relationship help please

[fancycat7]

I'm 18 going on 19 soon, and I have been dating this incredible boy for almost 2 years (1 year and 11 months) and I am crazy about him. We've never broken up but in our time together we have had about two really rough patches and he did go away for college for a year before deciding to come back to go to college with me (he also wanted to be closer to his family and friends, and he would be getting the same education). In those rough patches, it was because I was being controlling and he had doubts about our relationship -- and I fought really hard for our relationship, promising I was not going to be that controlling jerk I was being (it truly was unfair and I was just being stupid because I loved him then as I do now and I didn't mean to be the way I did). Anyways, I made sure he knew how much I loved him and I told him he was just having doubts and that was normal -- I never had them myself though, but my parents have. Well, it worked. I managed to completely throw out that ridiculous stupid personality (only the controlling part, the other parts of me like my humor and everything stayed) and I became more open. He never wanted me to change who I was, he told me, but I wanted to be a better girlfriend for him because I love him and everything -- it had to be done. Anyways, for the past few months all of those terrible feelings have gone away and we have been so happy. Sure, we have a few little fights here and there but nothing like we used to have that was insistent and terrible. We've been on winter break for the past month and it was bliss, I was more happy than I ever been and I basically fell in love with him all over again which I think he has as well. He's really matured into this amazing boyfriend and man. Anyways, last week we went to a show and hung out with his older cousin afterwards who really freaked me out. He said that my boyfriend had been wrong to come back because he didn't give going-away for college a chance, and he talked about how his girlfriend was so controlling and then only started to be cool by barely talking to him for days so that he had to call her. That sent me into a panic! I thought I had to be the kind of girlfriend who was controlling but then stopped talking for days, not calling. I tried it but it drove me insane. I love him and I don't want to go days without talking. But all the things his cousin was saying really upset me and I kept harping on it, telling my mom everything and trying not to show him that I was freaking out, which I have done successfully. It was as though I thought he was thinking these terrible things about me based on his cousin. Then about two nights ago, I went from being insecure about his thoughts to insecure about my thoughts. I thought am I really happy? I was just so tired of being insecure when I had no reason to be. He has shown me in these past few days (he has no idea what I'm feeling) how much he loves me. He says the most perfect things, his laugh and smile makes me smile, and he just shows how much he wants me around. He makes me feel so loved. But now I'm going through this little crisis of thinking maybe we shouldn't be together -- just because I got so bothered and freaked out from before and now we're so secure in our relationship that I no longer am insecure. I guess that whole going from insecure to secure thing and then no longer having to worry about things made me think that something was wrong on my part. I know I'm being insane because I do not want to break up with him or go on a break. I questioned if I wanted to go on a break and at first I thought that may not be so bad but when I thought it could really end I hated it -- I don't want him with anyone else, I want him always and I see him in my future. In fact, when I think well I won't ask for a break but I'll take a few days where I won't call him but if he calls me I'll talk, I hated that too because I don't want to go days without talking to him. That showed me that I don't want a break, but with my constant freaking out I always start the cycle over again and question myself. But anyways, at this moment I'm just going through this OCD phase.. where I calm myself down about this and realize it's all bad thoughts and I think I may want something but I don't really want it and then it comes back and I freak myself out again. I mean, there is no basis for a break. We're so great. I'm just really freaked out. What should I do? He loves me so much and I love him so much too and our moments are great, although in the past two days at times I damper them for myself by thinking this. He makes me so happy and thinking of him makes me so happy -- I can't even not picture him in my life. In fact, just hours ago he called me and said he wanted me to come with his family for his mom's birthday when I didn't know I was invited and it was so nice. I'm just having this sort of block for common sense and control. What do you think?

[Judy246]

oh, one more thoght, you need to sit down with your b/f and discuss your feelings and ask him the questions of concern. If you want peace of mind, talk to the man and tell him what you are feeling and he is the best person to answer your questions and calm your anxieties on the relationship. Good luck...Judy

[Judy246]

I think you should take some time out for yourself and decide what it is you want out of a relationship. Reading your post, you were all over the place with yes, no, maybe so and you worry too much on what other people have to say and dwell on it and poor guy has no idea what's going on and why you are behaving the way you are behaving, so don't be your own worst enemy and sabotage your relationship with your uncertainties. You should take some "time-out" and re-evaluate the relationship and what is best for both. Judy

[fancycat7]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I know thta my paranoia is going to cause our relationship to be ruined. That's why I haven't told him anything, because we're in such a good place right now. Because of my paranoia I have been focusing more on him than me but it just started and I'm not very good with getting bad thoughts out, especially when it's based on something so important to me. the thing is it's like a cycle, I get freaked out for a while, and then I analyze it (which is a terrible habit I can not shake), and then I realize what I've known all along, I feel better and then it starts again. And I know I really have to stop the cycle but it's a little hard for me to do that... that's what I'm trying to work on now. I definitely want to do exactly what you said... take control of my thoughts and relax, because he really is a great guy and he really does make me happy. My negative thoughts and sudden doubt just totally blew up in my face and is ruining my being happy and confidence in my feelings.

[mami1323]

You need to focus on something other than your boyfriend.  Even in your post you are all over the place.  Put your attention and energy into school, hang out with some of your friends, do things that are fun for you.  If this relationship doesn't work out you will be devastated because you are all about him and not you.  And from what it sounds from what you've written, he's a great guy.  Your paranoia and back and forth thoughts are what's going to ruin this relationship.  Gain some kind of control over your thoughts and relax.  If you're struggling to do this than maybe seeking some therapy from a cognitive behavioral therapist would help.

[knucklehead247]

WOW......ummm you just need to enjoy being you first of all and be thankful that you have a guy who adores you, but heres the catch, be careful not to put your identity in being his girl.   Be you, that's who he loves and dont worry so much about the future. Enjoy the now.