Aa
Why am I suddenly reliving the past hurt in my mind?
I have come to the conclusion that my life is not normal nor will it ever be and I guess I am okay with that. Just wish things would slow down a bit. About two weeks ago we rushed Kate to the ER with what they thought was a galbladder attack but it wasn't. She ended up back in the next day due to the severe pain. Once again they sent her home. By now I am livid with the hospital and her. I am beginning to think that she is so use to being in pain that every tinge she gets she freaks out. I left her home alone and went out only to come home to her doubled over in pain and not able to urinate. We called her doc ( who was on vaca) and he called in some meds for her. The very next day she passes a kidney stone! It was BIG! I can not believe these stupid hospitals. Well four days later I end up taking my mom to the Er ( not the same one) she is admitted with CHF, She has a big event to cater the next week so inbetween visiting her in the hospital, cleanning her house, work and taking care of my house I take over her work schedule. Well it is not CHF . She has A fib. her heart is beating 7x faster then it should and only pumping out 40% of the blood. She is now home but not well. I cater the party ( with my sisters help). Joe has been wonderful because I am extreemly cranky.
Today we are at Children's hospital. Kate has surgery on her knee. Her lower bone is shredding due to the bachet's disease. They had to scrape it down, clean it out and do some tendon repair. We were suppose to come home today but now her immune system is attacking once again. I am EXHAUSTED! I came to the RMDhouse to rest while Joe stayed with Kate till she fell asleep. He came here , we ate and then I went back to the hospital so he could rest. I had to come back because I left my phone charger and my phone was dying. I find Joe sitting in the kitchen just chatting with some woman. No biggie! But why does it make me so mad! He has not given me any reason to feel this way lately but I can not seem to forget the past so now innocent things like this **** me off! I know it is just me so I can't say anything but I really want to get over this. It will be three years in July of his affair and two years in August of when I found him talking with a client, they both swear it was just friends and that he was just confiding in her about our situation and getting advice from her. He has not spoken to her since but he tells me ( by mistake) a few weeks ago how she said she wishes her husband was like him and how she use to think about how it would be if they were together. That does not sound to innocent to me. I was really mad he even told me after two years b/c it brings all those emotions back up. I was doing so good and now I feel like I read so much more into things. He has not given me any reason not to trust him, Actually the exact opposite. Ugh! I hate feeling like this and I am afraid to say anything b/c Things have been going so well.
Today we are at Children's hospital. Kate has surgery on her knee. Her lower bone is shredding due to the bachet's disease. They had to scrape it down, clean it out and do some tendon repair. We were suppose to come home today but now her immune system is attacking once again. I am EXHAUSTED! I came to the RMDhouse to rest while Joe stayed with Kate till she fell asleep. He came here , we ate and then I went back to the hospital so he could rest. I had to come back because I left my phone charger and my phone was dying. I find Joe sitting in the kitchen just chatting with some woman. No biggie! But why does it make me so mad! He has not given me any reason to feel this way lately but I can not seem to forget the past so now innocent things like this **** me off! I know it is just me so I can't say anything but I really want to get over this. It will be three years in July of his affair and two years in August of when I found him talking with a client, they both swear it was just friends and that he was just confiding in her about our situation and getting advice from her. He has not spoken to her since but he tells me ( by mistake) a few weeks ago how she said she wishes her husband was like him and how she use to think about how it would be if they were together. That does not sound to innocent to me. I was really mad he even told me after two years b/c it brings all those emotions back up. I was doing so good and now I feel like I read so much more into things. He has not given me any reason not to trust him, Actually the exact opposite. Ugh! I hate feeling like this and I am afraid to say anything b/c Things have been going so well.
I told my dad I could not go to the funeral with him. For two reasons first - Kate needs me, second, I do not think I could hold it together, He was actually ok with it. I was shocked, I guess I can say no some times.
On an other note, Joe and I had a long discussion last night about where our relationship is heading. Lol on the phone! He came home from work in a mood as usual so I made his ( and kids ) meal. Told him it was his turn to play nurse, called a couple of my gym buddies and went out! The funny thing was I was miserable and they all could tell. We went to get a bite to eat ( they are all single) and some of the guys were just obnoxious, I guess I just have a different life style having a family and all, so I left. I drove to the river and just called my husband, It was a good conversation, I told him I am overwhelmed with family and I also feel like I have to be 100% for him and that puts more pressure on me. Since his affair I have tried to be more considerate of his needs but in turn he seems to have taken advantage of that. The more I give the more he wants. He has even made the comment our life would be better if we did not have kids. That hurts! I have gone out more with him, it is fun but there is a time and a place for that and I can not give him that 24/7. I told him he needed to make a decision, If he wanted the party life ( both situations the woman were partiers) then go off and enjoy. For God sake he is 44! I choose to be a mother a wife, a family person. Yes, I enjoy a night out now and then but I am not about it every weekend. He agreed that he has been self absorbed but that it was due to all the stress. I came home and we played a few games with the boys and went to bed, but then Kate woke up at 2am vomiting and in pain. He got all mad, Was yelling at her. Totally ticked me off, This is what I mean! For goodness sake she just had surgery and the pain meds are probably making her sick and she can not make it to the bathroom on time seeing she is on crutches! I slept down stairs with her, He left for work this am and I was to angry to even speak to him. As I type this he has called me to apologize. I said ok and smoothed things over but inside I am shutting him out, I really do not know where this is going! Funny how things take a turn, We made it through the infidelity and seemed to get even closer but that is the issue, if it were just us according to him things would be fine, I know he loves his kids but he is so self absorbed.
