Should I stay married

Question

Should I stay in a marriage with a one way love? We've been married for  23 yrs. no children.  We were happy but financial problems always the roots of our fights. We lost our house, car and just rooming in with a friend. His job wasnt paying good and I couldnt find a job for 2 years now. He said that he couldnt support both of us so he pretended to go back to his own country to look for a business opportunity. Things went downhill with our relationship. He never cared about me anymore, holidays went by and no greetings at all. Still he was in touch with my sister and that's all I get information about him. Then we were offered a job to work together in Hawaii. I emailed him and asked help to relocate there even he wasnt interested but he excitedly accepted the offer. Now we are about to move and live there together.

Things though are not the same. I found out by reading his emails that he is still so madly in love with his ex girlfriend who is married now. They got a child together. He is professing his love that he will wait for her to be together again and that he is separated already and soon to be divorced. The girl ignored him that's why he decided to come back to me. Im so much in pain. I know that he doesnt love me anymore but he will just stick with me because of the job and the money he will save living in together. 

I would like to know if I am right to file for divorce but still, we will be together after that. I thought it's easier to rationalize and sort out my feelings knowing that we're no longer husband and wife.

specialmom · Accepted Answer

Hm.  You've been married a long time and it sounds like it was good a lot of those yeats.  Then hard times hit and like a lot of couples, you two fell apart.  His move away and the emotional distance it created is sad.  Do you think he was at such a low point that he was looking for ways to make himself feel better?  As in, if he's been married to you for 23 years and you were happy for many of them-------------- this is a VERY old girlfriend.  He has had contact with her due to their child?  How much?  But as she ignores him--------- she is not interested.  He sounds like he was reaching out for a "band aid" to fix his life.  He wanted to feel like he did when he was young and life wasn't complicated like it is now.  You have seen him at his worst.  This is a great thing really but some feel like it is hard to be with someone that is disappointed in them as I'm sure you were when he was struggling so financially.  Could he be a little depressed?  

So, this is what I am saying.  He has not cheated it doesn't sound like.  He sent emails during a time of distance that were rejected.  You have an opportunity to get to know each other again.  So, I'd go to Hawaii--------- embrace this new job and chance at marriage with him.  Tell him that you want to see if you two can be close again. Then see if he puts forth effort.  If he does not, after some time begin working on the idea of living apart.  But as you have no job now and this is an opportunity------------ I'd take it.  See what happens and keep an open mind.  I know you are hurt.  And I am sorry about that.  And maybe this won't work out in the end.  But I'd try one more time.  What do you have to lose?  good luck

ps----------- as you have no children, if you find that you can not rekindle the relationship, divorce is an acceptable option.  But he has not cheated.  He sent emails that were rejected.  So it is okay to give this another try.  good luck

foolish8 · Answer

I didn't mean to select SpecialMom as Best Answer, not that I didn't like her response...but.as I was doing cut and paste to send it to my friend, it accidentally pressed that option.

All your advices makes sense and I want to take it all in. At the end, I think it's the situation and interaction of our reunion that will lead me to whatever next step I  have to make.

Thanks all!

foolish8 · Answer

@ anniebrooke - yes, we are in the entertainment business.

@rockrose  -  deep inside, i guess i don't want to split up but if he says he wants to, i will let him go. I don't want to force him to stay if he doesn't love me anymore. Maybe we will separate amicably.

RockRose · Answer

If you don't have any children, and you don't want to be together anymore, just split up. If you have a mutually abrasive relationship that neither of you want to be in, and you don't have kids, split up.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

What kind of job requires you both?  Are you entertainers?

foolish8 · Answer

Lol! Yes, Im excited since it'll be my first time in Hawaii. 

That's why when I emailed him to accept the job, I told him just help me relocate, and if he finds it not to his liking and he wants out.....both of my life and his job.....I think I'll be better.
Better because I have a job and new places, new friends,  that I wont associate him to.
Overall, I am not a wreck emotionally this time. Unlike 13 years ago, I had a rapid weight loss that my friends and relatives got really worried and got mad at him. This time I THINK i can handle....crossing my fingers.  

