Heartbroken and lost

[Utility]

I have been dating this girl for about 6 months (I am 32, she is 25). When we 1st met, it was love at 1st sight. She had a tough life growing up and got in lots of trouble but with the help of a very supportive family, she was able to get back on her feet. She moved in with me after 1 month and we were very happy. She disclosed all her troubled past and while I could see some remnants, she was really working hard to change and she repeatedly said it was all for me.
From day 1, her mom didn't like me and told her that if she was to move in with me, she wouldn't be welcomed back if we were to break up.
We got into a major argument (which was all her fault), she apologized but we couldnt resolve our differences so she moved out. She had no stable place to go since she couldn't go back to her mom's. 2 weeks later, we missed eachother and worked things out and she moved back in.
She became immediately a much better gf. She did everything to please me and she was just awesome. In return, I was a great bf and we were both ecstatic. She would often proudly say how she changed 4 me, how she never did that 4 any other man. Her mom would send me text messages saying that while she's content her daughter is happy, she doesnt understand what her daughter sees in me. Her mom and I engaged in countless arguments and called eachother names constantly.
Besides a few arguments here and there, everything was going great, we were getting along beautifully.
Until 1 day, I was using her phone when a guy texted her: "I'm serious", I read the conversation and initially he asked her "when can I tap that p... again" to which she replied "lol".
I was very angry and she was pleading with me and assuring me it was an old fling and that she would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I was so angry I started calling her very crude names and asked her to get the f.... out of my house. She begged but I wouldn't have it. She reluctantly got on craigslist and after 2 days, she found a room with a guy roomate. As she was readying to leave, we agreed to go have a drink for 1 last time and we somehow managed to save the relationship when I believed that she had no intention to see that guy.
Things started going well again until she read 1 of my private conversations on facebook with a girl I was trying to get with during our 1st breakup. She wasn't happy but I explained to her that we weren't together but I apologized nonetheless.
A week later, one of my exes, who was extremely manipulative and vile gets a hold of her number and starts secretively texting her. She was basically slandering me telling her how bad of a man I was, how I was going to hurt her and leave her... She was manipulating our relationship behind my back. My gf became extremely weary and revealed her secret talks with my ex. I was livid! I told her to stop talking to her and that her goal was to break us up and that if she continued, she would succeed. She said "ok, I will delete her # now!"
A few days later, as we were on our way to celebrate her birthday, i noticed her trying to hide an incoming text message and when I snatched the phone from her, I found out that she was in fact still engaging in long conversations with this girl trying to get as much info about me and even agreeing to go have a drink with her. Again, I got very angry and canceled dinner plans. She urged me to reconsider because that was her 1st birthday celebration in years but the night had already been ruined 4 me so we went home.
The following morning, she deleted my ex's # in front of me. I told her that it was extremely inappropriate and that if she does it again, I would have no choice but to breakup with her. She assured me she wouldnt.
It only took 1 week as she received a text from a different name while she was laying on my chest in bed. She immediately deleted the content, which again angered me (anger management is my biggest weakness). She again admitted that she was still in touch with my ex (she had just changed her name on the contact list) and that my ex was going thru problems and she was trying to be there 4 her not fully realizing that this girl was manipulating her. I told her that we were over and that she needed to leave. My immature side soared up again and I started calling her names. After a 6-hour shift at work, I came back to find out she was gone and took all her belongings including her heavy furniture. I wished her good luck by text message. We had a few back and forth texts and on new year's eve, I texted her wishing things went different and that I loved and missed her. She said the last thing she wanted was to lose me but that I made that decision. She texted me asking where I was celebrating and I said at a restaurant w a friend. She said her roommate (a guy that really likes her) and her mom were going to celebrate at a neighborhood bar. She asked if i wanted to see her that night cause this was supposed to be "our new year". I wasn't comfortable with that since she was with the guy.
Her mom calls me a few hours later (around 3AM) and proceeds to call me every name in the book, how I don't deserve her daughter, how I was a piece of s..., how her daughter is much better off without me, how she found a man that respects her and treats her great, was laughing at me 4 "pathetically" texting her daughter, cussed me out sum more and hung up.
At 4 AM, she texts me saying I miss u, love u very much and still want u back.
In the morning, I ask her if it was true that she immediately moved on with her roommate and she said "no way", that she wasn't ready 4 that and it would take a while b4 she starts seeing people and that he wasn't her type anyways.
Couple days later, I asked her out 4 dinner so we can sit and talk. She said "sorry, I can't handle seeing u and that we had a chance to talk but u were calling me names instead".
I then said "good luck and that I was done fighting 4 u" and wished her the best.
We haven't talked since (4 days ago) and I miss her very much. I am at that stage where I feel I want nothing else in life but her.
Sorry this was so long but based on our history, I wanna know if I should just move on or keep hoping we are getting back together.

