Aa
What am I doing wrong?
I am a very attractive 30 yr old. I have an athletic build with nice large breast to boot. I tend to turn heads wherever I go but the only one that isn't turning is my husbands head. We have cut back in our sex life from 2 times everyday to maybe 5 times a week. This is just not normal for us. We are both very sexual people. I make sure I have the house clean, I cook 3 meals a day, keep myself in shape, and looking good, and shower him with affection to try to keep the sparks flying. We Have both cheated on each other in the last 3 years. Me once and him once. I love him and he loves me but we are not IN love with each other. I want to know what to do to make the true love return in our marriage. Is that possible?
I know you may never guess this reading my crazy life, but I actually have been counselled before. It was just me that went. Shocker. Also, I tend to work things out by observation. Thank you for your well wishes. And Yes it feels great to work out for ME. I am thinking about taking some ballet classes for fun and strengthening my spirit that way. Peace and Love to you.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Your last post was so eloquently written. I am very sorry for the conclusions you have come to and wish I could change that. Do some eventually understand that they should appreciate what they have? Absolutely and I'd not give up on that hope.
I would think of your life too though. Enjoy your hobbies for YOU. Enjoy life for YOU. So when you work out------------ do it because it feels good, keeps you healthy and attractive to the world, do it for you. Not to make him love you. That is hard to change those mindsets and I expect that you will always feel that way a bit. But you need to also give yourself the TLC you deserve. And I'm sure this hurts your heart.
Yes, many couples have far worse things. It is noble to keep a family together after kids have entered into the mix. I'd probably do the exact same thing. I wish he knew how good he has it.
What about therapy for yourself? Would it be good to talk to a professional about these feelings and explore it more in depth? It could help.
Wishing you peace in your heart.
I would think of your life too though. Enjoy your hobbies for YOU. Enjoy life for YOU. So when you work out------------ do it because it feels good, keeps you healthy and attractive to the world, do it for you. Not to make him love you. That is hard to change those mindsets and I expect that you will always feel that way a bit. But you need to also give yourself the TLC you deserve. And I'm sure this hurts your heart.
Yes, many couples have far worse things. It is noble to keep a family together after kids have entered into the mix. I'd probably do the exact same thing. I wish he knew how good he has it.
What about therapy for yourself? Would it be good to talk to a professional about these feelings and explore it more in depth? It could help.
Wishing you peace in your heart.
One thing, I have to say, I have made a personal effort on communicating my feelings. I recognize how to not sound condescending or conditional. This is not easy since I am melting over in frustration. I do my very best and keep my attitude right. We have open ended conversations. I cannot bring myself to criticize him in any way. Do I feel lonely? Yes. Is it my fault? I certainly feel like it is not but I would be lying if I didn't own up to my own actions in the past. (cheating on him for revenge) My husband was so shocked that I had cheated on him. He told me he thought he would be the one who would do it! I surprised even my closest friends and family. They, as outsiders, understood why I did it. They were still very shocked. I think they all thought I was this Suzie Homemaker wife who followed my husband around like a silly lost puppy without a mind of her won. Alas, I am a very very different women today. Sorry for what I did but strangely not sorry for proving to my husband I am an independent thinker and I need attention too. I simply am not superwomen. I strive for perfection partly because he is very critical. He thinks it is constructive. Really it is destructive. He and I have discussed this together but we get nowhere. He simply will not change while I have changed a million times. i guess that is the women in me. A pleaser.
You know the point in a conversation where you ramble and realize there just may not be an answer or the answer was the one you were afraid of... He will never love me as much as I love him....It is not in him to do. I think speaking openly to complete strangers has brought me to this point. Thank you for all your help and all I can do is keep going one day at a time. Perhaps it is selfish to expect anything from him at this point in our fragile relationship. I am just glad our family is still under the same roof and our three beautiful children can see and love their daddy each time he comes home from work. And if I look around at others and see their complicated lives, I will hold my peace and think it could be worse.... I don't have it so bad. I do miss with all my heart to be really truly loved and cherished.