On an other note, Joe and I had a long discussion last night about where our relationship is heading. Lol on the phone! He came home from work in a mood as usual so I made his ( and kids ) meal. Told him it was his turn to play nurse, called a couple of my gym buddies and went out! The funny thing was I was miserable and they all could tell. We went to get a bite to eat ( they are all single) and some of the guys were just obnoxious, I guess I just have a different life style having a family and all, so I left. I drove to the river and just called my husband, It was a good conversation, I told him I am overwhelmed with family and I also feel like I have to be 100% for him and that puts more pressure on me. Since his affair I have tried to be more considerate of his needs but in turn he seems to have taken advantage of that. The more I give the more he wants. He has even made the comment our life would be better if we did not have kids. That hurts! I have gone out more with him, it is fun but there is a time and a place for that and I can not give him that 24/7. I told him he needed to make a decision, If he wanted the party life ( both situations the woman were partiers) then go off and enjoy. For God sake he is 44! I choose to be a mother a wife, a family person. Yes, I enjoy a night out now and then but I am not about it every weekend. He agreed that he has been self absorbed but that it was due to all the stress. I came home and we played a few games with the boys and went to bed, but then Kate woke up at 2am vomiting and in pain. He got all mad, Was yelling at her. Totally ticked me off, This is what I mean! For goodness sake she just had surgery and the pain meds are probably making her sick and she can not make it to the bathroom on time seeing she is on crutches! I slept down stairs with her, He left for work this am and I was to angry to even speak to him. As I type this he has called me to apologize. I said ok and smoothed things over but inside I am shutting him out, I really do not know where this is going! Funny how things take a turn, We made it through the infidelity and seemed to get even closer but that is the issue, if it were just us according to him things would be fine, I know he loves his kids but he is so self absorbed.
That was suppose to be my brother in law's sisters grandson. sorry for the confusion.
Thanks guys, I'm sure he will but things just went from bad to worse for our family. My brother in law's ( my sisters husband) grandson just died. We were all very close to him. He was 19months. His grandmother had custody of him. ( her son was the father but is a drug addict so is the babies biological mother) Annette ( sister in law) got custody of Luca when he was 3 months old. The maternal Grandparents took her to court so they could see him. They won and Saturday was there first visit.My sister and Brother in law were here when they got the call. Luca was found floating in the pond. The grandfather was suppose to be watching him and when his wife came home she asked where he was. They have no clue how long he was in there. He was breathing but brain dead, They decided to let him go this morning. He died as soon as they removed the respirator. We are all devastated. MY. dad and brother in law were there with them. They just got home ( 4 hours away) this evening. To top it all off, Josh ( my youngest) had one of his fits today. When I tried to constrain him he kicked me in the face, now I have a fat lip) and kicked my arm I have a nice bruise there. I almost lost it with him. I generally can stay in control but it was like I snapped. I was screaming and yelling. Joe had to come in and try to constrain him and threw out his back in the process. So, I had to pull it together and have my 16 year old son get him and place him in my arms so I could constrain him. I cried the whole time. Needless to say, Joe has spent the whole day in bed on pain pills and muscle relaxers. I took the boys to a baseball game and Kate and her dad laid around all day. I got home and Joe is snapping at me like crazy. I honestly feel like packing my bag and running to a hotel out of town just to get alone but I can not leave Kate while she is recovering, I don't know if Joe is going to be able to work tomorrow and now I have a funeral I have to go to that I really do not think I can handle at this time.
It seems like my life is just one big dramatic mess! It is so unreal. I would not believe it if I were not the one going through it!! I honestly can see why Joe had an affair, it's called escapism! But how do I escape! I so badly wanted a drink today but again something I do not do on a regular basis due to the fact I come from a family of alcoholics! ( Grandparents and uncles, dad was ( I guess is ) but has not had a drink in 35 years. When ever I have I can just keep on going and I know where that can lead! Running has been my escape but like I said I can not even get out to do that or even to the gym right now. Okay sorry for the rant! Guess this is my therapy! Funeral is Tuesday, Guess I can pull myself together by then.
