cheap men

[broke123]

i was just wondering... how does one deal with a bf/husband thats very cheap?

me n my bf r movin in together officially as of next month (even tho ive been livin at his place for the last 3-4 months). but now im giving up my own apt.

anyways, the "cheap" topic keeps coming up with us. if he buys me a pack of cigs he wants 5$ back. today he said that 8$ from mcdonalds.. is too expensive!!! i mean cummon!! 8$!!

he makes triple what i do.

i never ask for anythin, he never bought me anything (i got a card for my birthday). but im very independent, and just tell myself - i dont need his money, i have my own.

is this fixable? how can i get pass this? any advice?

thanx to all =)

[RockRose]

What are your goals for the future?  In 10 years,  do you want to be married to a kind and caring and care-taking man,  and have a happy quiet home and a couple kids?   If you do,  this isn't the man for you and you're totally wasting your time.

Or do you view life as a big series of unexpected adventures.  You don't ever want to be married,  you would really prefer to do a lot of travelling and experiencing life in the world,  and you want to have an interesting career,  and you don't want to have kids.  This might be just the guy for you,  for awhile.

No,  he won't change.   (been there,  been engaged to that for 3 years,  thankfully got out before marrying him).

[broke123]

i know he wont change. people dont change, i learned that a long time ago the hard way.

im just trying to figure out if "cheapness" is a big enough deal. and to see if its something i can look past and live with.

he has a lot of positives, he cooks and cleans (more than i do), takes care of me if im sick, he will deffenetly never cheat (has very idealistic values, when it comes to that), he listens, he will be a good father, hes a workaholic, not bad alcohol or drug habits, comes from a good family (which seems to like me).

money is our bigest issue. im just hoping when i make enough money, and together we r not going pay check to pay check, the stress will ease off.

and to answer ur question, im 23 and really not thinking too much long tearm. id want to be with my kids while they r little, but i also dont think i can be without a carrer.

just trying to figure out if there is a way to live with a cheap man...

sorry i keep writing novels =)

[Trialanderror]

A lot of men who earn a good living are like that. They have learned to save every penny and it hurts them to let go of any penny. Sometimes they can be very generous with their own children but their whole world usually evolves around gathering money. I find them especially stingy with emotions. And I know lots of couples who still argue about grocery bills after years of marriage or living together. Check your memory if you ever felt emotionally starved with your boyfriend. If yes, I woudl not move in together and deal with all the financial madness on top of it. If it is only the cheapness and you truly think you can look beyond it every day, go for it.

[sohnnie]

Cheapness IS a big enough deal - that's why you're asking for input from strangers.  Believe me - I should know.  I've had to learn the hard way (again).  I was married to a cheap man (selfish is another word) - men that want to SAVE money for their partner or families - that's not CHEAP - mean that do things for themselves are selfish.  Anyway - I'm a career woman.  Independent.  Don't NEED their money - but - it would be nice to have a man be thoughtful like I am.  You don't have to spend a lot of money to show you care.  It's when they make it VERY CLEAR that they DON'T want to spend a penny - it's RUDE, CRUDE AND HURTFUL.  SELFISH.  Get away.  Cheapness DOES matter.  Being frugal to have dreams come true for your family isn't cheap.  If he's always talking about money - vs. always talking about a future with you and dreams you can make come true - he's cheap.  Good luck to you.  Rise above the cheapness in his actions.  Low life!  It DOES matter.  When we have to asks ourselves (does it matter?)  Yes - it does.

[RockRose]

Broke - what are your plans for the finances once you move in together?

Are you planning to split everything 50/50,  rent,  utilities,  etc.?    If you are,  I think this will quickly become a deal breaker.

My husband is extremely frugal,  and he makes a lot of money,  and I've never made hardly any because my background is social work.    We never lived together before marriage,  and when we got married we got a joint checking account,  and as a married couple the money was "ours".   Not "mine" and "yours".  I think that might cause you some real problems.

