Aa
bf doesnt shower help!
i could use some advise pls...
im 25 and been with my bf for 6 months. we recently moved in together. its not my first serious relationship but its the first time im dealing with an issue of this sort - my bf doesnt care of what he looks like or what he smells like. initially when we met he had long hair, wore a jacket that had holes in it, didnt shave or brush his teeth regulary. all of those things are huge turn offs for me. but i saw through all that and liked the person that he is and how he treated me. from my prior experiences with men little things like that are fixable. but in this case i feel like im beating my head against the wall! at first i managed to convince him to get a hair cut, i absolutely hate long hair, so he agreed to get a haircut. he looks soooo much better with short hair! then we had a shower and teeth brushing argument. he came to sleep over and he was so stinky i started gaging! i made it clear that if he wants to be near me he has to be showered and clean. its not even a sex issue at this point, its an issue of breathing. i also took him shopping and uptaded his wardrobe. all his friends were amazed at what he started to look like. from his family and friends i get constant high fives on how i cleaned him up. but now that we live together... first thing i did was throw out every sock or shirt that had holes in it. but it pretty much stopped at that. he doesnt cut his toe nails - its to the point that our bed sheets have holes at the bottom cuz his toes cut them!! he showers once every 2 days. bareally brushes his teeth. doesnt wear deodorant or cologne, and can go for days in the same pair of pants. in 6 months he only got 2 haircuts. and he shaves once a week. i tried everything already! i tried talking to him and explaining how much of an issue this is for me. i nicely tell him to go shower he tells me not now. i only tell him cuz i can smell him from another room!! and it makes me physically notious. im so discussed and turned off... when i imagine us having sex... i might as well be doing it with a homeless person, same reaction, i gag! and now on top of everything he started to put on serious weight and refuses to do anything about it.
i am very much into looking good and clean. and i am embrassed cuz of him. really i feel like he represents how good of a wifey i am and it seems like im failing. although our house is sparkling clean and there is always food ready.
its really getting to me. getting to the point where i dont know how much more of this i can take....
thanks in advance for all advice :)
im 25 and been with my bf for 6 months. we recently moved in together. its not my first serious relationship but its the first time im dealing with an issue of this sort - my bf doesnt care of what he looks like or what he smells like. initially when we met he had long hair, wore a jacket that had holes in it, didnt shave or brush his teeth regulary. all of those things are huge turn offs for me. but i saw through all that and liked the person that he is and how he treated me. from my prior experiences with men little things like that are fixable. but in this case i feel like im beating my head against the wall! at first i managed to convince him to get a hair cut, i absolutely hate long hair, so he agreed to get a haircut. he looks soooo much better with short hair! then we had a shower and teeth brushing argument. he came to sleep over and he was so stinky i started gaging! i made it clear that if he wants to be near me he has to be showered and clean. its not even a sex issue at this point, its an issue of breathing. i also took him shopping and uptaded his wardrobe. all his friends were amazed at what he started to look like. from his family and friends i get constant high fives on how i cleaned him up. but now that we live together... first thing i did was throw out every sock or shirt that had holes in it. but it pretty much stopped at that. he doesnt cut his toe nails - its to the point that our bed sheets have holes at the bottom cuz his toes cut them!! he showers once every 2 days. bareally brushes his teeth. doesnt wear deodorant or cologne, and can go for days in the same pair of pants. in 6 months he only got 2 haircuts. and he shaves once a week. i tried everything already! i tried talking to him and explaining how much of an issue this is for me. i nicely tell him to go shower he tells me not now. i only tell him cuz i can smell him from another room!! and it makes me physically notious. im so discussed and turned off... when i imagine us having sex... i might as well be doing it with a homeless person, same reaction, i gag! and now on top of everything he started to put on serious weight and refuses to do anything about it.
i am very much into looking good and clean. and i am embrassed cuz of him. really i feel like he represents how good of a wifey i am and it seems like im failing. although our house is sparkling clean and there is always food ready.
its really getting to me. getting to the point where i dont know how much more of this i can take....
thanks in advance for all advice :)
Although, I am curious, like mami1323 pointed out--if this recent talk you had with him is all it took, what about all the other times you attempted to talk to him, but he's reverted back?
He was raised into a habit of lack and care of hygiene; most likely, one talk is not going to change this problem habit for good, if at all. In order to truly change, he's going to have to want to take on all the initiative for himself, not for you.
And I just have to say this, but witholding sex and threatening to leave is manipulative, petty, and immature to use against a person to make them conform to what you want. If you do that, it's almost certain it will backfire in your face and turn out nothing like how you intended it.
Wishing you the best, though, in all honesty.
He was raised into a habit of lack and care of hygiene; most likely, one talk is not going to change this problem habit for good, if at all. In order to truly change, he's going to have to want to take on all the initiative for himself, not for you.
