Aa
To tell or not to tell?
My 20 year old son and his 21 year old girlfriend have been dating for two years now. He is in the Marines and she lives at home with her parents.She dropped out of college and went to work ( two jobs) because her 14 year old sister had a baby ( the baby has downsyndrom) and Amanda helps take care of her. She is a very sweet girl but not very motivated but then again neither is my son. Going into the Marines is the best decision he ever made. The girl he was seeing before Amanda I was not to happy with but I knew it would not last. I always encouraged him to find someone like Amanda so thought it was funny when they ended up going together seeing all through high school she hated him. He was an annoying little pest in her words and I have to admit he was. Any way, She flew down there last week to visit him ( comes home tomorrow) he is quite serious about spending the rest of his life with her ( even though he is still young he said she is the one) but It has recently been brought to my attention that she is possibly cheating on him with her ex boyfriend . I say possibly because it is second hand info, but My daughter and I have kinda suspected it for the past two months. The boy she is with ( alleged) is friends with my other son and he talks about her alot. He is also the cousin of my daughters best friend who is the one who told me she walked in on them kissing. Kate wanted to call him ASAP and tell him but I told her to wait until She came home as not to stir up trouble while she is there. What do you think? do we tell him or not.
I'd talk to her, but wouldn't go so far as to repeat what you have heard to her. If your relationship is OK, I would just ask her, in a sympathetic way, how serious she is about your son, keeping your feelings about whether she just sits there after dinner instead of clearing plates to yourself. You kind of sound like you have already made up your mind in the negative about her, when a lot of what you are repeating might have a more innocent explanation. (For example, as a guest in someone else's house, I wouldn't automatically jump up to clear plates, either, though I would certainly do it for the family, in my own house. And suddenly what you said was being caught kissing is now being caught making out. I would just not go there with the girl.) Anyway, if your relationship is becoming edgy because of this going to the movies thing, then don't challenge her by asking her intentions regarding your son, but simply ask her to be sure of her feelings, since your son is getting so serious. Then butt out, leave it alone, let them work it out. You could be making errors of interpretation even now, and it won't help for you to be in the middle of their relationship, now or ever. Would you have liked your mother-in-law to be fielding a gossip network about you, when you were first with your husband, and watching for the chance to tell her son to get away?
I think that talking to the young girl and in a nice way, tell her what you've heard. Don't be judgmental because she is young and she may not even know what she wants. Sounds like there's a lot on her shoulders with 2 jobs, a boyfriend in the Marines, and just life in general.
Just let her know that whatever is going on, or not going on, she needs to do the right thing for herself and your son.
Even if she is "cheating" with this ex-boyfriend, it could be because she lonely, scared and confused.
While it's still gossip and you don't have solid evidence, it does sound like there could be something real going on. That's why going asking her out and finding out the truth from her, is a good way to go.
I know you don't want your son hurt, and you don't want to accuse this girl of something that's not true, but they are young and if you can save someone from going done a bad path (like choosing the wrong partner), I think it's worth it.
It's ultimately up to you and you have to feel comfortable about everything too.
Good luck to you! Hope it all works out.
Just let her know that whatever is going on, or not going on, she needs to do the right thing for herself and your son.
Even if she is "cheating" with this ex-boyfriend, it could be because she lonely, scared and confused.
While it's still gossip and you don't have solid evidence, it does sound like there could be something real going on. That's why going asking her out and finding out the truth from her, is a good way to go.
I know you don't want your son hurt, and you don't want to accuse this girl of something that's not true, but they are young and if you can save someone from going done a bad path (like choosing the wrong partner), I think it's worth it.
It's ultimately up to you and you have to feel comfortable about everything too.
Good luck to you! Hope it all works out.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh and let me just say that I realize the fear of his buying a ring for her and she actually IS cheating. Ugh. That is a tough one! Could you tell him mother to son that you think he should wait until they are living in the same town again and to be together for a while then to make sure it is right? (which is a good idea anyway??)
