My partner has anger issues

[drumminwummin]

Hi, I'm in a same sex relationship with another woman and I love her dearly.  I am getting so close to leaving her though because the longest we can go without having a row is two weeks.  We have been together over two years and her mood can change in an instant from being very loving and a great laugh, to being very verbally abusive.  The reason I contacted you tonight is because we have just been over at our friends' and we had a lovely night.  We were getting ready for bed and I put one of her t-shirts on.  It was in my drawer and I must have worn it a hundred times.  Tonight, she said was I just going to wear all her clothes and should she just start wearing mine?  I said that she could wear anything of mine she liked and she said there was no way she would as she hates all my clothes.  I didn't know what to do to avert another argument (leave the t-shirt on or take it off) but I decided to take it off as she had obviously taken issue with it.  I folded it and put it back in the drawer.  She asked me what I was doing and I said I didn't want to fight so I was taking it off.  I was then called petty and many other names.  When I tried to remind her that I didn't want to fight, she yelled at me to stop going on and to f*** off and she got herself so worked up that she was screaming and frightening the dog.  This might seem like a really inane and stupid thing to contact you about but it is just one of countless little things that escalate almost immediately and end with her screaming in my face.  It could be because I put too many herbs in the dinner or because I don't want to go to bed when she does.  If I stay, she gets angrier and angrier and if I go out to let her calm down, she has a go at me for going out.  I literally cannot do the right thing and everything I seem to do is wrong.  I sat down and spoke with her about this just 3 days ago about how close I was to leaving and she said she loved me and didn't want us to split up but she didn't care if I stayed or left.  I find that a very mixed message and I am in two minds what to do.  I feel that by leaving, I am giving up on a relationship that has the potential to work out but I also feel that by putting up with this all the time, I'm undervaluing myself and I deserve better than to be living on a knife edge.  I hope you don't think I'm wastin your time by getting in touch with you about this but I really would value your feedback.  Many thanks

[redneckmom]

I also believe that you should move out.  She is taking you for granted and is not treating you in an acceptable manner.  If she does love and respect you, she may realize just how much after not having you there all of the time.  The two of you probably need a bit of a break and some counseling.  Would she be willing to go?  I hope everything works out well for you wether you stay together or go your seperate ways.  

[Earlyforties]

I lived with a man and felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time too. Its not a way to live. Address the problem to her and if she is not willing to get help I am sorry to say I think you should leave.
Life is too short to be treated that way and you deserve better. You sound like a wonderful thoughtful lady.
I wish you well.

[Agiesmom]

Great advice from Jaybay.

You deserve better.  Don't spend another two or ten years being mistreated because you feel like you've invested a lot of time and the relationship may have potential.  The potential is only there if she changes how she treats you.  She doesn't even seem like she thinks she needs to, never mind actually doing it and doing it consistently.

I would move out.  You can still see each other if you want, but I would insist on being treated nicely and the first time you aren't, you must truly be done and move on.  That's my opinion anyway.

[Jaybay]

You are with a very controlling and manipulative woman.  For whatever reason, she seems to love pulling your strings and watching you dance around her ever-changing demands.  You're right about one thing: you really can't do anything right where she's concerned.

You can't win with these kinds of people.  I know - my mother was like that!  As I passed puberty, I found myself taking on more and more of mom's less attractive qualities.  The weird thing was that the anger just came out of nowhere, and my outbursts were just about as bad as your partner's.  Once I realized I was turning into my mother, I tried to control the outbursts, but not always successfully.  It wasn't until I started taking an anti-depressant that it all just melted away like that part of me never existed.  Who knows?  Maybe she needs an anti-depressant too, but you'll likely not have much luck convincing her to try it.

Honestly, I would take her at her word when she said she didn't care if you stayed or left.  Having a rational conversation with her about her behavior didn't exactly work, did it?  It's up to you how much more abuse you want to suffer at her hands.  You can't fix her.  Only she can do that.