My husband will opt to drive home from errands and make a sandwich rather than stopping at McDonalds because of the expense,  and he'll plan ahead and use cash machines that don't charge $2 for a withdrawal rather than just getting cash at the grocery store and paying 2 bucks.  So I understand that part about your boyfriend.

My husband,  though,  spends a lot of money on things that will last forever.  He's bought me nice jewelry that will retain its value forever,  he buys nice cars and nice furniture that he intends to have in the house forever.

It's kind of a concern that your boyfriend has never bought you any gifts.  

Best wishes.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I would be concerned that he didn't give you a nice gift for your b-day.  Both my husband and myself are thrifty.  We are both the children of immigrants and grew up in households where parents saved and did not waste a thing.  However, he will occassionally surprise me with a piece of jewellry and for my 40th birthday he have me tickets to the DR.

Do you have financial goals as a couple?  Money is the number one things couples fight about.  You need to work this out before you move in.  We actually sat down together with a financial counsellor for advice before we were married.  We decided our goals and how we were going to pay our bills and spend our money.  And we NEVER fight about money.  (not that we don't bicker about other things)

Work this out now.

[nell23]

Hi Broke

I couldn't believe it reading your letter, I am in almost exactly the same situation. My fiance earns 3 times what I do, and lately he got annoyed when I asked him for help with a phone bill. I have also been off work with no notice for 6 weeks and had over $1000 of medical bills which he hasn't helped with at all and I'm still paying off. He has gotten better over the course of our relationship; he now buys me things when he goes away, takes us out for dinner etc, but mostly he has his own things he wants to save his money for. I'm really struggling with this at the mo, which is how I ended up here! what have your thoughts been after reading peoples' responses to your problem?

Nell

[Ceela]

I guess I have a different take on this because I have always made more money than the guys I have dated.  I started being very ambiguous about how much money I made because they would start expecting me to pay for everything.  I always paid when I made the dinner suggestion but if they wanted to do something they should expect to pay too.  People who make decent living that is more than the people they date (whether male or female) get really tired of the "You make so much more than me so I am entitled to some of yours" attitude.  I wasn't dating to be someone's Mom and I don't have to "share" my money with you unless we are married.  You'd be surprised how much 5$ here and there can add up and it doesn't feel good to have to look at someone you might want to date as a potential financial investment.  Plus I would never ask someone to buy me something (even cigarettes) without giving them money.  I would also never ask for a "loan" for bills or to be bought something I can't buy for myself.  Is this guy a boyfriend or a bank?  

I do find the lack of gift giving a little odd but then I suspect he is feeling the pull on his wallet and he is pulling back.  I would just have an honest conversation about expenses and expectations and see if you can live with whatever he thinks.  I don't think it is fair to demonize this guy just because he doesn't want to be someone's Sugar Daddy.  I'm not saying that is what the OP is trying to do but he may just be a little leary if he has been taken advantage of before?  How about explaining to him that you want gifts for your birthday as an expression of his affection but they can be something he made or does for you rather than something he has to spend a lot of cash on.  Set a five dollar limit for both of you and then get creative.  You will find out very quickly whether this guy is, as suggested in other posts, a stingy jerk who doesn't even care enough about you to put any effort into making you a gift; or just a guy who works really hard for his money and doesn't like feeling like he has to pay for your time.  


PS.Now that I am married it is "our" money but we did negotiate savings goals, discresionary spending, and our money plan and philosophy before we got married.  I had to give a little and he had to give a little but we came to what we both felt was a fair compromise and after five years together we have not had a single fight about money!

[MasterLady]

I married my perfect but cheap man! If I had to do it again, I would NOT.  The cheapness won't go anywhere even if you make a million dollars a year.  It gets more complicated when you have kids, how can you not let your child grow up cheap with such a father?  We both have very well-paid jobs and don't have any financial issues.  Still he is cheap , no matter how hard he truely tries not to be and eventhough it is bothering him as well.  He "borrows" things that he doesn't see the need to buy, whereas in my mind if you need it you buy it (and I am talking about simple things like ladders or jumpers).  Anyway, cheapness is a big deal and if you don't want to fight it every single day of your life, move away.

