help!

[whattodo435]

Ok, I have really screwed up and I am sure you guys will crucify me which is fair enough but I woudl like some thoughts.

I was dating a guy for 3 years but due to his messy break up with his ex I decided that it would work better to keep our relationship a secret until she had found a new partner and was happy again. This however, basically gave him an excuse to cheat and he was effetively living a secret life.

We had sent some stupid texts while he remained with his ex and although they had agreed to split they were still living together and clearly they were stupid and caused her pain so I completely deserve the angst I am suffering knowing that I completely wasted my time and saw loads of friends marry and move their lives on while I waited on a cheater basically.

When he was found out as a cheat by us both he decided I could never forgive him and he has been working on things with her. I have been told so many lies by both him and her it seems.

I want the best for him and cheatign on me has made him happy and I guess you have to look after number one or else no-one else will. I am not bitter towards him and hope he is really happy.

My issue is that thinking about another relationship opens up all the old wounds - i wouldnt be able to say anything to him about my past and I am sure that I will be super paranoid which will drive him away for sure. And I guess I will always be wondering if he is truly happy or looking to trade me in for a better model.

My issue is that everything I read says surround yourself with friends, talk to people, get it off your chest etc but the only person I can talk to is him (and I am not in a position to confide in anyone else). I want the best for him and dont want a relationship with him again so it is not awkward in that sense but probably not that healing although I do feel better after speaking to someone about, getting upset, frustrated and trying to understand why.

Any idea please

[specialmom]

I agree that the time it takes is different for everyone.  I think the busier you get with life, the faster time will go.  Those loads of friends you have, call them and start going and doing things you enjoy.  You do not have to talk about what is happened.  I sense that you feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed.  I'm guessing far more women have wound up in your position than you think.  Some are actually married and find out their spouse has lied to them and was cheating.  So you were in a relationship with a liar that cheated.  No different.  

But you don't have to get into details.  Just tell them you were in a relationship that went bad and you don't want to talk about it and start putting some distance between yourself and this relationship.

As to talking to someone, I'm thinking a therapist.  Therapists can help you sort out your feelings.  They guide you through and listen without any judgement.  They are on your side.  I am glad you  are happy for his happiness . . . but the guy is a jerk.  And I'd like for you to be able to say that and mean it someday!  Who cares if he is happy?  He's a jerk and probably get what he gives someday, in my opinion.  I'm not telling you to hold onto anger but I think it would be good to acknowledge it a little.

So is therapy an option for you?

[whattodo435]

I dont think so - I hate that sort of thing and at the end of the day they cant turn back the clock anymore than I can. He did call me last night and said how happy he and his partner are which is great - he knows that I am really happy for them. I did tell him I wish I hated him but I just dont.

[whattodo435]

as a voice of reason, is it really possible for them to be so happy after what he did to her? he says they get on great and it is all going perfectly and that he is very lucky. he is not saying that to be hurtful i am sure, but i cant believe they never discuss it and she never mentions it.

[mami1323]

What is it going to take for you to get mad at him? He cheated on you and lied to you for 3 years. He dumps you and says he wants to make it work with her. Then he calls you to gloat about how happy they are. Why do you still talk to him or answer his calls? He is unbelievably insensitive and cruel. You are defending him and saying you are happy for them, do you see nothing wrong with this picture? Where is your self worth? You should be saying f-ck him, he's a jerk! He used me, hurt me, emotionally abused me and I'm done. Change your phone number and start over fresh.

[specialmom]

Think of it this way.  That relationship had enough issues that they broke up and he was with you as well during it.  How happy could they be?  Not very.  I would NOT take phone calls from this guy.  Ever.  Be strong here.  You don't need that contact.  Is a therapist an option?  I think it would help because I sense something is a bit amiss with your reaction to all this.  I know you say I don't think therapy is an option but I am wondering why.  You are very wrapped up in a past hurtful relationship and unable to move forward it seems.  Perhaps a professional can get you over the hump.  There is a better man out there for you but you need to let this past relationship go and move on.  Instead of being happy for them, be happy for yourself and your future.  It will be so much better than this.  good luck

[imanaddict]

I agree with the other ladies, especially the last 2 posts. I'll just be blunt here..you need to stop communicating with him and start relying on your friends for support, not the one that double crossed you. What exactly do you get out of the conversations you have with him to ease your pain? All he talks about is how crazy happy he is with his girlfriend, so how does that make you happy?