I want the mother of my child back.....

[DavidWilson90]

First time posting here and i will try to keep this as short as possible. The ex and myself were together for 8 years, we have a 5 year old son together. She wanted to move back to her home country with our son, during this time we were still together and i flew there up to 8 times in one year. We were still together but living in seperate countries for just over a year. I left my country and found a job in her city 1 year ago. Everything was going well, occasional arguments over really silly things. I felt as though my life was complete again. I had the woman that i love and my son in my life every single day and i felt so happy. Then last year a week before christmas she broke up with me and said she wanted to move back to her mums house. There is an age difference between us (She is 38 and I am 28). I asked her why and she said that she is just not happy. I asked her what it is that she is not happy about. She told me that it is because we have too arguments and that we had some slight problems with money but everything was getting better. On new years eve i spoke to her and she said that maybe we can try to make things work and talk about things then the next day she said that she just wants to be on her own and doesnt want to be with anybody. For the past four months i have been going to see my son as much as possible and spending time with him almost every other day. I havent been able to sleep for four months and i am not ashamed not say that i have cried about this a few times. I love her so much and honestly i cant see myself being with anybody else. There has been a few times that we have been sitting and talking just about normal things and joking around but she hasnt shown any interest in getting back together. Four months is a long time to be feeling like crap almost everyday. I cant keep her off of my mind, i dream about her, my son and us just being a family again and honestly this situation is killing me a little bit inside everyday. Just honestly looking for any advice on this or just to talk with somebody.

[Amanda123444]

Have you ever considered that she maybe having an Affair

[Nighthawk61]

I think you can access therapeutic health care online from where you are, and i think that it's imperative that you do. You're in a very bad situation, if you are in a country or a village where you cannot find a loving partner. You deserve that. In my opinion the mother is selfish taking the boy away from the country where the child was born and away from the father.  If she were considering the best interests of the child that it. But i don't believe that she is. There are many kids that don't have a choice whether they have a father or not, but that is not the case, you are a good loving father and your son would suffer needlessly if it were impossible for you to be with him consistently. It should be her that moves back to where you met, so that you can live your life, find wife to help you coparent your son. That's what would be in the best interests of the child in my mind.  So much so, that if you were legally married, i would suggest that you fight that the child be taken away from your country. I do not believe that the mother is necessarily always the best choice of custodial parent.

[Nighthawk61]

I have a lot of respect for you that you are attending to your child. I think you need to cut out of the equation having anything more to do with his mother though - after all of the information you have given.  Are you able to communicate enough to date where you are? I know it's hard for you to imagine doing so, but i think that it would do you good. You don't have to be intimate to date. Do you have any female friends where you are?

[DavidWilson90]

I have a few close female friends here that I work with, hike with, talk with etc. But honestly at this moment in time I really don't want to be with any woman intimately, emotionally or sexually. I can't even picture myself being with another woman.

I have never fell in love before and this was the first time that I have ever opened up to anybody like I did with her. She knows things about me that not even my best friend or family know. Honestly I can't see myself doing that again or falling in love with a woman after all of this.

I grew up never knowing who my father was and never meeting him. I could never put my son what I went through as a child. I always wanted to have my own wee family, be happily married, have a house together and just live a normal happy life. But things change and honestly I just want to be on my own. Do things for my son and with my son.

I have a really good job here as a Head chef of an expanding family business, I have my own place to live which I got from my employers and I earn more money here than most teachers haha. I will be fine in time. But it was good to talk about all of this, get some perspective and get all of this off my chest.

[DavidWilson90]

I have a few close female friends here that I work with, hike with, talk with etc. But honestly at this moment in time I really don't want to be with any woman intimately, emotionally or sexually. I can't even picture myself being with another woman.

I have never fell in love before and this was the first time that I have ever opened up to anybody like I did with her. She knows things about me that not even my best friend or family know. Honestly I can't see myself doing that again or falling in love with a woman after all of this.

