Why am I doing this? (Cheating)

[dee270]

Obviously, I have no one to talk to about this. Someone please help me understand wtf is wrong with me.
Ok, to start off I am married. I have been separated over 5 years. My divorce is almost final. He was a real dirtbag, druggie loser. After I left him, I got with a great guy who treated me like a princess. We moved out of state together. 1 1/2 yrs later he committed suicide right in front of me. I moved back to my hometown and took my husband back for the final time. Nothing had changed. We split for good. Then I met a guy, who I am with now. Young, good looking, and takes care of me. Sometimes I think I love him and sometimes I look at him and want to puke. Anyway, this guy who had been after me since he helped me through my ex's suicide began talking to me online again. He has been after me for years. Finally I agree to meet him and I make up a huge lie so we can spend the weekend together. He gets the most expensive Hotel room in town, takes me out to eat, buys me expensive champagne, all that. Seriously though, nothing was there. He's 15 yrs older than me and I'm not into that. Sooo...... about a month ago I'm on myspace and I find this guy I had slept with a few times yrs ago and OMG he looked good,  like if I were to draw a pic of the perfect man, it would be him. We have a million things in common and he is my age (29, I'm 30). So of course he wants to see me again. I go over to his house, not really knowing what to expect, I mean it's been like 10 yrs since I saw him. Let's just say, we made up for lost time. And have been doing so every chance I get. Now I have convinced myself I am absolutely in love with this guy, which is really stupid for several reasons. Let's see, he lives with his mom, he's a felon, no car, raging alcoholic, I'm sure he sees at least one other girl if not several more.... and even knowing this, the few hours a week we spend together elate me so much I wonder if it's worth giving up my relationship and everything else for.

[RockRose]

Dee,  you only get one shot at life,  and you're blowing it.  

Completely.  

I didn't even read all your words because in fact,  I only get one shot at life too and I'm not willing to spend 1/2 hour on someone who is throwing theirs away.  

[Confused-one]

I know you probably don't want to hear this but from what I can see you are not really in love with this man nor he with you. You are infatuated and what you are in love with is the idea. Have you tried truly giving your boyfriend a chance? Make plans and ask him to go on a date with you and tell yourself you will enjoy it, treat him with that same love and care that you are giving to this other man even if you have to pretend, take him home and make love to him with the same love, sweetness, whatever it is you are giving to this other man and don't let this other man enter your thought if you can help it. Just try to focus on you and your boyfriend and how great you can be together, no negative thoughts. Just try it, see how it works. Your boyfriend obviously cares for you and you owe it to him to at least try with him or let him go. Hope this helps

[dee_270]

Well, I'm back. I lost my password and had to create a new username. This affair is still continuing, although I see him less frequently now, due to his job (accorcing to him). My dream guy got another girl pregnant and still wanted to see me on the side until he moved in with her. I was like, wtf? I mean, my self worth is certainly higher than that. I need to be able to at least fool myself into thinking there is a chance of something more happening. A month later he wound up leaving her and we decided to see each other again. Anyway, about the guy, he stopped drinking and got a car, but still lives with mom. But he's still a womanizer, I'm almost sure. When I had to break it off with him because of the pregnancy situation I cried in bed for 3 weeks. I have so much love for this guy. We went out on a date 3 weeks ago Friday and I havent seen him since, although he keeps in touch via Myspace. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him so bad but the rational part of me tells me I would be completely miserable.. But who really knows? I don't want to leave the security of my boyfriend and the life I'm used to only to be dumped or worse in a month. Plus my child has grown more attached to him. But on the other hand, it just isn't there with my boyfriend. To this day, even a message from the other guy gives me butterflies in my stomach. When I'm on my way to see him I get so excited and nervous sometimes I get physically sick to my stomach. I am so confused.

[sparkeler]

You need to dump your current boyfriend and seek counseling for the tumultous times you have experienced in your life.  Until the guy your "inlove" with straightens up his act, keep it sexual, if you can, with no strings attached.  You do need therapy though like everyone else has suggested.  You are entitled to be in a relationship where you are loved and respected and you love and respect him.  You are good enough for that you know.  Learn and believe it.

[PlateletGal]

waitingwithhope --- well said ! And I also agree with jojo --- I think the poster needs counseling.

[marra]

hi , i think you need to be alone for a while to sort your head out , you obviously dont want your current bf else you would not have gone looking elsewhere howevere the new guy is not what you want either he is just a f uck buddy ! you need to get some support and get your emotions straight then you can look for someone who you really deserve that will be good for you and supprt your needs . you deserve so much better x x x