And I just have to say this, but witholding sex and threatening to leave is manipulative, petty, and immature to use against a person to make them conform to what you want. If you do that, it's almost certain it will backfire in your face and turn out nothing like how you intended it.
Wishing you the best, though, in all honesty.
I agree with RR on this one. If only it were that simple that a talk would change someone for good. It takes years to change ones behavior and like I said, it's if it's wanted by the other person. It's amazing to me that you came on here asking us all for advice and all you needed was one really good talk. So what happened to the other talks you had with him but yet he reverted back to his old behavior? Or was this the only talk you've had? I wish you the best because having to withhold sex will only lead to animosity and resentment on his part.
Great that you've got everything worked out so nicely, broke.
The rest of us all know this isn't going to last past next month. But anyway, enjoy it now.
There's an old saying, "Women marry men expecting to change them, and men marry women expecting they will remain exactly the same forever. Neither is true".
But anyway, best wishes with this. You'll come to the truth soon enough.
The rest of us all know this isn't going to last past next month. But anyway, enjoy it now.
There's an old saying, "Women marry men expecting to change them, and men marry women expecting they will remain exactly the same forever. Neither is true".
But anyway, best wishes with this. You'll come to the truth soon enough.
i am not trying to fix him, just his view of how important hygene is. and to prove you all wrong, after a sit down and a talk with him today, he appologized, took a shower and brushed his teeth. called his barber and made an apointment for tomorrow, and i will make sure he goes.
GRose - we are never intimate unless he showers within a 2 hour window. he knows better. he doesnt shower hes not getting into bed with me.
i also tried explaining to him that other people are just to polite to say anything to him. cuz his argument is if noone says anything to him it must be ok. so i explained that other people dont have to sleep with him, and dont feel comfortable enough to bring up a sensitive issue like this.
so like i said it is fixable and manageble just have to find the right key. eventually it will create a habbit. well we will see there is always witholding sex and threatening to leave =P
GRose - we are never intimate unless he showers within a 2 hour window. he knows better. he doesnt shower hes not getting into bed with me.
i also tried explaining to him that other people are just to polite to say anything to him. cuz his argument is if noone says anything to him it must be ok. so i explained that other people dont have to sleep with him, and dont feel comfortable enough to bring up a sensitive issue like this.
so like i said it is fixable and manageble just have to find the right key. eventually it will create a habbit. well we will see there is always witholding sex and threatening to leave =P
I agree with GNicole, something isn't right. I can see showering every other day but no longer than that and there is no excuse for not brushing his teeth or wearing deodorant. I can't imagine how you are intimate with him, it must be brutal. I also agree with everyone that told you that you can't "fix" or "mold" him to be the person that you want him to be, I spent 3 years with my ex trying to do that and it NEVER worked, he was 19-22 during that time. You cannot change someone who doesn't want to change.
He needs direction and training!
Maybe if you make showering and bathing interesting and playful... like showering with him and scrubbing his back. Or, inviting him join you in a nice warm bubble bath soak, he might view hygiene as something more than a chore. Show him that clean time is fun time. Now, does this sound a bit like treating him as though he was a child? Well, yes!
Maybe if you make showering and bathing interesting and playful... like showering with him and scrubbing his back. Or, inviting him join you in a nice warm bubble bath soak, he might view hygiene as something more than a chore. Show him that clean time is fun time. Now, does this sound a bit like treating him as though he was a child? Well, yes!
It sounds like this person has alot of mental health issues. This is not normal behavior for anyone let alone a 22 year old. Something isn't right here....................................
You can not "fix" someone, people want to change not for others but for themselves. You either take him for the disgusting person he is or you don't. It's as simple as that. By the way, 22 year olds know how to bathe and know how to look good. They are not pigs and are being trained at 22 to shower and dress nice. He sounds like a project for you, like high fiving your friends on how you fixed him up. I think you have some underlining issues to work on yourself. Especially allowing yourself to move in with a man who slices holes in your bed sheets because his toe nails are that long. He's a human, not an eagle catching his fish for food. It just sounds like you need to move on, keep him as a friend but not as a romantic partner.
Well, I'm just giving you the most honest advice I can. I really don't think you are going to fix this problem for him, especially if he's been raised this way. You shouldn't have to fix it, either. This should be an issue that he needs no reminders to keep up with. Showering, changing his clothes, brushing his teeth, wearing deoderant, etc. This is all stuff that you remind a child under the age of 5 to do on a daily basis (well, except for wearing deoderant, lol), stuff that you look after because they are literally incapable of doing it on their own; but an adult...honestly, I can't think of an excuse for any healthy, able adult not to take care of such basic needs but need to be *told* to do that on a *daily* basis. There is just something wrong with that picture, no matter how wonderful of a person they may be at heart.