[sk123]

By most men's standards, I'm pretty high-maintenance, so you should probably take my advice with a grain of salt. Being cheap is a definite deal-breaker in my mind.

anxiousmomtobe? was right when she said finances is the biggest thing that couples fight about. I think if you're both frugal, then it's fine. But if you're really not and he really is, then I think it's something that will be difficult to get past.

I probably spend as much on my boyfriends as they do on me, and that was true when I was a starving student and they were employed and when I'm employed and they're struggling. I think one of the best things about being in a relationship is having someone to take care of, give gifts to, and be generous with. For me, if that doesn't feel balanced, it's not worth it.

[EvilNecklace]

I do not know what my boyfriend is, I am still trying to gage it. He works hard and has one son, never been married.  I have been married with three children and none live with me.  I pay child support, and love it.  Getting back the cheap boyfriend, he fights before an event such as but not limited to B'day's, valentine's and mother's day, so he never buys a gift or takes me out on special days.  When we go to the movies he will not buy popcorn or anything else. He sweat me on a $2.00 game of pool.  He bought me a $14.95 journey necklace for XMAS.  I wrote him a ten page letter and broke it off.  He called the letter an evil letter, I told him the only thing that was evil was him and his $14.95 necklace.

He wanted me to shack-up with him I said absolutely not, I have never shacked and never will.  He has some great skills that I am trying to optimize for our future, if we make it that far.  There are guys out there that love to pay and it is not a problem, but in this case I think this person was hurt badly.

Best Regards,
Evil Necklace

[giraffe7983]

I eat at McDonald's all the time and I've made various income over the years. As far as the cigarettes, I would never buy him for my gf. I would be even cheaper than him in that  area. I would say be thankful he's not a spendthrift and going into deep debt. Maybe you can strike a balance and ask if can he treat you to a movie or concert every once in a while.  

[MrsOckert]

Is the boyfriend cheap or not?  It depends on you...do you spend money at the drop of a hat?  My husband takes a sandwich and an apple to work for lunch EVERY single day, all while men around him are going out to lunch - spending $25 - $30 dollars EVERY week.  That adds up to a partial car payment each month.

If we have no bills and aren't in debt my husband wouldn't have a problem with McDonald's but if we've just had some major bills come in and he's feeling stressed about making sure everything gets paid then yes, McDonald's would be too expensive.

Only you can answer some of these questions.  At least with my husband I never have to worry about not having money in the bank for emergencies and trust me...McDonald's is never an emergency.

[gwen2002]

Ya thats cheap to me. I believe the guy should be the man of the house of course I don';t have that either.My bf  is cheap! been with him 5 yrs now and he got worst not better.I don't see his money he don't see mine.I don't think thats much of a relationship.

[slow_healer]

Why don't you sit down and TALK about what is appropriate to spend on each other? Don't wait for the situation to come up, and then get angry about it. I agree with Trialanderror - some people learn to save, especially if they haven't always made great money. That's a GREAT asset to find in a person. $5 on cigarettes here and $8 on fast food there does add up quickly, whether you're making great money or not. Unless you're reciprocating by buying him a meal here and there to make up for the times he pays for you, it's really not a fair deal for him.

Try talking to your boyfriend about gifts. Set a spending limit (e.g. $50.00). That way it's clear what your expectations are, and if he's too cheap to negotiate that, then I think you've got a real problem. He may  feel uncomfortable with the idea of him having to foot the bill each time you feel like having fast food and other stuff.

