Trouble accepting stepson

[lazyleggs]

I am aware that what I am going to say here is selfish and... wrong... so please dont just bash me and tell me what a horrible person I am. I am looking for some positive advice or reassurance or something.
I am engaged to be married. No date has been set yet. My fiance has a 2 year old son.... with a married woman. Although the issues with this woman are unimaginable, I dont want to make that my main point. My problem is that I am having a REALLY hard time accepting the fact that he has a son. My fiance has had almost no part in this kid's life until a few weeks ago because this woman's HUSBAND thought the kid was his the whole time. So it's all been this GIANT secret. And now that they are getting a divorce and the paternity tests are in that it is my fiance's son, he is SOOOOOOOOOO excited and happy and wants to see him and be a part of his life and yadda yadda. But it's all so overwhelming for me all of a sudden. And I'm extremely bummed out because WE are getting married and we're supposed to start our OWN family and have our OWN children. Now my fiance is experiencing all these 'Firsts' with this other kid and his mom. First word, first cute thing this, first cute thing that....  I am having a very hard time being understanding about it. I guess I dont get why, after never having anything to do with him for 2 years, he wants to now. It's complicating our relationship SO MUCH. Now we have to deal with his EX and this kid that suddenly appeared. I just dont know why..... why he cant just move on and be with me???????? It's tearing us apart and I dont think it's something I can handle. I'm only 25. He's 31. I never imagined dealing with something like this. Am I a horrible person if I can't find it in me to deal with this?

[mami1323]

Thanks for clearing it up.  I thought that he wasn't aware that the child was his and that the woman had lied to all of them.  That makes things a whole lot different.  

OP - he is not a good guy then.  That is incredibly disgusting.  I can't believe that two people would lie like that.  I feel sorry for this child.  I think then your second guessing the relationship is a good thing and you should do what will make you happy.  I don't think he is commendable at all.

[AHP84]

Actually, if you look back at some of the last posts by this young woman, her fiance was involved with his ex for like, six years. He knew they had a child together and she and he let the woman's husband believe it was his for the last two years (I feel sorry for the poor now-ex-husband and the child most of all).
This guy also lied to the OP about his relationship with this woman; the OP didn't know the extent of it until a few weeks after she was emotionally involved with him.

Lazyleggs: Personally, I don't know what you see in this guy or why you want to make a future with him. I definitely don't think you're a horrible person for having these feelings, but if you really want to marry this guy, you have to accept the child and the involvement with his ex that'll come with him. Those two issues are not going to drop off the face of the planet--they're permanent and very, very involving ALL the time.
If you want to take it all on because you love him, then go for it. If not, there's nothing wrong with moving on and starting over again with someone who will experience all the firsts with you...which sounds like the way you'd like to have it, and there's nothing wrong with that.
One way or the other, I'd definitely recommend postponing the marriage until you get this figured out for you.

[mami1323]

Ok, I may get bashed for this but I think you are being really unfair to this little boy.  I am with a man who has had 2 kids prior to our son so I understand some of the feelings you are having.  Like I knew that he had experienced child birth and his childrens firsts and it did bother me for a little bit but he didn't even remember it because his kids are older.  Plus, he didn't appreciate it as much because he was young at the time.  But you have to understand the boy is 2, your fiance missed out on the first 2 years.  Something that you will be able to experience with him.  He missed the birth, he missed the newborn years, he missed the first smile, the first giggle, the crawling, the first step and so many more firsts that he will get to experience with you.  He had those moments taken from him by this woman and don't you think that it makes him a special man to be happy about knowing he has a son.  What a great quality that he is wanting to be a father to this boy.  You should see him as an amazing person rather than think about how it will effect you.  Another man would run from this but he's willing to take on this role.  I think you should try and get close with this little boy.  Bond as a family.  Who knows, he may grow close to you and love you.  That love is amazing from a child, especially a child that isn't yours.  It makes you feel nice and warm inside.  I love my step kids and I LOVE the fact that they want to be with me and are close to me.  It's a wonderful feeling.  I say just stick by your man, this must not be an easy thing for him either.  Imagine not knowing you have a child for 2 whole years and then having that thrown at you.  Part of being married is standing by through the good times and the bad.  I guess I just feel that it would take more strength for you to stay and make it work then it would for you to run.  How much do you really love him?

[katarina777]

I also don't think there is any evidence that you have been projecting any negative feelings onto that boy. I have not heard you say anything that suggests you have a problem with the child at all, personally. You only said that you are thinking about your own children and that is all and totally understandable. So, don't take on any more guilt, OK?

[katarina777]

I would not get married either in thew near future. And before, there were restraint set. The ex of your man's ex did not know that the kid was not his, so they had to be careful. Them his ex girlfriend who he has the kid with was his boss, and no longer is.

I think all the comments are great except the one opinion that the kid is not baggage. of course he is no matter how wonderful and innocent. Kids are really, really hard on couples even if they are the couples children and in a good marriage.  i don't think kids should be romanticized that way. I love my kids dearly but they are a pain in the butt often in the same way I am, and everyone is.

last, lazyleggs, if your feeling about not trusting your fiance are that strong, I don't think you should assume you are paranoid and unreasonable with your feelings, and that they are bad and that you should not have them.

Listen to your feelings and take them seriously. Your mind and heart may be trying to tell you something that you are not listening to and that you should be listening to.

[Agiesmom]

I dated a man with a 2 yo once--I didn't know he had a child when I met him and I couldn't handle it--all the drama of the boy's mother bad-mouthing me, my boyfriend feeling too guilty to ever tell him "no", by boyfriend getting angry with me when I told his son to keep his seatbelt buckled (when he was in MY car).  Then I thought about the things you think about--how he already had those "firsts" that I have yet to experience.  Then I imagined the boy's mother saying, when the boy was 13 and out of control, "I've had enough--YOU take him!" and I'd imagine how I would handle that and thought about having to possibly put my own children through it all.  I realized that I couldn't do it.  And I moved on.  That's what I think you should do.