erotic transference/countertransference

[lectric]

i'm not sure if this is in the right area, but here i go:

i've been seeing the same male therapist off and on for almost 10 years. he's 60 and i'm 27. for the past year or so i've been experiancing EXTREME erotic transference. i'm very very sexually attracted to him and want to have a sexual encounter with him very badly. i've found him attractive from the first time i saw him so many years ago but the sexual feelings have really come to the surface recently. i understand my feelings about him, so my question is not to do with my transference. i understand it's normal and isn't a big deal.

however, my therapist seems to be displaying countertransference. when i discuss my transference with him he seems to become excited about the situation and almost encourages it. i explain to him that talking about my transference turns me on and i really get off on just having the conversation with him, and he seems to enjoy hearing about how sexually attracted i am to him.

i told him in my last session that there are lots of dangerous and thrilling things that i'm thinking that i want to tell him about. he said "what kind of dangerous things? are they exciting, mmm, i love dangerous things. ...tell me what you're thinking about." and he said this with a very coy smile. i told him that i'd have to take my time getting to the point of what i'm thinking and that i have to go slowly because some of the things i'm thinking are dangerous (i.e, offering oral sex or trying to get him to sleep with me). then he said, "why be logical, lets just get to the dangerous and exciting things right away, lets forget about those lines and jump to the last one." with the same sexy flirty smile.

- so, my question is this... is how he's acting towards me therapudic or is it out of line? does he sound like he's doing the right thing or does he sound like he's getting off sexually on how much i get off sexually on him? is his behaviour normal when dealing with a patient with transference?

i also want to add, and i hope it doesn't sound bad, that i'm attractive. i've been told that i'm a very sexy woman by many men and so it's possible that he's actually physically attracted to me.

[megochick101]

IMO, If you are both attracted to each other, you should seek a relationship OUTSIDE of therapy. If you do seek a relationship with him outside therapy then you definitely should seek a NEW therapist.  

[Boogie8481]

So you are basically paying him to turn you on????  If that's what you want, go for it, but I think you should stop seeing him as a patient, and start going out with him at least, that way you aren't basically paying for erotic pleasure.  You guys can even pretend you are in therapy if thats what turns you both on.  And I agree with KATE535 about him not helping you.  What was the reason you saw him in the first place?  Have you overcome that?

[lectric]

thank you for the comment.

i agree that part of the relaxed flirtyness could be from the fact that we've known each other so long.

at this point i'm not too interested in the theraputic aspect of our relationship. i'm only really interested in the sexual aspect.

[KATE535]

I read up a little on some stuff about erotic transference after reading your post and found, from this in my opinion, it is Wrong for your therapist to be responding to your sexual comments in a different way other than professionally or to help you overcome them professionally. Now being your therapist for 10 years may mean you both have developed a friendlier, less professionally-based relationship, with eachother - this isn't too wrong if you see eachother more socially as 'friends' but bear in mind it will hardly mean actual 'therapy' is taking place or going to take effect. It's one thing talking to a friend and a another thing talking to an impartial objective professional with a set of targets for your recovery. Indeed your therapy will be disrupted by both of you having different intentions with eachother than the professional outcome would intend.

[lectric]

thank you for your comment Boogie8481.

i understand your recomendation of getting a new therapist, but i won't be doing that. in all honesty, the answer that you gave is the answer that i wanted to hear. i enjoy getting turned on by him and it makes it better for me if i'm actually turning him on as well. i know that this is not really a good thing to do therapudicaly, but i'm ok with that.

does anyone else have an opinion? does anyone agree with Boogie8481?

[Boogie8481]

Hello, I think since you are attractive he is being unprofessional.  Any professional would try to get you help you deal with your feelings differently.  It sounds like he is definitely attracted to you and is getting sexually aroused by what you are saying.  I would change therapists if I were you.  He is supposed to be helping you not hindering you. How is him giving into your transference helpful to you????  I doubt very much that this is theraputic for you as much as it is for him. You are young and attractive, so of course if he is into you he will want you to explore your feelings and share them with him and of course he will be excited to know that some hot babe is wants to give him pleasure.  I don't know what man would turn that down.  But still, there is no professionalism in what he is doing.