The fact that your boyfriend makes triple of what you make doesn't entitle you to his earnings. You're not married, or planning on marriage yet, so why would he suddenly open his bank account to you? How would you feel if the situation were reversed? If I were you, I would talk to him ASAP about who's going to pay how much of which bills before you move in together. If you're expecting him to pay for all of them, you might have a rough start to living together.

[Hatesmommasboys]

Do you think you can take it (money) with you?  C'mon, life is so short.  Be kind to your girlfriends and/or wives.  Saving for a rainy day is great.  Being a jerk about McDonald's is ridiculous.  If you're sleeping with your girlfriend/wives, they should ALWAYS receive a present of no less than $100.00 on Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day and any other special occasion.  Cheap men suck!  They are no more than selfish mean little boys deep inside who don't deserve a girlfriend/wife.

[101mistakes]

i've been dating a man that gives very little. i don't complain because he is supporting and living with two grown daughters that don't work. recently, i had to have surgery. he insisted that he would take care of the surgery (he is a doctor and was going to trade with another doc).
i apprehensively had the surgery and then rec'd the bill last week.
he takes me to the movies on most weekend and i buy popcorn. i buy groceries when i can't afford them to cook for him. we have been dating for 4 years and on my last birthday he went skiing and didn't want to come back for my day. finally he arrived with a gift from an office supply
store that was about 85.00. whenever i need anything or am in a jam he
tells me to call my ex. oh, and this last year i found out he cheated on me with a woman who is 59 years old. (just used her for sex) . i am
completely to blame for having him in my life. the medical bill situation
has finally woken me up. and i have to ask myself "how did i get to this
place" . also,, he never has ever told me he loves me. he is empty in emotion and empty at promises, gift and extremely cheap. i think this all ties in together. so how stupid am I ???

[mirandavilla]

he made a comment the last time i was over at his house which is 80 miles away. i always drive there every weekend to see him and spend time. he gave me one new toilet paper roll when i ran out last sat night. i told him i needed a new roll in the bathroom....okay the following morning he noticed that i needed another roll.he said "didn't i give you a new roll last night?"

these were the very thin, cheapest rolls too, i told him i had my period very heavy and was sick....i told him oh i need to bring my own toilet paper. he just laughed..

this is the same man who skips meals, eats in the am and will not have anything until 6 or 7 pm when i'm there....most of the time he does not even offer me water.

he even asked how many cups of coffee i was making in the am when i saw me pour a lot of his bottled water in the coffee pot

he does not buy milk either

i am very disappointed at how i learned he was after dating him since oct of this year

[mirandavilla]

yeah, the guy i was dating bought himself a $300 picture for his office for work. but he will not buy milk, or does not like me to use a lot of his thin, cheap toilet paper he buys.....he did not even want me to go on birth control pills, because he said it would cost me....wow he better not ever ever have children


i cried hard the last time i saw him. we drove an hour to a mall to find gloves for him, he picked a pair out, found a better pair, exchanged the first ones, etc..all the while did not ask me if i was hungry or thirsty....this was the weekend before christmas too...

we had no lunch and i drove back home 80 miles away in the rain close to dinner time...that is about the 4th time i put up with him and that behavior. i cried so hard. he was so cheap.....everything was for himself. those gloves were $30, he bought a gps thing for his car that was $700 but could not ask if i was hungry or thirsty...

on our very first date he complained how much dating web sties cost to join and how he had to remodel his home...i should have left then....

[mirandavilla]

instead of not talking and just crying to myself alone...see i just started to ignore my "bf' because he upset me so much..he is so tight...i drive all that way 80 miles each way and he cannot even allow me to use tp when i haver a heavy period and am sick. and he does not like me to use a lot of water, drink a lot of water, and he does not buy milk....

i have paid the entire grocery bill too. i really have. but i had to stop because i have fulltime school at the university and work fulltime too..he has a ba and masters degree and earns a lot. all my money goes on school, i was so broke at paying for school and car repairs that got into the thousands that during these last two months i have had the two tacos for $.99 from Jack in the Box for lunch each day. and that is gross after awhile and i did not complain to anyone....

i tried so hard with this boyfriend i would pay for coffee, dessert, food, groceries, disposable camara on our trip, etc. and i did not have the money at all...in fact i have used pay dad advances a lot, a real lot to act like i am normal and have basic things. it is so upsetting for me...

