We weren't having sex, so we broke up.

[veggielover]

Hey guys, I've posted a few questions previously about this same problem, but I feel like it just gets worse and I wonder what I could do. Anyway, my now ex-boyfriend and I were together for almost 3 months before we recently broke up. We had been seeing each other for about 2 months before we officially started going out. For the past month, I felt that we had been distant towards each other and I couldn't figure out why. We talked about it, and he told me that he didn't think I was being initiative enough so he stopped trying over all. Its true, I didn't initiate much at all, but not because I didn't want to. I always wanted to, but even being together for the amount of time we had, I guess I'm still a little shy when it comes to making moves. It sort of made me feel bad about myself when he told me this; that I wasn't being initiative enough, because I want more than anything to make my boyfriend happy and the fact that I had completely turned him off made me feel really bad. I didn't realize that my not being initiative or making moves was causing this problem. At this point, I'm pretty disheartened and fragile about the whole situation. I think he's totally uninterested now and I'm not sure what I can do to get him back anymore. Ideally, I would like for us to start over fresh and try things again. We both agreed to just be friends for the time being, because when we hang out it's pretty much like being with a friend. We get along really well and we enjoy each other's company, but the intimacy was lacking. I want to feel good about myself and not feel self-conscious about making moves. I guess I'm just writing this so I can see the reality of our breakup, I don't know. It's not even really a question, but maybe someone has had previous experience like mine. Oh, and I'm 19 and my (ex)boyfriend is 25. Pretty big age gap, but it hasn't really seemed to be the cause of any problems. Thanks for reading.

[teko]

You make better friends than lovers. Leave it that way. You are who you are and when you meet the right person, there will be nothing wrong with you in his eyes. Obviously this guy was more interested in sex than in you. His loss, your gain. Move on. Life is too short to waste it on all the drama that need not be.

[peggy64]

And what is 3 months? Of course, I hold to the belief that intimacy should be kept for marriage. People today jump in the sack with each other before they even know each others middle names.

There is a reason God said sex is for marriage.  These people today, just bed hop like I change shoes. The act of sexual intimacy was intended to be more than a physical act. It is a union that draws a man and wife into a relationship that is deeper and more meaningful than any other.

My advice to you is that if you don't want to wait until marriage, then at least don't let this guy have given you a complex that you think you have to jump in the bed when you are on your next first date. You want someone that cares more about YOU as a person, than just uses you to satisfy some urge.

[Jennifer1987]

And hey, if you rever feel you need a talk just drop me a PM...

Good Luck

[veggielover]

I really, truly appreciate the advice that you guys have given me. It has helped me realize that I really do need to focus on myself and my needs at this time in my life. As much as I want to find a good guy to be with, I need to focus on my friends which I really have neglected in the past. I'm realizing who my true friends are right now and how much I appreciate that they are a part of my life. This is a really difficult thing for me to do because in the past I have become dependent on boyfriends; becoming too comfortable with them and only wanting to be with them. Hence, neglecting my friends. I really want to try and focus on my schooling, my friends, and my health right now. It is so difficult when a boy comes around to focus on these things, but I'm about to try my hardest not to let him get in the way. I have to be strong. I'm still figuring out who I am and what makes me happy and this boy is only getting in the way of it. Really, thank you guys for the responses.

[specialmom]

Hi. I agree.  Jen has given good advice in a kind and caring way.  Sometimes if someone feels like a friend, then that is what they are really meant to be.   When intimacy is lacking during dating, it does not bode well for the future of a long term relationship.  So, I'd look for someone that you are completely compatible with in this way and someone who does not make you feel like you have to be anything but yourself.  Okay, time for my mother hen speech.  You are 19 and this is a really important time in your life.  Make sure you are doing things for yourself.  Attend school if possible and work towards career goals if you aren't already.  Hang out with friends.  Explore what things make you happy and do them.  This is a great time to make yourself your focus and guys secondary.  That's just my opinion but I like to see women gain what they need to be independent down the road if need be.  As Jen said, you do sound really bright and together and I'm sure you have a future of success and happiness ahead of you.  Good luck

[Jennifer1987]

Im gald you see it that way too. if only i had the cop on to leave my ex at the begining when things were bad I would be so much more happier now.. Its horrible losing what you had because of a man.. they are not worth the upset and tears...  if you can take away one thing from this, its that no man is worth you losing respect or love for yourself!!! Some people learn the hard way (me) some like you look for advise when they feel something is wrong.. i wish i did what you have done.... Well done!!! You really don't need him.... You seem really bright, and all I can say is to put you first!! your the important one in all this.... i hope you stay strong and move on!!!!

Jen xx

[veggielover]

Thank you so much. I think you are right, our relationship has been way too rocky from the beginning. Something isn't right here and I can't go out of my way anymore to try to make things right between us. I need to boost my self esteem and I think being with him is not helping.

[Jennifer1987]

In my opinion I say just leave it the way it is. For a fella to dump a woman because she is not making any move to be intimate is really disturbing!  If he truely cared he wouldn't be bothered by it!! If i knew what I know now when I was with my ex Id be a lot happier.. Don't let him ruin your self esteem and self worth! No man is worth that!!  And I have learned the hard way, don't put yourself thriugh it!!! Its something you'll regret for a long time!! If ye are having troubles this early in the relationship, well thats not a good sign.

Move on, find a fella who deserves your love and attention! A relationship is not all about sex!!