You know the point in a conversation where you ramble and realize there just may not be an answer or the answer was the one you were afraid of... He will never love me as much as I love him....It is not in him to do. I think speaking openly to complete strangers has brought me to this point. Thank you for all your help and all I can do is keep going one day at a time. Perhaps it is selfish to expect anything from him at this point in our fragile relationship. I am just glad our family is still under the same roof and our three beautiful children can see and love their daddy each time he comes home from work. And if I look around at others and see their complicated lives, I will hold my peace and think it could be worse.... I don't have it so bad. I do miss with all my heart to be really truly loved and cherished.
Ok, so he isn't giving you all the attention you want...
This is a hard one. I mean you have to understand, ( you came to a good place for an answer, because a guy can really helpout when asking about another guy) but besides having sex.... i don't think the love is there anymore... and if it is, it only sits around the fact that your there..... you do things he doesn't have to, and you fck him... Plus your attractive so it's like a repetitive thing... wake up our there and you cook.. work come home and your there with food.. and he gets to get his nut off either with you or masterbating
This is a hard one. I mean you have to understand, ( you came to a good place for an answer, because a guy can really helpout when asking about another guy) but besides having sex.... i don't think the love is there anymore... and if it is, it only sits around the fact that your there..... you do things he doesn't have to, and you fck him... Plus your attractive so it's like a repetitive thing... wake up our there and you cook.. work come home and your there with food.. and he gets to get his nut off either with you or masterbating
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh rats! That was what I was worried about. Dear, this is not you and I hate that his infatuation with women makes you feel bad or less than wonderful. He obviously does love you as he has stayed with you even after infidelity and you have a family together . . . but that feeling of being his One and Only that he desires is something you want.
This is a tricky one. One can say that there is no harm in looking . . . but it probably makes you feel bad because in the past he has 'acted' on it. And really, what woman wants to hear that someone else is hot. There is always going to be someone younger, cuter, sexier . . . even I, hot babe that I am (joking) knows this. It's hard because temptation is all around us.
Now I know that you say you guys communicate really well. So, can you admit your feelings on this subject to him? Sometimes it is hard to make ourselves vulnerable in that way. But a caring mate will listen and maybe think about the way they act. Then they can look but less obviously to be respectful or instead of saying "she's hot" he can say "that shirt would look great on you" when you catch him looking. (my husband does that one and I laugh all the time.)
Does he know how his wandering eye makes you feel? I wish I could snap my fingers and make him only see you. But that probably isn't realistic. This brings me back to the inner and emotional connection. That is what you must keep super strong because the physical connection is something he could have with a lot of people. Ya know what I mean? You two have married and made a family. That is special------- no one can replace that no matter how good she looks!
Is this a topic out in the open in terms of your feelings?
This is a tricky one. One can say that there is no harm in looking . . . but it probably makes you feel bad because in the past he has 'acted' on it. And really, what woman wants to hear that someone else is hot. There is always going to be someone younger, cuter, sexier . . . even I, hot babe that I am (joking) knows this. It's hard because temptation is all around us.
Now I know that you say you guys communicate really well. So, can you admit your feelings on this subject to him? Sometimes it is hard to make ourselves vulnerable in that way. But a caring mate will listen and maybe think about the way they act. Then they can look but less obviously to be respectful or instead of saying "she's hot" he can say "that shirt would look great on you" when you catch him looking. (my husband does that one and I laugh all the time.)
Does he know how his wandering eye makes you feel? I wish I could snap my fingers and make him only see you. But that probably isn't realistic. This brings me back to the inner and emotional connection. That is what you must keep super strong because the physical connection is something he could have with a lot of people. Ya know what I mean? You two have married and made a family. That is special------- no one can replace that no matter how good she looks!
Is this a topic out in the open in terms of your feelings?
I want to be the Apple of his eye again and be the one women in his life. No more going for my hot girlfriends or telling me "she is so hot" as we walk down the mall with our kiddos! I ask him for sex and that is without any pressure. We even plan out times best for each other. We try to be considerate of each other. After all we are best friends. We had it all once. Hey I understand men will look but he has no boundaries! Maybe he has lost respect for me?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, to your question about what you are doing wrong. I'm having a hard time figuring out what exactly you are longing for that you are not getting. More sex? Or is that feeling that he is just so infatuated with you he can hardly stand it? If it is more sex, does he turn you down when you ask? If not, then ask more often I guess.
But I think your question as well as the situation is more complicated than that. You say that you communicate really well and are best friends. That is great. If you want sex more, ask for it.