[msgorgeous]

I moved in with my boyfriend almost two years ago i moved from my home to live with him which was 3 hours away. By no means is he cheap he works hard pays his bills and i get whatever i want. he helps his family in time of need. I do not work he supports me he bought me a used car. But as nice as it isto get things allthe time wouldnt you want to be independent not having to depend on someone to take care of you.

[Jasmine205]

I have the same problem, my bf sponges off his mom and step dad, and I live on my own and pay all my own bills. Mind you, he only works 3 days a week and goes to uni still. But his job pays more than mine, but he still lets his mom buy all the food he wants and other things. I wish his mom would start charging him rent, because it's getting pathetic to me. He can buy himself expensive things, but never give over any rent to them?
I already put my foot down on "our" rules when we live together, he knows he's paying half, and buying his own stuff for himself and I will do the same.
I won't be footing his bill like mommy did.
He only treats me on bday and rare occasions! and I do spend more on him overall, but I do that with all the people I love so of course he's at the top of my list with my parents.

You just have to set firm ground rules and stick to them and come to an agreement on it all. And decide if how he is will be livable for you, and how much you really do love him.

[sweetpea03]

I broke up with my bf partially because he was so cheap. Sometimes he'd want me to pay for him too, since he was out of money and hadn't gotten his pay check. I didn't mind doing that every once in while, but there has to be a balance. It's great to be independent, but just make sure that this is what you want. He most likely will not change, so if you don't mind the small petty money issues he has, you can keep the relationship going, though in my opinion I wouldn't stay around.

[believeitthefirsttime]

I completely agree with "Hatesmommasboys" and others regarding this matter and, in particular, the gift-giving issue: for your birthday, your man should jump at the chance to let you know how special you are by going out of his way to do something wonderful for you and, yes, get you a gift he hopes will put a big smile on the face of his beautiful lady!! A man (not a boy) - a MAN looks forward to taking care of the people he cares about and is, in fact, motivated by the desire to do so. If he doesn't care about you, he should stop sleeping with you and have the basic decency to 'come clean' about his feelings so you can move on. In other words, he should man-up. Most women I know want to feel cherished by their bf or husband. Being 'nickeled and dimed' to death on every small purchase certainly does not make anyone feel cared for. I'm just going to say it....others may disagree, but I (and my friends) personally believe that most men put the same premium on sex that women put on thoughtfulness. If a man is not getting what is important to him, he's not going to hesitate to get out of the relationship. If you stopped showing your appreciation in the way that mattered to him, he  would not be asking himself (or strangers)  whether to leave you or not - not for ONE second! For the last month or so I've been seeing a man (or perhaps 'boy' is a more accurate term) whose cheapness has become increasingly evident - it's TACKY and a total turn-off. I am a 34-yr-old single woman living in LA where finding a straight, employed man (and he is both) is next to impossible. However....I can't help but resent his attitude, and I don't believe his cheapness is something I can deal with - when he decided I would pay for my lunch on our most recent afternoon together (when going out for lunch and the restaurant itself were both his idea, by the way), even the waiter looked stunned. It was embarrassing. When my date got up to use the men's room, the waiter made a point of coming over to say to me "My gf is a lawyer and, obviously makes more money than I do, but I would never ask her to pay for anything on a date - a real man (I'm just quoting him!) looks forward to doing something nice for his gf."  If your guy so much as bats an eyelash over an $8 McDonald's run or a $9 sandwich at a local lunch spot (referring to my own case) he is not a keeper. I'd rather be single than wish I were. Thank you to Broke 123 for your questions and to all the women who have responded.