[TTinKKerBBell]

How old did You say You are????!!

There's no such thing as "love at first sight".
Love is a CHOICE.
There IS attraction at first sight but LOVE grows and can ONLY do that in/with TIME.  Maybe less time for some, more time for others, but NOT at first sight.

That's precisely what's going on now.  You two are learning to know one another and it's from that You DECIDE if or if not it's love. You do not HAVE to love someone who is incompatible.  It IS a choice.
Good Luck

[LaDonnaF]

I agree with many other peoples' thoughts.

It seems there was a lot of tension and drama between the two of you during those 6 months. No doubt a lot of that was from her mother's dislike of you, her living with you and depending on you, and these invasions of privacy (on both of your parts and on the part of your ex girlfriend).

I think it would be a GREAT idea for you both to take time to work on yourselves... that could mean therapy or even just some deep thinking as to what you both want in your lives. If at the end of that you both want to continue the relationship then I think there will be a change. Also, I do not think it is a good idea to live together again for a while. 1 month into the relationship just seems too fast.

In terms of her speaking with your ex gf... maybe she doesn't have many friends? Also, it must be incredibly tempting to be able to learn about your bf through the eyes of his previous gf. However, it seems she may not be mature enough to realize when someone is manipulating her and I'm sure knowing your ex is bad-mouthing you to your current gf is scary.

Trust.... trust is tantamount to the success of a relationship. You both need to decide if you want this relationship and push everything to the past. Do not check eachother's phones and facebook and all of that. if there's no trust neither of you will be happy. Communicate... be honest. Also... it is ok to be alone. :-)

Good luck!

[Utility]

Thank you.

[Kayannaboo]

Thank you for clarifying and I actually came back to this post to address the point of it...the fact that you feel heartbroken and lost because of the termination of your relationship. I am sorry you feel this way and a break up no matter with whom is never a nice feeling, no matter how bad of a relationship one has when it is gone there is always something that is missed, even the fact that there ever was a relationship.

I must say however that it is for the best as you two would end up in a very bad place emotionally and things would have escalated tremendously. There comes a point when two people are just not supposed to be together anymore and its better to find this out now other than later down after holding on irrationally, the situation takes a disastrous turn.

Please take care.

[Londres70]

Will try to keep this short and concise.  

Hmmmm......this is that same girl doing the internet sexual stuff for money?

If this is "Love"  for you two then I would say you both have some serious issues and need to address them SEPARATELY and with THERAPY.

I wouldn't say you have any anger management issues; would suggest you really don't know how to say "enough is enough."

The relationship is totally toxic and you all bring out the WORST possible behavior in each other.  Plus, you all are involving other people in this mess.

This relationship is so damaged and broken; there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to salvage.  

Would recommend you get out of this and never return before this escalates to a level of physical violence or worse.  

[Utility]

Hi specialmom, I am not sure that internet sex would be the appropriate term although close, she did cam work online for a month to pay some bills but stopped because she felt it was degrading and didn't think a woman in a relationship should do that. She has now found a decent job thats been giving her more and more hours.
As to letting this relationship go, I think I agree with you.

[Utility]

Thanks to all for your replies. The main thing here was trust. She obviously didn't trust me, thus the urge she had to gather as much info as possible on me listening to my ex and my constant suspicions over her incoming text messages.
To answer some of your questions, yes she does work but only part time. As for her mother's dislike for me, it was from day 1 and likely due to our religious differences which weren't an issue between us at all.
Before her mom even saw me or talked to me, she told her not to go out with me. Looking back, I shouldn't have stooped to that level.
As for the messaging, I had already assured her that my facebook conversation was over and she said that she will do the same. I kept my promise yet she was unwilling to let go of that "friendship" with my ex.
Her mother helped her alot through life and was a pillar in her development and unfortunately, her meddling and unprovoked badmouthing me was an influence. She said many times how this is the 1st time she isnt listening to her mom because love trumps her mom's opinion.
Unfortunately for our relationship, the second we go thru a rough patch, she immediately calls and asks her mom 4 advice and obviously, we all know what type of advice she gets.
And kayanaboo, just to clarify, I wasn't a better bf because she pleased me, I was a better bf because she got so much better and gave me all the affection back that i  was giving her. In other words, she said she only realized how stupid she was to stir things up once we broke up and vowed to treat me better..
I realize I take some of the blame because of my behavior FOLLOWING her actions but i sincerely wish things went smoother.
Looks like if this perpetuate, it will only lead to more heartbreak and I have to close my eyes and move on.