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. Well, first on the subject of being motivated. She lost my vote when you said she quit school to babysit her sister's child. That was an excuse and a poor choice on her part. I'm a stickler about what you do in your late teens and early 20's often sets the tone for the rest of your life. If one is not going to go to college, then they need to go to some type of trade school or start something they can have a career with. Your son joined the military----------- great. He may come out on the other side an ambitious young man! That action early on sets a tone. Inaction on her part sets a pretty specific tone for what will follow for her as well. I guess ths is FYI as you are his mother and who he chooses to be with is his choice. I think that I'd start asking her to help if you are at a function and she is queen bee sitting . . . ask her to join you doing dishes. Because if she does become your daugher in law . . . how long will it be before you resent her for not helping out? And at this point, she may not know any better. Giving her the benefit of the doubt and asking her to help makes sense to me.
Honestly, as to all of the rumors and whatnot------------- don't get involved. Don't talk about it with her. That is just my opinion but I just think that bad feelings will start. What if the rumors are true and they stay together? Then she will forever feel like you have bad feelings about her. And if they aren't true, she'll think you thought bad of her from the get go. You just can't win. So let them deal with it. Try not to find anything out. Just stay away from the topic.
Pretty much everyone here is saying that. It's hard------------ I wish you luck. Peace.
Honestly, as to all of the rumors and whatnot------------- don't get involved. Don't talk about it with her. That is just my opinion but I just think that bad feelings will start. What if the rumors are true and they stay together? Then she will forever feel like you have bad feelings about her. And if they aren't true, she'll think you thought bad of her from the get go. You just can't win. So let them deal with it. Try not to find anything out. Just stay away from the topic.
Pretty much everyone here is saying that. It's hard------------ I wish you luck. Peace.
I really do like the girl. I actually get along better with her then my own son at times lol. Growing up she was never in trouble, did well in school, is very athletic, just a real sweet girl. Joe was always into the troubled ones. His last girl friend was in and out of the mental hospital for suicidal attempts and cutting. I asked why he always went for girls with troubled past and not someone like Amanda? When they did got together I was overjoyed . I still like her but I saw some things in her that I guess are just normal for a young woman her age but I have trained my children a bit different. When ever we are at a get together my children will always ask the host what they can do to help. They will clear the table, help with dishes and so on. She just sits and lets everyone wait on her. She has lost her last two jobs b/c whenever Joe is home on leave she calls in sick so she can spend time with him. That is what I mean by unmotivated. She has also called and asked if Kate could hang with her ( before Kate got real ill this past time) and I found out she was the one who set Kate and the 20 year old guy up. She would tell me Kate was with her but she would drop her off at Ausitns). I did speak to her about this and told her Kate would no longer be hanging out with her unless it was at our house. Now I hold Kate responsible for her her own actions so I do not blame Amanda but I did expect more from an adult then to set a minor up with an adult.
Joe called me a few weeks ago and asked me if i thought it was wrong for people of the opposite sex who were in a committed relationship to go to the movie with another individual of the opposite sex alone. I told him if he did this to amanda I would kill him. He said she did it to him. He would not tell me with who. She called me and asked me if he told me I said yes, she said it was just a friend. I said it was between them but if Joe went out with another female I would be deviated. She said but she and Joe are not married I said I know but you are talking about it. She said she got my point. Then I found out about this so called ex. This is the one she was at the movie with and his cousin was also there with her boyfriend and they all went back to her house ( cousin) and that is where she caught them making out.
Kate wanted to mention something to Joe before he purchased the ring which he plans on doing in August. I guess you are right we just need to stay out of it. I was also thinking about inviting her to lunch one day and telling her that there are rumors going around about her and her ex and seeing what she has to say about it.
Joe called me a few weeks ago and asked me if i thought it was wrong for people of the opposite sex who were in a committed relationship to go to the movie with another individual of the opposite sex alone. I told him if he did this to amanda I would kill him. He said she did it to him. He would not tell me with who. She called me and asked me if he told me I said yes, she said it was just a friend. I said it was between them but if Joe went out with another female I would be deviated. She said but she and Joe are not married I said I know but you are talking about it. She said she got my point. Then I found out about this so called ex. This is the one she was at the movie with and his cousin was also there with her boyfriend and they all went back to her house ( cousin) and that is where she caught them making out.
Kate wanted to mention something to Joe before he purchased the ring which he plans on doing in August. I guess you are right we just need to stay out of it. I was also thinking about inviting her to lunch one day and telling her that there are rumors going around about her and her ex and seeing what she has to say about it.
