Money & college?

[jessilb]

My daughter is 18 and will be going to college next year.  She is very focused on becoming a pediatric surgeon.  Her father will not help her with college unless she spends some time with him at least once every other week.  My daughter is completely against this because her father didn't have time for her growing up.  We were never married and he didn't want to be a father at first.  He started spending time with her once and a while when she was 6.  He lived upstairs from his mother who took my daughter every other weekend.  Whenever she would go up to see him he was too busy to spend time with her.  He has not really ever been a father and now he wants to penalize her for not wanting to spend time with him.  I mean what 18 yr. old girl wants to hang out with her dad anyway, unless they are super close?  I do not know what to do about this or how to approach him because he is one of the most stubborn men I know.  I cannot afford school for her as I am on SSI.  She can get some scholarshipd, grants, and loans, but it will probably not be enough to cover everything.  If anyone has any thought on how to approach him and what to say to get him to help please let me know.

[Nighthawk61]

Holy crap, what a predicament. I think that I'd be asking a therapist on how to get through to your husband. It's very awkward for a young girl your daughter's age to have a father all of a sudden want to spend time with her. He needs to know that this could really affect her sexuality. I mean why is it that he's all of a sudden attracted to an 18 year old girl? It just seems strange to me. I guess it could be that he just couldn't connect with a child and feel more comfortable with an adult relationship. But he needs to know, that if he really wants his daughter in his life, it certainly can happen, but it has to happen when his daughter makes that move. Undoubtedly she would if he had her best interests at heart and helped her with her education. Maybe he could be talked to about this being a way for him to try to make up for lost time?. But, you can't demand love. He should be able to understand that. I'm just wondering if there's a way that you can get through to him, even though he's stubborn. It sounds like he' wants a relationship, so maybe if you know how to approach him (maybe by letter) with all the right things to say, you can change his mind about his unrealistic demands. That's of course if he has the income to easily help. Otherwise, I agree, loans are the way to go for your daughter. Congratulations on having such a wonderful daughter, you must be SO proud. Good job raising her Mom!!!!

[thatquietgirl]

I know in community colleges in CA, if you're under age 24, you're considered under your parents' income with few exceptions (primarily, military).  Since you're on SSI, here she would qualify for the BOG waiver and not have to pay for the units and she would probably qualify for many other things.  I might suggest looking into the community colleges in your area and finding out those policies.  She can get her general ed requirements and most likely some prerequisites done a lot cheaper at the community college level then transfer.

However, if she can qualify for entrance into a university straight off, she can probably get some kind of help, a scholarship or what have you.  Any school she applies to will likely have a financial aid department where she can apply for aid.

The FAFSA is something that I believe extends beyond CA and throughout the US.  It lets her apply and they determine if she qualifies for a loan or a grant, and she'll enter her schools, which will award accordingly.  She'll need to find out deadlines.

[Londres70]

Agree with SM.  

[specialmom]

Hi there. Well, it is okay to write him off for sure if he was neglectful in the past of being a father.  However, he then has every right to say he doesn't want to pay for college in my opinion.  If she forces herself to spend time with him to 'just get her college paid for (or partially)' that is not right either.  So I would tell her dad that you don't want his help with her college and she can see him if she wants to.  I'd encourage her to do so as in general, having both parents in your life even if one wasn't always there is still a good thing.  maybe old wounds she's got could be healed.  But if it is a transaction to get something paid for----  that is teaching her the wrong thing.  I woudn't encourage that.  Hopefully if she wants to be a pediatric surgeon, she's got stellar grades and can get scholarships to offset costs.  And getting loans is part of life these days for most students.  She'll survive.

good luck