Should I tell my husband he is not the father of my son?

[babettecon]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years with two children.  I had an affiar and became pregnant, the child is just an infant.  My husband has no idea that the child is not his.  The biological father knows that he is the father.  I have no idea what to do.  Do I tell my husband and risk him divorcing me and having my name bashed into the ground in my family and community and have our family split up?  Do I just not tell anyone and have the birth father and I be the only ones that know this dark secret?  Will my son ever want to know the truth about his birth father? The birth father is going through a divorce right now and says that he does not want us to bring it out into the open at this time.  Please do not judge me, I realize this was the biggest mistake of my life.  I am looking for advice and similar stories. Thank you for your help and consideration.  I pray that somehow I can find an answer.

[Betrayedbymom]

Would love to hear the outcome.  

Here's my story.  I found out ber recently that I am not my father's child.  The posts are so true that the cat will eventually come out of the bag in this day and age of commercial DNA testing.  I am still devistated.  My relationship with my mom will never be the same.  I always suspected I was different.  I was often asked my ethnicity br strangers and even close friends who know my parents.  I even used to joke about it, but never truly believed it.  Subconsciously, yes I knew.  Today I wish I didn't know the truth.  I wish I was told the truth from day one.  I am more heartbroken over this than anything else that has ever happened to me.  At first I wanted to end it all because the secret is killing me.  My life has now turned into a horrible lie.  I found my biological family.  My bio dad is deceased.  Some have been very kind, others have been incredibly nasty.  I'm the black sheep of the family in both sides.  I have feelings of alienation.  I can't share this secret with anyone as I know it will ruin so many lives, yet I want answers about my biological family.  I have children.  I can't even tell them because of their relationship to the man I call dad, the man that raised me.  The man that I adore for giving me a home.  The think that kills me is that he had no choice in the matter.  I had no choice!  I feel like I'm betraying the man that raised me with this horrid secret.  I shake uncontrollably when ever I am with my dad.  I  am so ashamed.  I

'm so hurt that my mom didn't tell him when I was born.  This whole situation makes me physical sick and yes, I have done therapy for the last year.  There is no happy outcome to being my mom secret holder or letting the truth come out.  I know longer feel like I belong.  The dad who raised me I tells my children of their heritage.  

I too am betraying my children with this secret.  It's a vicious cycle if deceit and betrayal.  If your child cannot trust their own mom, how are they to have healthy relationships?!?

Please own up to your mistakes.  My mom has been unhappy and a nervous wreck all her life.  She was always angry.  Behind every angry word or action is hurt.  She hurt because she was living a lie and it came out a pore of her body.  I can only imagine the pit at grandlake the bottom of her stomach.  Now, it's the pit at the bottom of mine.  It's my broken heart.  I have been passed this evil torch of deceit and u did nothing wrong.  No person should ever have to live this way!

It only gets worse with the "what ifs."  What ihappens when my parents are both deceased, will I then be able to let my guard down and release the truth?  Will my siblings disown me or fight me as the designated trustee (by the man who raised me) last will and testament?  Again, not my choice, but you can see the predicament I am in.  I hate my newfound life.  I hate not feeling like u belong.  I hate what my mother did and didn't do!  Please don't do this to your child.  I am scarred permanent.  I don't see the same person in the mirror.  I see the heritage I belong to which is polar opposite that what I lived my entire life!!!!  I even had plastic surgery to assimilate to my family when I was barely out of high school.  I even wore colored contacts to look more like who I thought my family was.  The affair has negatively impacted my life and overtime has just gotten worse.

Please do the right thing!  Please stop the vicious cycle of lies now before it spills onto that incident child that never asked to be born.  

Sincerely,

Betrayed By Mom
Aka Forever Heartbroken and living in a wave of decit

[emma_b27]

Sorry to resurrect a dead thread, but can we get an update? Did you end up telling your husband or did you decide to let it go and take it to your grave?
How are things now?  

[DorindaM]

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH ScotsGuy1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SO true. You will feel a guilty pit in the bottom of your stomach and a deep pain in your heart every time you see your husband with your little boy knowing that you are cheating 3 people out of the truth, The bio dad has a right and your little man does to. You already betrayed your husband DONT DO IT AGAIN. please tell  your husband.

[ScotsGuy1]

..... Also to thinkpositively1
Betraying your partner once is bad enough.
Betraying him every day is quite another altogether.
Tell the Truth & face up to your responsibilities.  
Consider how you would feel if the situation was reversed.
OK men cannot lie in the same way women can here.
But imagine your best friend or sister's child turned out to be fathered by your man. That would be about the closest equivalent.
And they lied to you every day of life about it.
The Truth is always best.
True Love cannot be based upon ongoing lies.
Good Luck

[thinkpositively1]

I know this post is old but I was wondering how things turned out. I am in a similar situation; only I've let it eat at me for 6 years allowing a man who I know is not my daughter's father to raise her. (We haven't been in a relationship for a while now) I don't need a DNA test either and are 100% positive who her father is. Her bio father was married at the time but I wasn't. He has recently divorced and now he and I have been extensively talking about letting this cat out the bag. My conscious has been killing me but I wanted to hide this as much as he did while he was married... It just dawned on me (I'm a dummy here...) that whether then or now, the math is easy and people will still know I had an affair with a married man, then knowingly allowed another man (who I was not in a relationship with when I became pregnant) to raise her. The man who has been her father has been in love with me forever and still tries to convince me that we should be married and give "our daughter" a 2 parent home... smh Her bio dad, now divorced, says we are too old not to do the right thing and that we should be married... (sounds like some bs since if either of us was "doing the right thing", we wouldn't be in this position now.) I would love to hear your story ended well... I need encouragement and hope for a bright outcome out of this mess I've created...

[AnnieBrooke]

I am for telling because I don't believe the secret will keep.  Someone else knows.  The guy does, and maybe someone he has told, or the person who works at the hotel, or the person who accidentally saw you together.

I do have trouble understanding how you are so absolutely positive, if you haven't had a DNA test.  You can't judge by how a baby looks.  If you simply had not had any sex with your husband for several months and this affair was in the middle of that time period, well, as RockRose says, your husband may already know.  If he does know and has made peace with it, your options are a little less complicated.  Chances are he will want to stay married, and so at least you're not in the position of having to risk your family over the situation.  If you had sex with both men within a short time window, then there is a chance of either man being the dad.  Get the DNA test, I hear they are available at Walgreen's, and you can test with you, the baby and the man you think is the father, without your husband ever knowing.  At least you will rule out (or in) the possibility that it is your husband's.  I would do that before you do anything else.