So confused

[Tess1313]

Hi I'm a 22 yr old female who just ended a relationship with a 21 yr old male. We were dating for just over a year and I left him on New Years Eve actually. Here is my problem, we're both taking time apart which we both really need. However, the issues we have I don't know if I can over come. He wants to me to be more loving, now when I say this its more he wants me to be more touchy feely aka more cuddling, more kissing, he wants to hang all over each other. Now when I was younger that's just how it went, but now I'm 22 and my trust in men is not the best. Therefore my ablility to be so lovey is limited. I have a wall up that a lot of women do and he hasn't cared enough to get around it. By this I mean, he doesn't seem to care what I'm all about. We have barely anything in common and our conversations (to me) seem rediculous. It's never serious about life issues and common goals. Mostly because we have none, he has no life goal and me on the other hand, I am going to be a doctor. He acts so immature and I'm 22 going on 45. I have high standards and goals for myself to reach. When we first got together I knew he liked to smoke pot a lot and I told him I will not have a stoner boyfriend. If he's smoking when I'm not there then I don't care but around me I better not even smell it. He agreed completely. Now however he is smoking all the time again and recently started selling it! (Yeah I know). So on new years eve I told him to stop smoking in front of me that I didn't appreciate the lack of concern for my feelings, he flipped out and told me that he's not going to quit smoking and if I don't like it that its my problem. Also, he was calling me names, putting me down, and just flat out treating me so wrong (this isn't a new thing when we fight, he generally always does this). So being the strong woman I am, I said goodbye and called a cab. We decided we needed the time apart, but if he wants to be together (which the way he's acting, I'm thinking he does) I don't know if I can go back to this. I know in my gut that I shouldn't but as we all know the heart will always object. I do love him, actually I love who he used to be and not who he's become. But I know he's no good for me. Everyone I talk to has some sort of bias, whether towards me or towards him, so I've decided to ask ya'll. And the stupid girl thoughts "he could change" though I know no man ever will change for any woman. No man will ever love me that much to care how I feel and want to take care of me when I can't be strong? Then I get angry too; there is never a prince charming that will show up is there? All men are like this aren't they? So if they all are why not just stay with him? And people have told me there will be a man that will be your prince charming. Then why have I only met losers? And I mean allllllllll losers. Not one who was sweet, compassionate, caring, loving, RESPECTFUL. Is it bc I'm young as well so guys between 21-23 are all still children? I just need some help, I don't know what to do about this guy. Thanks.

[babypooh]

I agree with the other comments here and want to add something: it's not true that all men are like that so you should just stay with him :( No! Yes, men are sometimes thoughtless and we complain that they are insensitive and lazy when we marry them, but different men have different habits as we women do and most are things we're willing to tolerate. Smoking or selling pot should NOT be one of those things you should tolerate. You know what you have to do; don't go back with him. Good luck.

[Tess1313]

Thank you all so much. This helped very much. I actually just got back from lunch with him and I can definately see I'm better off alone. It's not that I want a guy right now, but looking into the furture if I meet one I am terrified that they're all morons lol.  I've been making some extreme changes the past few months (getting healthier, working out, eating a little better), and he is still such a stoner. I definately agree to be being single for a long time and finding more about me before I put myself out there again.

[AHP84]

In my opinion, the majority of guys between the ages of 18-25 are all still children. Very few have the maturity that young women in the same age range have (not saying that many young women in this age range are very mature either, but generally speaking, young women mature faster than young men).
Slow_healer had some really good advice. Don't settle for this type of guy, because not all men are like this. I'd recommend just enjoying the single life, like slow_healer mentioned, or, if you feel like you need to have the intimate male companionship, then look for a man over the age of 25 with a well-established career, a good relationship with his family, and no substance habits or addictions.

[slow_healer]

"he doesn't seem to care what I'm all about"

Listen to this feeling. It's your gut telling you what he's about - bang on. Right now he's more about being physical than he is about future goals. There's nothing wrong with that if it works for him, but you need someone who works for you.

Yes, guys take longer to mature than girls do. So why do you need to have a guy right now while they're still idiots? Why not wait a couple years? Work on the person you want to be so that when Mr Right comes along, you'll be ready to embark on those future goals.

There's nothing wrong with being 21 and single. This is the time to enjoy friends and going out. It's the time to figure out what you need to make you happy. That's not going to come from a boyfriend who wants to smoke weed and make-out instead of work towards the future. Let him live the life that he wants, and start working on the life that you want. You've no idea what you're turning down or missing in life because he's preoccupying so much of your attention. Good luck.