This is a good forum, good place to ask for advices...I wish I found these years ago. I didnt have to spend at those useless Fortune tellers and Psychiatrist....LOL!

AnnieBrooke · Answer

Seriously, I'd be more excited about the job than the husband, myself.

foolish8 · Answer

Yes healing takes time but it was worth it when I gave him a second chance 13 yrs ago. We have had happier times after that. We've talked abt him having a child with the other girl and I could accept that. I was even the one who searched for the girl in the Facebook to find out about his child knowing that he'd be interested only with the child and not the mother anymore since he said so. Well, it's just he didn't know that I read his emails recently when he started to contact the ex after he moved away from me. Telling the ex that he's separated from me for good and if there's still a chance for them to be together again....so painful to read.

Anyway, majority of my friends telling me and even his sister to have a fresh start in Hawaii. Different place, different environment and we both have jobs, so less financial straints. I realize all that. What's killing me is knowing that he still loves his ex. Do I have to ignore that?

Hawaii is really a good thing. It's like a break for both of us. Sure you can go :) Thanks!

specialmom · Answer

I am sorry he cheated on you 13 years ago and I'm sure that still really hurts.  That is new information for me.  He came back though and you made it work?  You were happy for several years before this latest episode?  But still, that does make this a riskier proposition.  I do think many couples come back and heal after infidelity.  When someone is motivated to make things work, they certainly can get past the pain caused with effort.  
I am wondering how it goes with him when you talk about this.  Have you told him that you are aware that he had been contacting his ex?  What does he say when you ask him how he sees the relationship with you?  Ask him where he sees things going.  Ask him how he thinks both of you should handle things in order to get closer.  His answers will help you get a read on how he is seeing this relationship.  If he were wanting to try and make this work for "real" himself, then it is worth trying again.  Perhaps you don't have these kinds of conversations with him and that is how it got to this point.  So, I'd try to have them even if painful and see what kind of information you can get from him as to where his head is at.  

This is hard.  I do think a job in Hawaii is a good thing (can I go?).

foolish8 · Answer

I am weighing all options. I still have to talk to him face to face. 
Who knows he wants to be divorced too so he could continue his fantasies.

Thank you for all these advices.

inga511 · Answer

I have not been married 23 years but I watched my parents return together after infidelity happened in their own marriage. The bitterness and hurt is very hard to let go. I would move on and start fresh with someone who is willing to put you first like put them first. You are worth it.

Inga

foolish8 · Answer

I will head to Walmart now. Thank you.

lovemykids465 · Answer

I say give it a chance see if you can rekindle the relationship at least you can know you tried!
Have you ever read the book the Love dare? I recommend you do. (Walmart carries it) it may help.

foolish8 · Answer

These are wonderful comments. It made me cry. Of course I do love my husband. I know he didnt cheat just because the other girl is committed. But I guess it's the emotional cheating that hurt me most.. Anyway, divorce or not, I am going with him to Hawaii since the job is for the two of us. He:s still not here with me, we've been apart for almost 6 months now and he will arrive next week. .

I was trying to decide if to divorce him before going there so it will be easier for me in case he really doesnt love me anymore or as you suggested give it another chance ..... but ladies.....this is gonna be the 3rd chance. This is deja vu. 13 years ago he did the same thing, left and met that old girlfriend, that's when they conceived that child.  That's why my heart is so heart broken, I should have done it 13 years ago. My husband beg and plead that he truly love me and we will be together for the rest of our lives...... that's what he said also in the email that I resent to him to refresh his memory, but I didnt get answer on that. 

I still have to wait his actions when he's back with me, I am so weak. I wish I have the strenght to move on...Thank you for your kind words, it makes me feel better.

AnnieBrooke · Answer

Is there a possibility you will find yourself with no job in Hawaii?  For example, could he get there with you and then somehow wind up with a job himself but nothing for you?  If the job is for the two of you or neither of you, I would go.  Even if the marriage is over, it's great to have a job in this economy, and maybe if the stress over money is reduced or eliminated, you two will find that some of the old love comes back.  I am sorry that he emailed an old girlfriend, but it might not be so much love as escape fantasies that he was having.  I'd give it a chance, and see what happens in Hawaii.