If you are insulted for having to ask and feel like you aren't as exciting to your husband as you once were (I don't know-------- I'm just trying to figure out what it is that is at the heart of your post)------- well, you've been together a long time. You're married to a man that openly admits that he likes to eye up the other females and wants 'em perfect (I guess that means physically). That isn't anything to do with you but is more his problem. It becomes your problem because you are his wife . . . and I would agree, I wouldn't like that at all.
So, I'm just out here guessing because I don't know what it is exactly that you are looking for. But I'm sure you are gorgeous and deserve to be treated that way. We all should be appreciated by our mates and have our sexual needs met . . . and I hope that happens for you.
But I think your question as well as the situation is more complicated than that. You say that you communicate really well and are best friends. That is great. If you want sex more, ask for it.
If you are insulted for having to ask and feel like you aren't as exciting to your husband as you once were (I don't know-------- I'm just trying to figure out what it is that is at the heart of your post)------- well, you've been together a long time. You're married to a man that openly admits that he likes to eye up the other females and wants 'em perfect (I guess that means physically). That isn't anything to do with you but is more his problem. It becomes your problem because you are his wife . . . and I would agree, I wouldn't like that at all.
So, I'm just out here guessing because I don't know what it is exactly that you are looking for. But I'm sure you are gorgeous and deserve to be treated that way. We all should be appreciated by our mates and have our sexual needs met . . . and I hope that happens for you.
He wants the hour long while I will take the quickies! I do not pressure him and I stick by the rule of constant praise " honey you are so big , oooh that is so deep...etc..." I am a freak in the bed and a saint in the kitchen.
He and I are BFF's and we communicate just the same. We are not actively seeking counseling but have in the past. The "marriage counselor" sent us home. My hubby is very convincing and had all of the right answers. My husband says he just simply loves females. beautiful perfect females.
Let me just say he is more horny than me. I catch him masturbating like one extra time a day on top of the times we have sex!
Thank you kazakage. Being as we have been together for ten years.. I have told him and he knows I am up for anything. ANYTHING. Maybe we have just done it everywhere and too much! Oh god I hope not! I am not ready to slow down! So the whole dress sexy and look like an elk to a cheetah. I think I got that down. Matter of fact it doesn't matter how hot I look he still will check out the girls at the mall before me. (As those same girls check me out and wink, if you know what i mean.) I radiate sexuality and alllll I want is him. Why do other guys (and girls) give me that "I want you look" but he wont!? I am in hell! What am I doing wrong? Seriously... I hate to say it but sometimes I feel like I have created a monster in him. Always giving him hot sex no matter what time it is. Did I mention I give him Amazing head!
Someone once told me you make yourself look good to feel good. But it would be nice if he noticed. He never compliments me or says I look hot! I always tell him he is hot and I want to f@ck him all night and anywhere anytime. Doesn't work. He acts like it is not enough. Example: Yesterday, he gets off work, I always meet him at the door with a kiss and a smile. Dinner on the table and the family sets down yadda yadda. Well I tell him that I am sending him to his room to be "punished" with some hot sex and the kiddos get to watch a movie (or two). Can you believe he ignored me! He didn't even notice how sexy I smelled nor the way I got all dolled up for him. I mean I went to bed masturbating while he snored next to me! REALLY! WTF! Oh and he cannot use the excuse he is tired because he stays up almost every night as long as he wants. What am I doing wrong! I am aggressive and yet sweet. I do not pressure him. So help!
Someone once told me you make yourself look good to feel good. But it would be nice if he noticed. He never compliments me or says I look hot! I always tell him he is hot and I want to f@ck him all night and anywhere anytime. Doesn't work. He acts like it is not enough. Example: Yesterday, he gets off work, I always meet him at the door with a kiss and a smile. Dinner on the table and the family sets down yadda yadda. Well I tell him that I am sending him to his room to be "punished" with some hot sex and the kiddos get to watch a movie (or two). Can you believe he ignored me! He didn't even notice how sexy I smelled nor the way I got all dolled up for him. I mean I went to bed masturbating while he snored next to me! REALLY! WTF! Oh and he cannot use the excuse he is tired because he stays up almost every night as long as he wants. What am I doing wrong! I am aggressive and yet sweet. I do not pressure him. So help!