It seems like my life is just one big dramatic mess! It is so unreal. I would not believe it if I were not the one going through it!! I honestly can see why Joe had an affair, it's called escapism! But how do I escape! I so badly wanted a drink today but again something I do not do on a regular basis due to the fact I come from a family of alcoholics! ( Grandparents and uncles, dad was ( I guess is ) but has not had a drink in 35 years. When ever I have I can just keep on going and I know where that can lead! Running has been my escape but like I said I can not even get out to do that or even to the gym right now. Okay sorry for the rant! Guess this is my therapy! Funeral is Tuesday, Guess I can pull myself together by then.
I feel so sorry for you. Dee Dee and I are in a similar situation. We have different "other things" going on in life, and sometimes Dee Dee runs to the "affair".
With all of the studying I've done on the subject, it seems as if the affair ends up being a "safe place". When all else seems to be spinning out of control, you can go there and control how that conversation plays out. Dee Dee admittedly goes there some time to either exact a little revenge or to make me hurt. I understand that, but that is exactly where the control comes in.
With you guys and all of the other stresses, things sometimes seem like a giant hair ball. You've got numerous stressful things going on and you are trying to handle them all.... it's impossible!
I know that at times you realize that you cannot control what happens with your mother or with your daughter. But when everything all comes up at once and it seems like you are the only one trying to handle things, it'll drive you nuts! It really will.
I agree with specialmom. I think it would be so rewarding to have a day all to yourself. A day to do all things Bridgette. Let Joe handle the kids, let your sis take care of mom. Give yourself the space to see that Joe is there and Joe wants to help. Do not be afraid to ask for help.... its right there. I bet Joe will gladly step up!!! (Because we men are dumb, I think you might have to give him some direction.) "Joe, I need a day to myself. I am so stressed out with everything that is going on that I cannot control. I need a day to decompress. I need you to take care of the kids and I am going to ask my sister to step up and help mom. All of this is adding up, and I end up taking it out on you. That's not fair... I see the work you're doing and I need a day to let everything air out."
Say something like that. I bet Joe will totally get it and do everything to get you out of the house.
With all of the studying I've done on the subject, it seems as if the affair ends up being a "safe place". When all else seems to be spinning out of control, you can go there and control how that conversation plays out. Dee Dee admittedly goes there some time to either exact a little revenge or to make me hurt. I understand that, but that is exactly where the control comes in.
With you guys and all of the other stresses, things sometimes seem like a giant hair ball. You've got numerous stressful things going on and you are trying to handle them all.... it's impossible!
I know that at times you realize that you cannot control what happens with your mother or with your daughter. But when everything all comes up at once and it seems like you are the only one trying to handle things, it'll drive you nuts! It really will.
I agree with specialmom. I think it would be so rewarding to have a day all to yourself. A day to do all things Bridgette. Let Joe handle the kids, let your sis take care of mom. Give yourself the space to see that Joe is there and Joe wants to help. Do not be afraid to ask for help.... its right there. I bet Joe will gladly step up!!! (Because we men are dumb, I think you might have to give him some direction.) "Joe, I need a day to myself. I am so stressed out with everything that is going on that I cannot control. I need a day to decompress. I need you to take care of the kids and I am going to ask my sister to step up and help mom. All of this is adding up, and I end up taking it out on you. That's not fair... I see the work you're doing and I need a day to let everything air out."
Say something like that. I bet Joe will totally get it and do everything to get you out of the house.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hon, you are going through a very difficult time. When we are under such tremendous stress, our mind is not strong. You are going to what is almost a 'safe' place---- being angry at the affair. The rest is overwhelming and ongoing. But that distraction of the past gives your mind something to do.
Fight the urge to do this and understand it is worse right now because of being excessively tired, doing so much for everyone else, so much worry.
You need a break from it all. You need a day in which you are not taking care of your mom, doing any jobs for anyone, and not taking care of your kids. (joe can do that and your sister can take a mom day). Just recharge your batteries.
I am sorry it is so hard. It HAS to get better. But find somewhere else to take your mind when stressed. If you need ideas for that, I'll try to help.
Fight the urge to do this and understand it is worse right now because of being excessively tired, doing so much for everyone else, so much worry.
You need a break from it all. You need a day in which you are not taking care of your mom, doing any jobs for anyone, and not taking care of your kids. (joe can do that and your sister can take a mom day). Just recharge your batteries.
I am sorry it is so hard. It HAS to get better. But find somewhere else to take your mind when stressed. If you need ideas for that, I'll try to help.
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