[specialmom]

Hi again.  I knew there were some old posts that added more to your story and have moved it to the top for others to read and include in their information.  This girl is very troubled and has chosen ways to make money that include internet sex.  There are many things in her 'current' life that are questionable and you have been questioning them for a while yourself.  

I really feel it is in your best interest to let this relationship go.  good luck

[Kayannaboo]

This has been alot of information and alot of things came to my mind upon reading your post.

1.  You two moved in one month into the relationship and there was  plenty of drama. Usually when persond do not take enough time to get to know who they are involved with alot of troubles are stirred up as qualities that were not there during the preliminaries certainly come about during the finals.

2. Her mother is extremely meddlesome and in Jamaica we say "coomoging". She loves to stir up trouble, her daughter is grown and so sometimes we need to leave our children to make "grown up" decisions no matter how immature we deem them as being. However, its her child, grown or not grown do not forget that. She sniffed you out and did not like the scent. She did not believe that you were a good enough man for her daughter.

3. You are not the best you that you can be and that's me being very nice. You seem to be one of those people who wants everything your way and if it doesn't please you, you throw a fit. That's not fair. My mother always told me, "you are not special and so life will not hesitate to not go your way." She wasn't being mean per say she was just taking me back to the here and now, you can't have it your way. You stated "we had an argument (which was all her fault)" it takes two to make an ARGUMENT. Then you said she had no stable place to go....now after her mother told her she couldn't come back if she moved in with you, what did you expect her to do? where did you expect her to go? Then you said "she moved back in and she was a much better girlfriend....she did everything to please me... and so I was a better boyfriend" You were a better boyfriend because she pleased you. Hmmmm........ You need to see that you contributed to the downfall of the relationship by simply not being very nice. Sorry, everybody got to take responsibility for their actions here. You were also private messaging some chick and it all seemed so much!

4. Your girlfriend seems to be not in a good place emotionally. She seems very indecisive about alot of things. You stated that she has gone through some rough patches and this may be the result. It seems like she is looking for SOMETHING and can't find it. Her moving in with u so quickly...her having some other sending sexual text messages...moving on so fast...still texting you etc....its all so much.

5. Why would she be having a conversation with your old girlfriend in the first place? If someone called me to give me dirt on my bf I'd probably be like "blah blah whatever are we in grade school?" not only that but she had seemed to develope somewhat of a friendship with this girl. It wouldn't have gotten that far for me but it did for her, and so just because you told her to delete the number she didn't have to.

My advice: Get some anger management counseling and let this go because neither of you are in a good place right now and I cannot imagine this going around is healthy for either of you.

[Jaz1989]

When you love someone you never give up. Try and reconcile with her tell her you want to meet for coffee and talk things over say that your want to start this new year without conflict and disrespect and you want nothing more in the world then her and tell her the truth hide nothing and tell her that you were sorry for the crude words you had called her. But remember this a womans scron is the worst so you may be in for a earful but if the girl is worth it to you then DO IT. theres no manuel on LOVE

[specialmom]

Well, thanks for the detailed account of happenings with this girl.  It helps.

I can't help but think about the tremendous amount of drama the two of you have had in a short 6 months.  It strikes me as some things being huge and some being blown out of proportion.  

Red flags include that she really had no where to go and had to stay with you upon one of your break ups.  Does she work?  Is she trying to conduct her life in a way that allows her financial independence through career and schooling or is being 'helped' part of her qualifications for dating her?

The issues with her mother, red flag.  I can't imagine engaging in a name calling match with someone's mother.  That seems so odd to me.  I'd not have taken a second call if someone's mother was looking to tell me off or fight with me and I'd not have stooped to their level and fought back.  And why is she so against you?  What would cause that kind of animosity?

Red flag----  all of this stuff with the phones.  Secret texts, oh no, that was from an old relationship/fling (yourself included with that one).

And honestly, I don't get the contact with your old girlfriend.  I must say though---  if my now husband's ex started calling me to 'give me the dirt', it would be hard not to listen to.  I'd be curious to say the least.  But overall, this all sounds so immature, I can't tell you.  

You tell her to get out.  She gets out.  You want her back.  She comes back.  You tell her to get out again and then she goes on with life and you are hurt and can't live without her.  

I think you have a push pull pattern in relationships that you will need to address or else this is just an incredibly unstable and volatile relationship that you should disengage yourself from.  If you couldn't live without her, then you need to stop telling her to get out and work on your anger management issues.  Just my opinion on that.

Anyway, I"m sorry this has been so difficult.  I wish you luck in sorting it all out.  Maybe you can salvage it but both of you would have to work on your own 'stuff' to do that.  good luck