Mag, I'm not sure what all the "in love" thing is with the two of you, but just from the sexual perspective, 5 times a week is about as much as a man his age can do and keep up with other obligations.
There are men who want sex more than that, but they're fixated and that's all they do, is run around having sex like little rabbits. It zaps them and takes over their focus.
If your husband is working full time and maintaining good health that's about what he can do.
There are men who want sex more than that, but they're fixated and that's all they do, is run around having sex like little rabbits. It zaps them and takes over their focus.
If your husband is working full time and maintaining good health that's about what he can do.
Im so mad at reading this... 5 times a week....Well dang.. im 20 and im doing what? twice a week..Man, i need to rethink things over...lmao..
but all jokes a side.. your hot.. you look like you never really have a dull moment.. so i'd say..the key to re-kindling the lost flames is to have fun and explore while doing it... now im not saying go be a swinger.. im saying travel! Do activities!! trying pulling techniques from the 60-80's.. me and my wife just discovered how fun roller blading can be fun if you try.
Bring fun back and things will surely perk up.... And if you can try dressing like super hot!! i mean so hot that when the hubby see you.. your like a elk to a cheetah! the hunt is on!!
but all jokes a side.. your hot.. you look like you never really have a dull moment.. so i'd say..the key to re-kindling the lost flames is to have fun and explore while doing it... now im not saying go be a swinger.. im saying travel! Do activities!! trying pulling techniques from the 60-80's.. me and my wife just discovered how fun roller blading can be fun if you try.
Bring fun back and things will surely perk up.... And if you can try dressing like super hot!! i mean so hot that when the hubby see you.. your like a elk to a cheetah! the hunt is on!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. I feel so inadequate . . . 5 times a week after 10 years sounds pretty good to me! LOL But I guess that is relative to what you want and are used to, right?
I'm concerned when you say that you aren't "in love" anymore. I'm also concerned about the infidelity. Those two things make me wonder if seeking some professional guidance to reconnect wouldn't be beneficial. By that I mean marriage counseling.
Many couples get bogged down with the stuff that happens in life and their sex life kind of takes a back seat. I say that as a mom that sure does get tired. That happens and you just have to make more time for one another. But you don't seem to be talking about that. This seems more like their is a disconnect between the two of you. This probably makes you a little sad, I'm sure.
I'm less concerned about the physical intimacy as the emotional intimacy. I'm guessing if you were closer emotionally, you'd want to be more physical.
How is your communication and how close do you feel to him on an emotional level?
I'm concerned when you say that you aren't "in love" anymore. I'm also concerned about the infidelity. Those two things make me wonder if seeking some professional guidance to reconnect wouldn't be beneficial. By that I mean marriage counseling.
Many couples get bogged down with the stuff that happens in life and their sex life kind of takes a back seat. I say that as a mom that sure does get tired. That happens and you just have to make more time for one another. But you don't seem to be talking about that. This seems more like their is a disconnect between the two of you. This probably makes you a little sad, I'm sure.
I'm less concerned about the physical intimacy as the emotional intimacy. I'm guessing if you were closer emotionally, you'd want to be more physical.
How is your communication and how close do you feel to him on an emotional level?
Be romantic and do the whole flowers and chocolates thing.Watch a romantic movie together,go out to dinner and enjoy each others company.Kiss more and hold hands in public.Yes you are a very attractive woman and maybe he feels threatened by that.Have you ever told him he,s attractive and the love of your life.Love is like family,its so precious.The definition of true love is an elderly couple celebrating their 50th wedding aniversary and saying that they wouldn,t have changed one thing in their lives about each other and that they wouldn,t trade each other in for any other person on this earth.That,s true love.
Thanks for the feedback. Any idea how to Re-kindle the lost flame that is love. After 10 years I have forgotten a lot and so has he.
Re-kindle the lost flame that is love.Eternal love.Its so much more important than sex.Sex equals lust.The two can work hand in hand when you get the love part right.Communicate,that,s the key.Your so right when you say you love him and he loves you but your not in love and so many couples these days are not in love.There two different things.Work on the love part of your marriage and the lust will follow and be a whole lot more meaningful and better.All the best.Remember-Love is king.
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If he were able to have quickies, would he probably do that?