I understand that you think he's a great guy, and I don't doubt how highly you think of him. So okay, seeing as you say he was raised this way, then you come into the picture, after six months he should be getting a clue, or at least taking some initiative on his own and not needing reminders day after day. But you've stated that this problem seems to be getting worse, and that now he's putting on weight and doesn't seem to care. It really seems that if he cares so much to have you as his gf, then he would really be putting forth more effort to do things without being told, such as taking measures to buy his own deoderant or cheap cologne, or brush his teeth even once a day, or only wear a pair of pants for two days, max, and only the second day if they appear to be clean. And at least wash his hair and face each day, if not shower. You know, little things like that. But I'm getting the message that you have to still remind him to do all this stuff and more every single day.
As I said before, and as RockRose also pointed out, there are plenty of men available that will treat you just as nicely, or better even, and that do not need to be told to keep up with their own hygiene each day. It is just NOT NORMAL to have to tell a well-abled adult in the United States to do that. They can be the sweetest person in the world, and that is still just plain abnormal. I'm sorry, but I can't be convinced otherwise.
I'm not telling you to dump him or anything; that's your choice. But you're asking for advice on how to "fix" what should be a normal, instinctual issue in an adult man--and I don't have any advice other than you should NOT have to fix it. It is not your job to do that.
Fixing someone, or molding someone, should be for something like an opinion or something, not for basic self-care as an adult.
I understand that you think he's a great guy, and I don't doubt how highly you think of him. So okay, seeing as you say he was raised this way, then you come into the picture, after six months he should be getting a clue, or at least taking some initiative on his own and not needing reminders day after day. But you've stated that this problem seems to be getting worse, and that now he's putting on weight and doesn't seem to care. It really seems that if he cares so much to have you as his gf, then he would really be putting forth more effort to do things without being told, such as taking measures to buy his own deoderant or cheap cologne, or brush his teeth even once a day, or only wear a pair of pants for two days, max, and only the second day if they appear to be clean. And at least wash his hair and face each day, if not shower. You know, little things like that. But I'm getting the message that you have to still remind him to do all this stuff and more every single day.
As I said before, and as RockRose also pointed out, there are plenty of men available that will treat you just as nicely, or better even, and that do not need to be told to keep up with their own hygiene each day. It is just NOT NORMAL to have to tell a well-abled adult in the United States to do that. They can be the sweetest person in the world, and that is still just plain abnormal. I'm sorry, but I can't be convinced otherwise.
I'm not telling you to dump him or anything; that's your choice. But you're asking for advice on how to "fix" what should be a normal, instinctual issue in an adult man--and I don't have any advice other than you should NOT have to fix it. It is not your job to do that.
Fixing someone, or molding someone, should be for something like an opinion or something, not for basic self-care as an adult.
you shouldn't have to "fix" him. if you can't accept him and his smelliness...then maybe he isn't the one for you. i know with my dh i accept him for all he is. and he's got his issues. i don't try to "fix" him.
you are mistaken, 22 is not the age when guys are at their best. this is just when they are learning to be their best. plus its different for everyone. hes not smelly on purpose he just doesnt care. and how are u getting aggressive out what i said about him? passive if anything or lazy. and believe me this is not a guy that noone wants, u should see his ex's. people love him dispite his hygene levels.
hygene issue is where his parents messed up, it just wasnt tought properly. but other then that they did a great job raising him. his values are all in the right places.
and again im not asking anyone to judge me or him, im asking for ideas how to fix this issue.
hygene issue is where his parents messed up, it just wasnt tought properly. but other then that they did a great job raising him. his values are all in the right places.
and again im not asking anyone to judge me or him, im asking for ideas how to fix this issue.
again i know its gross and disgusting and so on. im not asking weather it is. im asking how to fix it. if u actually knew me ud be even more amazed at the fact that im with sumone like that. im the girl that will spend 2 hrs on getting ready before leaving the house, and i care a lot of what i look like and what people think about me. but im not that superficial (i think thats the right word) to not give a time of day to a great person just because their priorities are different then mine.
i googled "my bf doesnt shower" there are tons of girls out there with the same problem. is a good relationship worth giving up on because of issues that could be fixed? if a guy hits or cheats or misstreats u in anyway, those things are not fixable and should be deal breakers. my bf is the guy that will proudly introduce me to his friends when im on my worst and say "THATS HER" with love in his voice. this is sumone that will suport u tru no matter what and wont leave u if god forbid something bad was to happen to me, just cuz i will no longer be up to his standards. qualities like that should be put on a higher "things that matter" meter, then hygene.
i know i can fix this particular isssue, the question is how?
i googled "my bf doesnt shower" there are tons of girls out there with the same problem. is a good relationship worth giving up on because of issues that could be fixed? if a guy hits or cheats or misstreats u in anyway, those things are not fixable and should be deal breakers. my bf is the guy that will proudly introduce me to his friends when im on my worst and say "THATS HER" with love in his voice. this is sumone that will suport u tru no matter what and wont leave u if god forbid something bad was to happen to me, just cuz i will no longer be up to his standards. qualities like that should be put on a higher "things that matter" meter, then hygene.
i know i can fix this particular isssue, the question is how?
