Do not know how to get over an ex?

[senoritabonit]

Hi guys, I am new to this forum so please be kind.  I am currently 28 years old and 8 years ago I met an amazing person who change my life.  I met him through a friend of mine and almost immediately we fell in love and became best friends.  I trusted him mostly, but I am extremely intuitive and although I had thoughts that he may have been "unfaithful", I never doubted his loyalty or how wonderful a person he was.  A couple of years into the relationship I discovered he had been chatting on the internet with other girls.  I was really upset about it.  I discovered moreover that he had been chatting with underage girls and watching loads of pornography.  I was upset most of all because sexually he did not always have an appetite.  When we made love, we made love.  He was not dirty or vulgar with me which I appreciated but sometimes wanted more.

When I was 24 I was finishing up my studies and had the opportunity to travel to Scotland (we are from Canada) for the year.  Since  I was still upset over what had happened a year earlier, I decided to take a break from everything for a bit.  We were still in a relationship and such, but it was my dream to live in Europe so I ceased this opportunity.

He came to visit a few times and I went home for holidays.  We got through the year and it was now June, a month left.  I was very social during my stay there and one night out I came across a Spanish man 5 years my senior.  He had developed an interest in me and I was highly attracted to him.  I got to know him over the next few weeks and found myself interested in him and was inevitably unfaithful to my boyfriend.
I told my bf and told him that perhaps we needed a break.  The next year I moved to London and worked there for a bit. I found myself extremely homesick so I returned home in 2011 and back with the boyfriend who missed me more than ever and suffered greatly during our time apart.

I felt really different during this time.  I just had no interest or respect for my bf and really just wanted to go off and be with other men.  I had a-lot of things going on (divorced parents etc), which he was there for me with and I just could not adjust well to being home.  I loved my bf and knew one day I would snap out of this sort of slump I was in, but i could not love him the way he deserved and for that I ended things properly.  

Months later he moved on and found another and I guess that was my wakeup call because since then I have not been able to forget him.  I feel ridiculous for every single past action and am constantly living in guilt, crying over everything I see that reminds me of him.  He was so kind and loving and I honestly feel like I could never find someone like him again.  We had a connection in every aspect of our lives.

I am going now on 2 years of still being in love with him while he has been with this other person.  I tried moving on with another - currently I am in a relationship with this new person- we met in March 2012 and at first I thought I would forget my ex but as time passes I am constantly comparing the two of them.

Where the first one was sweet kind considerate and romantic, the current one is macho, a bit chauvenist,a flirt, etc.

In the beginning of the relationship with #2 he was extremely immature, he even went on vacation and "kissed" another.  So the spark died very fast but he really wanted to keep me around so did everything he could to do so.  He continues saying that he wants to marry me and now we are going to church together and everything but I cannot lose my ex from my mind or heart.

I dont know how to move on.  Current guy knows that deep down I miss the other, but tries to help me forget.
I want to forget but I do not know how. Sometimes when I look at the current guy I see a vain person even though he would deny that- but I see in him that it is true.  I fear often he will cheat again and that he will do this when I am trapped (married with children) I feel hopeless and alone.
When I argue with current one, I remember that I barely argued with my ex.  We just understood each other and he never wanted to hurt me.  This current guy is barely sorry for any action he takes on.

I want to move forward and give current guy a fair chance but I constantly think about the ex.
How can I just forget him and have hope in love again?

[ROSYouralright]

It doesn't sound like you need to be with anyone right now! You only wanted your ex back once he had moved on. IMO you should be single until you figure things out. It isn't fair to your current guy or yourself.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree with ROSY.

He seems to matter more to You now that He is not available
  

[Chima7]

I really hope you don't end up marrying this current guy because it's very clear from your post that you don't particularly like the guy and it's because he is rather a jerk based on how he treats you and what he says. Whatever you do, don't marry this guy! You will be completely miserable!

Add as for the ex, that ship has sailed and you need to give up on him. I think you're most likely doing what so many other girls in your place have done, that is you've been idealizing your relationship with your ex in your head and only focusing on the positive things and totally forgetting about any negatives. And also forgetting the reason why you guys broke up in the first place. You wouldn't have cheated on him if he was truly as fabulous as you keep saying he is. He was really nothing special. When you're with the right guy, you would not be able to cheat because there would be nothing that any other guy could say or do that would sway you away from him. Since it was so easy for you to cheat with the other guy in Europe, then this ex of yours was really nothing special in the first place and you've just been building him up in your head to be something that he never was and never will be all this time.