I understand the want to protect your child, but this is something that they have to do on their own. If she is cheating on him, then he'll have to figure that out and then deal with it independently. It's better to just not say anything, because if you are wrong about this situation, then anything you say or do in the future will come off a lot worse.
I'm fairly certain my mother knew my ex had cheated on me, but she didn't jump in to tell me. My ex knew my brother and they had good mutual friends. The mutual friends knew what was going on, my brother heard about it and my mother probably did as well. I found out about a month later when I saw a picture on his phone and a few text messages. As much as I would have loved to know sooner that my ex was a low life cheater, I'm glad my mother didn't step in because it was something I had to deal with and learn on my own. It was not my mother's relationship, it was mine and after I found out, I then dealt with it myself. It was a lesson I needed to learn/do independently, so that I could learn from that relationship and move on to a better one later.
So basically, just stay out of it and let them handle the situation. I know it can be hard, but it's for the best.
I'm fairly certain my mother knew my ex had cheated on me, but she didn't jump in to tell me. My ex knew my brother and they had good mutual friends. The mutual friends knew what was going on, my brother heard about it and my mother probably did as well. I found out about a month later when I saw a picture on his phone and a few text messages. As much as I would have loved to know sooner that my ex was a low life cheater, I'm glad my mother didn't step in because it was something I had to deal with and learn on my own. It was not my mother's relationship, it was mine and after I found out, I then dealt with it myself. It was a lesson I needed to learn/do independently, so that I could learn from that relationship and move on to a better one later.
So basically, just stay out of it and let them handle the situation. I know it can be hard, but it's for the best.
I can actually give you a GREAT example.
My mother.
She accused my now husband of cheating on me. Saying she heard this, heard that. Saw this, saw that. My husband has never cheated on me. She caused us to break up a few times while we were dating.
My husband and I made it through her meddling and have been married for 3 years. My husband absolutely HATES my mother. He won't have anything to do with her.
I should to. She nearly ruined my relationship and continues to try. But I still talk to her because I love her and she's my mom. When she comes to our house there is so much tension that she never stays for long and she always asks why I keep choosing him over her. My simple answer is he's my husband, father of my children...the person I'm spending my life with. She doesn't like it. He still hates her.
Don't let that happen to you.
My mother.
She accused my now husband of cheating on me. Saying she heard this, heard that. Saw this, saw that. My husband has never cheated on me. She caused us to break up a few times while we were dating.
My husband and I made it through her meddling and have been married for 3 years. My husband absolutely HATES my mother. He won't have anything to do with her.
I should to. She nearly ruined my relationship and continues to try. But I still talk to her because I love her and she's my mom. When she comes to our house there is so much tension that she never stays for long and she always asks why I keep choosing him over her. My simple answer is he's my husband, father of my children...the person I'm spending my life with. She doesn't like it. He still hates her.
Don't let that happen to you.
Annie, that's exactly what I was getting at. Without real proof, everything is heresay. And with "mom" asking this girl of her intentions, she can take the answer at face value. I'd still suggest knowing what we "know" right now that telling her son isn't an option. It could cause damage between mom and son.
Brice -- thing is, she doesn't have 'bonafide factual evidence.' She has evidence that the guy talks about her son's girlfriend a lot, which could simply be him still carrying a bit of a candle for her, it's not proof at all that she is any longer interested in a romantic relationship. And she has hearsay evidence -- a cousin said she saw the guy kissing the girl. I'd wonder: what's the cousin's ax to grind in all of this? If she really saw it (and I wouldn't necessarily believe it), what in fact did she see? (Even friends kiss sometimes -- if the two of them were bedmates and hiding it, seems like they would be in the bedroom.) And what was the situation? Were they at a party where everyone was being a little over-the-top? Is there proof that even if she did this one time, she intends to keep doing it? There are just too many places the mom could make a big error, especially since this is based on interpretation and not facts. Even if she had actual facts, she has no business talking to her son about it, only the girl, to urge her to do the right thing by her son.
There is nothing wrong with her simply asking the girl her intentions regarding her son without all the he-said-she-saw stuff. There is a lot wrong with spreading a whole bunch of half-baked observations and analyses that might entirely misinterpret the situation. If the girl is in love with her ex after all, and if the mom asks her in a nice, friendly and sympathetic way, she (the girl) should cough up that she's having doubts or whatever. If she does that, then the mom has the opening to ask the girl to please come clean with her son so he can deal with it, and that is all it will take. But if the girl doesn't admit to any doubts, the mom has no option but to take it at face value. It might be totally true that she has no doubts about the son.