I grew up never knowing who my father was and never meeting him. I could never put my son what I went through as a child. I always wanted to have my own wee family, be happily married, have a house together and just live a normal happy life. But things change and honestly I just want to be on my own. Do things for my son and with my son.

I have a really good job here as a Head chef of an expanding family business, I have my own place to live which I got from my employers and I earn more money here than most teachers haha. I will be fine in time. But it was good to talk about all of this, get some perspective and get all of this off my chest.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm really glad to hear that you have a great job and place to raise your son when he's with you. It's cool that you are happy to be by yourself at this time. Hopefully though you'll end up dating and finding a women that is capable of commitment. I do appreciate that it was tough on you not having a dad, and again, i respect your commitment to you son, and doing right by him so he doesn't have to feel the pain that you did not having a dad around. It is good to get it off your chest and throw it out here. Continue to talk about how you feel. You might not want to use your real name, here it's mostly anonymous, and by being so, you can talk about things without any worry of anyone reading it and knowing who you are.  I understand what it's like to finally open up and talk about your feelings, I think it will help you to do so more widely. I think if you do, it might stop you from thinking that your son's mother is the only one you can open up to? you know?  I'm glad your safe and in a good place, other than the unrequited love part of course.  But, time will help to mend your broken heart. Just please don't be used by this woman who doesn't love you enough to commit. You deserve much better than that. I guess the little guy will keep you honest about that. I'm sure you don't want him to think that his dad is a door mat or is being used in an unhealthy way. ie. my dad does everything my mother asks of him, attending to her needs, but they're not together. and he's not with anyone else. Of course he's a little young for that lol but you know what i mean.  You sound like an intelligent guy, and i hope that your life continues to be full of love laughter and happiness regardless of your marital status. Keep us updated as to how you are doing.

[Nighthawk61]

I guess what i mean by you finding the right women, is that it would be a good example for your son of a marriage that works. It's unlikely he will be taught that lesson from his mother, and unless you provide the example of a healthy relationship, he's unlikely to know it exists. Of course, there is time. Take it easy.

[specialmom]

Oh, I didn't mean to imply you felt sorry for yourself!  Depression is a mental health condition that people can't help if they have it, sometimes based on life circumstances and sometimes just based on brain chemistry.  Sexual issues can be part of that.  That's why I brought it up.  Taking new medications can also contribute if you do any of that. Otherwise, maybe it IS emotional just from missing her?  Anyway, glad you get out and about.

If you see them both daily, that's not really long distance.  I misunderstood and thought you lived elsewhere.  

Anyway, I'm really sorry.  As anniebrooke says, it does take two people to want a relationship to work and she seems to be trying to nicely tell you that she is not wanting it.  That hurts when you love someone but especially when you have a child involved!  Time does dull pain though.  I would keep busy, work really hard, and you can stop doing things for HER like driving her to work.  That is kind of you but you will want to move on and be less with her than with just your son in order to move on.  And she needs to not depend on you if she is going to continue to want to be broken up.  

Glad you spend time with your son and you love him like you do!  That's great!!

[DavidWilson90]

It would be better for me if I could just cut all connection with her but I know that in order to see my son I have to have some form of contact with her. Yea it's not only driving her to work, I have picked her up a few times, borrowed her money which I never got back, drove her to the doctor a few weeks ago, go to pick up things from the shop for my son so she doesn't have to.

Honestly there is times I wish I could just vanish and never have to see her again because everytime I see her I feel so sad because I know we will never be together. I realise that I gave a lot into this relationship and didn't get much back from her end. The three of us were supposed to go on holiday in two weeks, she called me and said that she has cancelled the holiday and that she needs to pay the rest of it and she told me I have to pay for half also which honestly I don't think is fair because me and my son really wanted to go on it regardless if she wanted to or not.