The only right thing to do in your case is to stay single for a long enough time to where you won't just pick some guy who shows a little interest. You need to get to the point where you are clear in your mind what you will and will not put up with in a relationship and not accept anything less. It's patently obvious that you'd take any guy who shows you attention based on this current guy you're with and you need to break yourself of that. You will not be happy with this guy or with your ex. You need to get right within yourself before you can be in a solid relationship with a guy who deserves you. You have a lot of work ahead of you but it's your choice what kind of future you want.

[ROSYouralright]

Romanticizing her ex! Yes! That's what I was thinking of but couldn't find the words.

[Chima7]

Rosy, you were right on the money too when you said that she was pretty ambivalent about the guy all along until he found someone else. Now all the sudden he's the greatest thing since sliced bread just because someone else finds him interesting. I'm not really buying it. I think it's more of a case of "Don't know what you've got til it's gone" syndrome. Nothing to do for that except move on.

[ROSYouralright]

Absolutely right!!! No doubt about it.. Live, learn, & don't repeat same mistakes:)

[evewisewoman]

One of the women who posted in response to your comments called
Chima7 said you're romanticizing your relationship with your ex
boyfriend. I definitely agree. I just want to remind you what you said
in your comments. You said something like a couple of years into the
relationship, you discovered your boyfriend had been chatting on the
internet with underage girls and watching loads of pornography.
Okay these things are not loveable qualities. Men like this aren't
potential life partners. Then you talked about having intimate relations
with the Spanish man who was 5 years older than you. If you loved
your boyfriend and respected him the way you said you did, there is
no way you would have slept with the Spanish man or any other
man for that matter. The man , your former boyfriend, who you claim
is so amazing and who you can't get out of your head is for lack of
a better word " creepy". I'm trying to be kind, but he really is not
worth even thinking about. As for the current guy you're with that
you say you want to give a chance, I wouldn't based on what you've
written about him.
You're young. You're only 28 years old. If I were you based on what
you've said about the current man you're seeing, I would think
seriously about what qualities in him you find attractive apart from
the fact he may be good in bed. That's not the criteria for choosing
a potential life time partner. I am going to recommend a book to
you. It's written by a woman called Barbara De Angelis. The book
is called " Are You The One for Me ? " ( Knowing Who's Right and
Avoiding Who's Wrong).   I'll share with you something written on
the jacket of this book.  " In Are You the One for Me?, Dr. Barbara
De Angelais, one of America's foremost love experts, has written
the ultimate guide to understanding compatibility and getting the
most out of your relationship." This book was copyrighted in 1992
by Barbara De Angelis. It's a fantastic book. I've lent this book to
all of my girlfriends at one time or another.
Here are some examples of the type of chapters you'll find in this
book.  Avoiding Who's Wrong
The Ten Types of Relationships That Won't Work
Fatal Flaws
Compatibility Time Bombs
Knowing Who's Right
Six Qualities to Look for in a Mate
Compatibility : Finding Out Who's Right for You
Commitment: Making and Keeping One When It's Right,
and Letting Go When It's Wrong

This book has been of tremendous help to me and many of my
friends. Before you start looking for a man to date, make sure you
know what qualities you're looking for in a mate or a potential life
partner. You will save yourself a lot of heart ache and everything
else that comes with settling down with the wrong mate for you
not to mention the financial problems that come with that and a
host of other problems. So, do your homework so to speak.
Get educated. Knowledge is power. Don't just settle for any man
who gives you attention etc. You deserve a loving, respectful,
committed relationship with a good, kind man with morals who
will not cheat on you and love you for who you are. I divorced
from my first husband many years ago now because we were
not compatible although it took me a few years to realize that
and stop making excuses for him. He remarried and I remarried
and now I know it was the best for both of us to divorce and begin
our lives again. The best of luck to you.  Eve

[evewisewoman]

Dr. Barbara De Angelis's book " Are You The One For Me? " is
available on Amazon.ca and Amazon.com just in case you're interested
in purchasing this book. I tell you. It will change the way you think
about relationships, dating etc.  I wish you well. Eve

[Londres70]

Agree with Chima.  

I think you have too much "internal turmoil" going on to offer anyone any chance of a decent relationship with you at this time.  You are in no position to offer anyone a relationship as you have this "other unresolved stuff" on your mind.

At this time I would recommend you work on "you," and don't hop from man to man as a solution to this dilemma.

[Londres70]

Ideally you should probably consult a therapist about this.