There is nothing wrong with her simply asking the girl her intentions regarding her son without all the he-said-she-saw stuff. There is a lot wrong with spreading a whole bunch of half-baked observations and analyses that might entirely misinterpret the situation. If the girl is in love with her ex after all, and if the mom asks her in a nice, friendly and sympathetic way, she (the girl) should cough up that she's having doubts or whatever. If she does that, then the mom has the opening to ask the girl to please come clean with her son so he can deal with it, and that is all it will take. But if the girl doesn't admit to any doubts, the mom has no option but to take it at face value. It might be totally true that she has no doubts about the son.
I'd stand back from this and let the cards fall where they may. Like some of the others suggested, what if your information is wrong and now your son accuses you of trying to sabotage the relationship? I don't know, but for me that would be hard to live with.
If you have bonafide factual evidence that she is cheating, I'd respectfully bring it up to her first and tell her that she needs to do the right thing and tell your son before you do..... nobody wants to see their children hurt, regardless of their age. Some of this though is probably some of lifes hard knocks.... it stinks to learn things the hard way.... Tread lightly!
If you have bonafide factual evidence that she is cheating, I'd respectfully bring it up to her first and tell her that she needs to do the right thing and tell your son before you do..... nobody wants to see their children hurt, regardless of their age. Some of this though is probably some of lifes hard knocks.... it stinks to learn things the hard way.... Tread lightly!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I agree that I'd wait and try not to get involved. If she does end up being your daughter in law down the road . . . that could cause it to be difficult.
question--------------- you describe her as not very motivated . . . and yet you say you wanted your son to be with a girl like her . . . that is curious to me.
I worry about these two in the future. Two unmotivated people often have a VERY difficult life together verses if one of them is ambitious . . . it spurs the other into achieving more. I'd actually encourage your son to take his time and not rush into any permanent situation any time soon!
My kids are still little . . . your posts reminds me that I'm in for a 'life time' of worry! Peace!
question--------------- you describe her as not very motivated . . . and yet you say you wanted your son to be with a girl like her . . . that is curious to me.
I worry about these two in the future. Two unmotivated people often have a VERY difficult life together verses if one of them is ambitious . . . it spurs the other into achieving more. I'd actually encourage your son to take his time and not rush into any permanent situation any time soon!
My kids are still little . . . your posts reminds me that I'm in for a 'life time' of worry! Peace!
This one is a really hard one for moms. As hard as it will be I think you need to back out, put your blinders on and leave it between the two of them. It is for them to deal with. Sometimes being a Mom is sooooo hard and this is one of those times.
I agree with pens and annie - if you tell your son about this and the source is not accurate - your son (and his girlfriend) could end up very angry and upset with you.
I know as a Mom you want to protect him, and the thought of him being cheated on is not a good one - but until you know 100% that she is cheating with this ex I wouldn't say anything.
It could a very grey area like she IS flirting with the ex but not actually being physical with him - hard to say - but it would be awful to say something and then end up with your son very angry and hurt that you got involved in their relationship.
Good luck with this situation, and i'm glad the marines are working out for your son!
I know as a Mom you want to protect him, and the thought of him being cheated on is not a good one - but until you know 100% that she is cheating with this ex I wouldn't say anything.
It could a very grey area like she IS flirting with the ex but not actually being physical with him - hard to say - but it would be awful to say something and then end up with your son very angry and hurt that you got involved in their relationship.
Good luck with this situation, and i'm glad the marines are working out for your son!
I'd call her and ask to get together for a quick cup of coffee. Then say you've been wondering how serious she is about your son. Say it is not your call whether she should be or not, but say that if she is not, you really hope that she will be honest with your son. Then butt entirely out. You really don't know anything for sure, and passing on the half of the story that you have heard (which might only be a fourth of the truth, if that much) to your son is unkind and possibly foolish if someone along the line is either not telling the truth or embroidering on things.
I'd wait until you have solid proof. he said/she said isn't very reliable sources.
Don't stir the pot if it doesn't need to be.
Don't stir the pot if it doesn't need to be.
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