Aa
a controling fiance
I have been together with my fiance for 7 years still not married and nio kids. I love him to death but he is controlling anda bit down grading. He comes from a broken home where he wasnt treated very well. Was beated by his own father at a young age and basically a redheaded step child. Both parents remarried and had other kids and they were treated so much better then him. He is 37 and just now is starting ro reconnect with his mother. I know he gets the control issue from his father and his temper and its just to the point that anything I do or say doesnt mean ****. I am not working and he is and he throws is it in my face all the time. For years I was the one working he wasnt but still he control the money and how we spent it. I dont know what to do anymore he jokes around alot but sometimes I dont take it like a joke and get pissed off. I kow this stms from how his dad is cus he brain washes his wife and is control of everything in that family and she has no say in anything pretty much.
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So I had my little time away from my fiance for 2 days and it went pretty good I should say too soon to change though. I wrote him a long email and told him ho I felt and how he makes me feel with the words he chooses and the controlling aspect as well. He said he doesnt know he does it something and doesn think be fre he says anything and that he doesnt mean to hurt me or be bossy. I told him I dont want our life to be how his dads is with him controlling his wife and making all the decisions in the home. I said if you love me and want to be with me then you are goin to have to listen and take my feelings into consideration. I made him realize that I have been with you through thick and thin from him getting into trouble gettting out of trouble and when he fell off a roof at work I was there every step of the way. If I didnt want to make this work I wouldnt be wasting my time to want to talk and discuss the issues. I know there is things I have to work on to and I am willing to do so if he is. We will see how it goes from there. W are going to try if we can afford it therapy once a week or twice. Thank you all for your help
God bless you and I hope you find all the happiness you deserve. Good luck sweetheart. Let us know how it turns out, and I really hope it turns out well for EVERYONE involved.
You all had valued opinions and suggestions. I am taken all in to consideration. Yes I need to think of myself and what I want and to be happy.I think a separation will make him realize what he has done and give us some space away from each other. You never knew what you has until its gone is soo very true. I am happy we dont have kids cus that makes it so much more harder with a break up. I need to sit back right the bad and good and see what i get and think it over. I am spending the night at a friends house for the weekend and I am going to sit down today write a email and tell him what he does hurts and thats its not right at all. I have some things to work on to with him but what he says hurts more then what I say...I thank you all and I will let you all know what he says and if we are going to end it or try to fix things
I think you are wasting your time. Just because you have been with someone for a long time, does not mean you owe them anything or should stay to try and "work things out". You should really move on and find someone who has the same goals and values as you do. 7 years is an extremely long period of time to be engaged. This guy treats you horribly and you can't change him, he has to change himself. If he doesn't want to change, and he obviously is not, then it's not going to happen. You need to think about yourself right now and what is best for you. This relationship is unhealthy, so move on. Don't waste any more time with this guy. The more time you waste with him, the more chances of meeting the right guy may slip passed you. You are 32, so don't waste any more time with a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Take care.
I hope u guys have spoken about marriage and is taking strides towards that 7yrs is a long time to be engaged. I understand very much what u say about being unable to give up on people, I am a people ho myself but everything has a limit I believe. You can't change anyone. You think that if you just love them that extra bit and give them what they never had they're whole life that they will be better. You do not want to be another person that left them, you want to stick with them through the trials...I would like to be the one to tell you that yr important too, and u have to believe that. You do not deserve to be treated harshly and be put down. With the love you give you should be loved just the same. You have to put yr foot down or you will suffer in great ways.
I get what yr saying 7 years is alot, going to therapy and trying to save the relationship may point out alot of things that are lacking in the relationship but unless yr man gets personal therapy, he may stay the same. You may need to evaluate what you want and do not want.
I get what yr saying 7 years is alot, going to therapy and trying to save the relationship may point out alot of things that are lacking in the relationship but unless yr man gets personal therapy, he may stay the same. You may need to evaluate what you want and do not want.
I too have difficulty understanding the term "fiance" when it's a SEVEN YEAR!! realationship - I mean, that is a very, VERY long time. Granted, I hear these numbers a lot on these posts - but, personally, I don't just don't get it. 7 years is plenty enough time to decide if this is the right move for everyone - Him OR Her!!
That being said, there is Good and Bad in EVERY relationship - if the Bad OUTWEIGHS the Good, You have Your answer - time to move on.
SO
make Your own list
take Your own measurements
make Your own decision
I apologize if I sound a bit blunt - but sometimes it really can be more simple than we make it out to be. Have You heard the song "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover"? Silly maybe, but this song is what gave me the courage to do what I SHOULD have done YEARS (15 years!!) before I did it.
Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover:
"get out the back, jack"
"make a new plan, stan"
"get on the bus, gus"
"set yourself free, lee"
There's more. Listen to it. But, my simple message is: take Your strength from wherever You can find it. Sometimes, it's more simple/easier than we think
I wish/I hope the best for You.
PS
You say He is 37 (this is a big clue!! - how much time, effort, energy does He have for change?? does He want change??) How old are You??
It's a blessing that there are no children - yet!!
That being said, there is Good and Bad in EVERY relationship - if the Bad OUTWEIGHS the Good, You have Your answer - time to move on.
SO
make Your own list
take Your own measurements
make Your own decision
I apologize if I sound a bit blunt - but sometimes it really can be more simple than we make it out to be. Have You heard the song "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover"? Silly maybe, but this song is what gave me the courage to do what I SHOULD have done YEARS (15 years!!) before I did it.
Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover:
"get out the back, jack"
"make a new plan, stan"
"get on the bus, gus"
"set yourself free, lee"
There's more. Listen to it. But, my simple message is: take Your strength from wherever You can find it. Sometimes, it's more simple/easier than we think
I wish/I hope the best for You.
PS
You say He is 37 (this is a big clue!! - how much time, effort, energy does He have for change?? does He want change??) How old are You??
It's a blessing that there are no children - yet!!
You seem to be focued on the number of years and that means you should try to salvage this. Actually, you have only had 4 good years because the last 3 weren't good.
How many more "red flags" do you need to convince you this is NOT a good thing?
Usually people are on their "best behavior" prior to marriage. If this is his best before marriage, well.....need I say more?
Distance between him and his family will not erase the terrible upbringing this man has experienced and its effect on him. He would have to sort all this out in therapy, which I don't think he will do.
Yes, all this stems from his past, but remember it IS and WILL affect YOU.
How many more "red flags" do you need to convince you this is NOT a good thing?
Usually people are on their "best behavior" prior to marriage. If this is his best before marriage, well.....need I say more?
Distance between him and his family will not erase the terrible upbringing this man has experienced and its effect on him. He would have to sort all this out in therapy, which I don't think he will do.
Yes, all this stems from his past, but remember it IS and WILL affect YOU.
Well, then, you already know what you have to do. Couple's counseling and hard work. If it works, fantastic! If your life doesn't get drastically better by - say - this time, next year, I'd say go ahead and walk away and be glad that ALL you wasted was 8 years rather than your whole life.
If you really want to try to work it out, by all means...go to counseling with him and try to make it work. But if he doesn't give it his all, and things don't change, please...don't cheat yourself a happy future. Be strong enough to seize happiness for yourself and walk away.
Best of luck
If you really want to try to work it out, by all means...go to counseling with him and try to make it work. But if he doesn't give it his all, and things don't change, please...don't cheat yourself a happy future. Be strong enough to seize happiness for yourself and walk away.
Best of luck
I know but I think its worth trying and saving our relationship after 7 years. I know its not right for what he does and i shouldnt be here but if you try t fix it and work together then you love them is what I think
Relationship Therapy,and if he doesn,t want to go then it means he doesn,t care and he,s not worth the trouble.I think the writings already on the wall.
I guess its cus I dont like to give up on people and when we dont live by his dad he is totaly different person and does try. Its not always been like this the whole 7 years together its just been worse the last 3 years. Ys I will admitt I make up excuses for him and I dont think about myself but giving up on a 7 year relationship doesnt seem right to me. He has relationship problems obviously wich stems from his relationship with his parents. Maybe I should suggest couple couseling or something or really sit down and talk to him. I can only talk to him and tell him how I feel and if he doesnt chose to try and change then I will make other arrangments.
First problem: why have you been engaged for SEVEN years? Second: RUN don't walk away from this guy. That is, unless you want to marry your father-in-law and have your mother-in-law's life. Because that will be your future. The fact that you are writing to this forum to ask about these things is your first clue. Never get married unless you have no doubts and are absolutely sure, sure, sure.
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Now, don't get me wrong. I think someone can still be a good person even when the wounds of childhood cause them to be relationship disasters as adults. It's just a question of whether you want to live like that.
Many people do take a stand for themselves and move on when someone does not act as we'd like in a relationship. And maybe he does some of the time------------ but from the way you write this post and as other's have picked up as well------ you've been 'wanting' this relationship enough to look the other way about things deep down you know you should not have.
And when a woman does that-------- I always wonder why they are so willing to settle for less than they should. Was your dad a bit distant in his relationship with your mother? Is there something that is comforting to your subconscious in this relationship? This is key to figuring out for this relationship and any to come.
I think everyone here hopes that this relationship works out for you but I do think you will have to break some well worn patterns. That is hard and takes a lot of work on both parties behalf. good luck