You really shouldn't have to "fix" something so basic and instinctive as hygiene in an adult.
broke, you're not seeing this clearly. He isn't messy because he's young - he's not 2 years old.
This is the time in a man's life where he will be paying the MOST attention to his appearance and hygiene.
Men who are purposely as dirty and smelly as he is are either mentally ill, or aggressive. Reading through your post, I pick aggressive. Either way, the thing about picking a boyfriend is you look around and pick one who is already what you want - you don't pick up some guy who is so gross that no other woman will have him, and then work hard to change him.
Men aren't that moldable, you're learning. Pick a guy who already IS clean and sweet smelling, and things will go smoother.
This is the time in a man's life where he will be paying the MOST attention to his appearance and hygiene.
Men who are purposely as dirty and smelly as he is are either mentally ill, or aggressive. Reading through your post, I pick aggressive. Either way, the thing about picking a boyfriend is you look around and pick one who is already what you want - you don't pick up some guy who is so gross that no other woman will have him, and then work hard to change him.
Men aren't that moldable, you're learning. Pick a guy who already IS clean and sweet smelling, and things will go smoother.
disgusting isn't the word. i wouldn't have given him a second look. my dh was in iraq...no shower for WEEKS he still managed to keep clean (they had wipes and what not). your bf is just....lazy. i don't know how you've been able to put up with it this long....or why? how are you going to carry on a relationship, get married if you can't stand being near him or breathing near him. gonna get nose plugs? you need to sit him down and tell him either he starts taking care of himself oooorrrrrr you'll have to do something else about it....
i know its gross. in the beggining he was willing to adjust to my hygene demands, but now that hes comfortable he thinks that i should let him be him.
im pretty sure that this is a fixable issue. just got figure out a way to fix it. he really does love me, and does care.
i just think he feels that im taking away from his "i" by telling him what to do. and im not sure exactly how to overcome that.
i should mention that hes 22 and he never lived on his own. so there are other issues at play here not just lack of hygene.
from my experience men are moldable if you find the right "tool" to mold them with. especially 22 year olds, as his not done maturing and is not set as a person yet. he will change another 10 times before his 30. hopefully one of those changes will be caring about hygene...
im pretty sure that this is a fixable issue. just got figure out a way to fix it. he really does love me, and does care.
i just think he feels that im taking away from his "i" by telling him what to do. and im not sure exactly how to overcome that.
i should mention that hes 22 and he never lived on his own. so there are other issues at play here not just lack of hygene.
from my experience men are moldable if you find the right "tool" to mold them with. especially 22 year olds, as his not done maturing and is not set as a person yet. he will change another 10 times before his 30. hopefully one of those changes will be caring about hygene...
I really don't want to sound rude here, but your bf sounds digusting. Personally, I wouldn't have tolerated anything like that for more than a couple of weeks, so I don't know how you even found the desire to move in with him.
I guess all I have to say is that you may have seen through his lack of hygiene for the person he is and how well he treats you, but honestly, there are many, many men out there who can treat you just as well...and take care of their own basic hygenic needs without you having to look after them and nag them like a mother of a three year old. Really, his lack of care for himself is extremely immature and he's only harming his own opportunities. With lack of care for his hygiene, not many employers are going to even want to interview him for more than five minutes.
I agree with RockRose--at this early in a relationship, men are usually trying to display their best to impress, which generally lasts up to a year or more. In your case, it sounds like it can only get worse from here.
I guess all I have to say is that you may have seen through his lack of hygiene for the person he is and how well he treats you, but honestly, there are many, many men out there who can treat you just as well...and take care of their own basic hygenic needs without you having to look after them and nag them like a mother of a three year old. Really, his lack of care for himself is extremely immature and he's only harming his own opportunities. With lack of care for his hygiene, not many employers are going to even want to interview him for more than five minutes.
I agree with RockRose--at this early in a relationship, men are usually trying to display their best to impress, which generally lasts up to a year or more. In your case, it sounds like it can only get worse from here.
broke, you keep using language like "it's important to you" and that you prefer men who smell good and are clean.
You're kind of in denial here. This isn't a personal preference issue - everyone dislikes dirty smelly people.
If he's not willing to dress and shave and shower for you at this early point in your relationship, when most guys put on their very best self, it's only going to get worse.
Gross.
You're kind of in denial here. This isn't a personal preference issue - everyone dislikes dirty smelly people.
If he's not willing to dress and shave and shower for you at this early point in your relationship, when most guys put on their very best self, it's only going to get worse.
Gross.
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