did get a pfa on him in November but he just comes back because I dont have enough willpower to put him in jail to not hurt the kids. When he is gone the kids are miserable. They take his side and then I feel like no one is on mine. He plays the kids against me all the time. How do I make that stop?

[Chima7]

My advice is pretty much common sense. You're a mom and therefore your kids are priority #1. Their health and well being should be your top concern. Logic dictates that raising them in an abusive environment is both unhealthy and unsafe for your kids. Ergo, as a mother, your only clear option is to take your kids and leave the abusive husband.

[Grace313]

It definitely sounds like not only a physically abusive relationship, but emotionally abusive one as well.  You have to make a decision and resolve to stick to it.  It will be hard, but if you are leaving pain and abuse behind, it will be worth it.
If this is something you are considering, do not run into the arms of another man.  Secure your own home and life then try dating again.
Be sure to think things through and don't discuss your ideas or thoughts with your abusive husband. It is very important to keep it a secret until you are sure and you have a game plan.  Abusive men can be volatile and become worse if they suspect and want to stop you from leaving.  You have to have your bases covered first.  IF this is the route you plan to take, get together with someone who knows how and plan it out first.
It is never good for children to watch this kind of relationship.  They will growing up thinking this is normal and o.k., I left because I didn't want it for my children.  I got into one because my mom was abused.  I decided to break the cycle once and for all.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with SpecialMom that You don't need either of these men in Your life now.

ditto ScalpMassager also

To say it's been a 'rocky' 17 years is putting it mildly.  Hitting AND cheating are BOTH major situations.  This is not a stable, loving, respectable marriage and You should realize You are modeling behaviors to Your Children :  

that's it's okay to hit or be hit, that it's okay to cheat and be cheated on.  I'm sure You don't want this for Your Children but Children do Learn What They Live and They do Live What They Learn.

I too, suggest a Women's Shelter;
I too, suggest counseling for You and for Your Children

GoodLuck

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, the first thing to deal with in this post is the hitting.  This is never acceptable under any circumstances.  Make this clear to your husband.  That this is something you will call the police for from now on and it is a marital deal breaker.  Second, meeting another 'guy' when still married never works out very well.  Truth is, he knows you will cheat if unhappy and therefore, will always have doubts about you and trust issues.  You will feel the same way about him.  Second marriages have a high fail rate all on their own but when they overlap previous relationships, you really have to count on it ending badly.  You need to break it off with HIM and not wait around for him to commit in my opinion.

As to your marriage.  It sounds like you feel you have to be with a man.  Is this to be taken care of or fear of being alone?  I ask because you list two options---  be with husband or be with 'guy'.  What about a third option where you are on your own, getting some counseling, seeing what you feel and who you are when NO man is in your life.  Maybe feelings would redevelop for your husband or maybe not if you are left with some time to clear your head.  

My vote is that you go on your own for a bit and sort through what is best.  good luck

[ScalpMassager]

Separation/divorce is expensive and inconvenient.  

But I think the bigger issue is your children are being raised in an abusive household (do you really want them to pattern after their parents' practice of abusing and receiving abuse?).

I urge you to visit a women's shelter or someone who handles referrals to one, and see what your options are.