To be honest I think she is with somebody else anyway. Her boss always drives her home from work (even when we were together) I asked her how she got home a few times and she said that she had walked home when I knew that wasn't true because his car pulled up outside and she got out of the car. She told me he has a girlfriend which is not true, she deleted messages from him on Facebook claiming that she was deleting all her messages which she never does, everytime I have seen the guy he keeps giving me really bad looks and I have never even a had a conversation with him. I don't know if I'm being paranoid or slightly jealous but I just have a gut feeling about this. (also she was married when we met each other)

There is days when we talk normally and there is no problems then out of nowhere she will call or message me and create some problem out of nothing.

I have spoke to a few of her friends before about past relationships that she has been in and none of them made it past 8 years (myself included) her best friend told me that she left all these guys for the same reason she left me......... Because she was not happy.

I will try my best to move on from all of this, but I know it will take time.

[specialmom]

So, why a long distance relationship?  If you want to be MORE in your son's life and have any hope of being with her, you'll need to figure out how to live near her.  That's my suggestion.  Even if you do not get back together with her, it would be easiest on you and more natural to the relationship with your son if you live in the same town as he does.  

Unfortunately, she's been wishy washy but I think you can see her intentions.  She probably does care for you but does not want to be with you.  This is hard!  Rejection is hard. But she sees something between the two of you that she doesn't feel you can overcome as a couple.  You have to accept it.  I'm so sorry!  

Sexual issues such as lack of erection can happen when someone has different things going on like depression.  Do you think you are depressed in a clinical way?  

[DavidWilson90]

She wanted to move back to her home country while I saved money and looked for a job in her country. Plus her grandmother was very ill this time and a few months after she passed away. I am living in her village and working there for a year and a half now. I spend a lot of time with my son. I pick him and the ex up most mornings, take her to work, drop the wee man off at nursery, pick him up most days and on my days off I go and see him or take him places.

[DavidWilson90]

Also no i do not think I am depressed. I exercise regularly, spend time with my son, go out with friends etc. I don't sit in the house in my free time and feel sorry for myself.

[AnnieBrooke]

Hi, that is very hard. And it's quite a short time to try to give up on dreams, so of course you are still sad. But you have to realize that relationships take both people, and if one person is not wanting it, the other cannot make it happen. It might be time to see a counselor.

Here is something that kept coming up in my mind when reading your story. You're in love with an image, of you, her and your child all being together. But it's only an image, not reality. As things are, she is not with you and wants to be home with her mother. You are not in love with that. What is it about the image that you feel compelled to try to create despite all the evidence that it does not exist? Can you get some parts of that image in real life without trying to force someone to feel something that she clearly doesn't feel? For example, can you have relaxed and friendly times that do not lead to you expecting that suddenly the three of you will be together again?

Basically you're chasing an illusion, possibly that is prompted a little bit by ego or control issues and not so much by love. It's unpleasant to be left, it feels out of control. Please talk to a counselor about all of this, it will help a great deal.

[DavidWilson90]

Honestly seeing a counselor is not an option, as I am living in a different country and the village i live in is very small and not a lot of people speak english and the language is quite hard to speak (though i am trying)

I'm not in love with an image of us being together, i am in love with her. I have been since the day i met her and honestly i dont think i will ever feel the same way about anybody else. I have accepted her choice but i think that i will always love her. I am not trying to force her or anybody else to be with me and i wouldnt want that. I know she still loves me because she said that she still loves me a few months back but she just wants to be on her own for a while and that in this moment in time she doesnt see a future for us. I never said that i expect the three of us to be together again, and i am not expecting that. I am staying in this country for my son and thats all. If he was not in this country then neither would I.

I am not expecting us to be together, all i have tried to say is that all of this is quite difficult. Its quite hard to talk with anybody about these things. I am not trying to control any of this situation, all i am trying to do is control my feelings, stop over thinking and just try to learn to be happy on my own because i honestly dont want to be with anybody else right now, cant even imagine myself with any other woman at this moment in time. I just want to sleep normally instead of waking up 2 to 3 times per night.

One thing that i didnt want to mention before........since we broke up I havent been able to get a proper erection. I dont know if that is conected in anyway to us breaking up but I have never had a problem in that area before. I dont even find myself aroussed by any other women or porn.

I just want all these feelings to go away.