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Avatar universal

Trouble with in laws

My boyfriends parents hate my guts. They blame me for all the choices my boyfriend made. I never pushed him to do anything he didnt want to do. He only made certain choices thinking it was going to make me upset if he did or did not make those choices, instead of talking it out with me. His parents already made up thier minds about me. They do not like me at all. Im a christain i believe in God that i can fix this i just need some help and advice how i can get along with them again. Iam scared to try and email or text them i feel like they will say something very hurtful. How should i approach them.
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Avatar universal
Need more info. What did he do that is a problem, and how often etc? How old are you two and are you living at home, working etc? How long have you known each other?
Avatar universal
Weve been together for 3 years. We're both 19 and the bad choices he made that he thought was going to upset me if he did them with out me was going to college. I had no idea he felt that i was going to get upset if he went with out me. He never really talked it out wth me. His only excuse is that im his fist girlfriend, so he dosent know what to do in a relationship. His parents already
think i boss him around alot. I dont he just keeps doing things for me thinking ill get upset about it if he didnt. I try to talk it out with him alot he just keeps saying how his parents hate me so much. Those moments feel like hes going to break up with me so i would ask him if thats what he wants he just says no but keeps making me feel bad about everything that happens.
1 Comments
No one from here can determine if your side of the story is correct, so I am just assuming you have presented a fair picture when I come up with my suggestions below.

Maybe he can't make up his mind what to do and keeps involving his parents in his decisions.
Also he didn't communicate about an important college decision with you, his girlfriend, because his solution to problems is to arbitrarily make decisions that he blames on you afterwards. He might have other reasons for not going that he doesn't want to face or wants to keep secret. This may be an ominous sign of things to come in future, so keep your eyes open.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Argh.  Mom to mom, that's a hard one.  A child who turns down college for a high school romance is truly impactful.  As an adult, I know the ramifications of that choice.  They are huge.  He basically changed the trajectory of his life and as a parent, I'd be so upset.

However, it's not your fault.  You and he are young and probably don't think things in terms of the big picture.  I know this because . . . sigh, when I was 18, I almost didn't go to college because of a boyfriend.  My parents had a fit and I went away to school.  How do I feel about it now?  Thank goodness is all I can say.  But when you are in the moment . . . it's hard to think this way.

I encourage your boyfriend AND you to not think of each other and think of how you can be independent adults, successful financially and otherwise.  Maybe you are going to college if not away, closer to home?  Maybe you are in a trade school program?  If not, do this.  For your future.  Guys may come and go, but the education and job training you give yourself will create freedom for you to have choices in life.  And encourage your boyfriend to do this as well.  If you two stay together . . .  you want him to be a successful, ambitious man?  That's how you have a home you pay for, cars, raise kids, etc.  Just being honest.  I want my husband to be as educated and as successful in his career that he can be.  And if you love him, risking that you might lose touch if he goes away is what you do.  

So, he's only 19.  It's not too late.  Get a plan for yourself and encourage him to make a plan as well.  If he won't, ugh.  Encourage him to make a plan for being local to get educated or trained in a good paying trade so that he can live as an independent adult.  

That's what his parents want.  And what you should want too.

And anxiousnomore, a parent is, of course, involved in the decisions of a 19 year old just out of high school when it impacts things like keeping him out of living with his family in their basement for eternity.  :>)  That's parenting.  When I pay no bills for my kids . . .  I won't be a part of any decisions they make.  

To the poster, I'd maybe take a little break so he can get himself together. He really needs to get a plan for his life that is not just based on his girlfriend. Remember, he's in the stage of creating a future for his future wife.  If he is too caught up in relationship stuff to make good decisions, there will not be a very bright future.  So, his parents probably are blaming you a bit too much but are frustrated at their son's behavior and choices and VERY worried for his future.  good luck
1 Comments
mom to mom doesn't apply.  FROM a mom.  That's better wording.
13167 tn?1327194124
SURELY the fact that he wasn't going to go to college came up in conversation with the two of you?  It sounds like that wasn't the only enormous sacrifice he made for you - you allude to he keeps doing things thinking you'll be upset if he doesn't.  I'd be very disappointed if I were his parents,  too,  and angry at him that he's throwing opportunities away.  
3 Comments
She said in both posts that he didn't talk it out with her so he might be playing the blame game after his parents got involved.
Clearly she is impactful to his life.  They've not only gotten this huge disappointing blow that he doesn't want to go to college (and he doesn't even have to say her name, the way he handles the relationship that they observe can be all they need to know a huge factor as to why he's throwing away his opportunities.)  Maybe there are other reasons, maybe he never told them anything, he's just not going to college and really wrapped up in a relationship with someone at home.  I think it is ill founded, but natural that they'd then be upset with the girlfriend.  Again, that's not really right because HE is making the bad choices but the distraction from doing what they'd hoped for him is enough to drive any parent over the edge.

My parents threw a big enough fit that I went ahead and left for college.  And oh my oh my, that was the right choice.

I don't blame the poster, by the way.  I understand where you are coming from and are at in life.  It's again, at that age and in that circumstance, hard to see the big picture.  

But as I'm now a mother, I totally get how his parents are devastated and feel the romance has had a negative impact on their son's future at this point.  
Clearly she is impactful to his life.  They've not only gotten this huge disappointing blow that he doesn't want to go to college (and he doesn't even have to say her name, the way he handles the relationship that they observe can be all they need to know a huge factor as to why he's throwing away his opportunities.)  Maybe there are other reasons, maybe he never told them anything, he's just not going to college and really wrapped up in a relationship with someone at home.  I think it is ill founded, but natural that they'd then be upset with the girlfriend.  Again, that's not really right because HE is making the bad choices but the distraction from doing what they'd hoped for him is enough to drive any parent over the edge.

My parents threw a big enough fit that I went ahead and left for college.  And oh my oh my, that was the right choice.

I don't blame the poster, by the way.  I understand where you are coming from and are at in life.  It's again, at that age and in that circumstance, hard to see the big picture.  

But as I'm now a mother, I totally get how his parents are devastated and feel the romance has had a negative impact on their son's future at this point.  
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Again, to the poster, I would really encourage you to encourage HIM to go ahead and pursue some type of secondary education, to get a career plan together, and to go for it.  If you stay together, it's your future too.  even if you never told him not to, maybe go the other way and ask him to.  good luck
1 Comments
"Clearly she is impactful to his life. " Not necessarily as I mentioned he may be just looking for someone to blame. since he never even talked to her, just dumped it on her. I wouldn't say she is impactful in his life in that instance.

Maritza_25 He sounds immature to be pushing messages from his parents your way. No one here can do a thorough analysis of your situation, so these are just ideas that you have to think about.
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