help!

[whattodo435]

Ok, I have really screwed up and I am sure you guys will crucify me which is fair enough but I woudl like some thoughts.

I was dating a guy for 3 years but due to his messy break up with his ex I decided that it would work better to keep our relationship a secret until she had found a new partner and was happy again. This however, basically gave him an excuse to cheat and he was effetively living a secret life.

We had sent some stupid texts while he remained with his ex and although they had agreed to split they were still living together and clearly they were stupid and caused her pain so I completely deserve the angst I am suffering knowing that I completely wasted my time and saw loads of friends marry and move their lives on while I waited on a cheater basically.

When he was found out as a cheat by us both he decided I could never forgive him and he has been working on things with her. I have been told so many lies by both him and her it seems.

I want the best for him and cheatign on me has made him happy and I guess you have to look after number one or else no-one else will. I am not bitter towards him and hope he is really happy.

My issue is that thinking about another relationship opens up all the old wounds - i wouldnt be able to say anything to him about my past and I am sure that I will be super paranoid which will drive him away for sure. And I guess I will always be wondering if he is truly happy or looking to trade me in for a better model.

My issue is that everything I read says surround yourself with friends, talk to people, get it off your chest etc but the only person I can talk to is him (and I am not in a position to confide in anyone else). I want the best for him and dont want a relationship with him again so it is not awkward in that sense but probably not that healing although I do feel better after speaking to someone about, getting upset, frustrated and trying to understand why.

Any idea please

[imanaddict]

I am a huge believer because I have been there and I came out on the other side so I know it can/will be behind you one day. I know you are hurting and the future may not look so bright right now but it WILL get better and you will be a stronger person for overcoming so much pain. He will pay for his wrongdoings (hence his cross to bear) when Karma rears it's head toward him.

I, too, think a therapist would help you tremendously. No, he/she can't turn back the clock but he/she can help you sort your feelings out and can help you come to terms with the pain so you can overcome it.

[specialmom]

What you feel seems more complicated because he was a man with a relationship going on as the same time he was seeing you.  But in reality---------  this is a break up.  You'd feel the same if he had told you he just didn't see a future with you and wanted to be free to look for someone he could have a future with.  You are hurt and trying to deal with it.  I've been hurt and everyone has been hurt here.  Rejection is very hard to deal with.  All of the other stuff adds layers on top of it, but it is the same emotion.  

Therapy helps in two regards.  No---------  it won't change your past.  But it will help to talk about it and how you ended up in this situation.  He was somewhat unavailable as he would have to be to have two relationships at once--------  he was dividing his time.  Why was that enough for you?  That might be something to look at.  A therapist is also a safe place to vent all of the hurt, guilt, embarrassment, pain, anger, humiliation, etc. that you feel.  And the added bonus is that their life's work is talking to people with such issues and they have the insight that would provide.  They might have ideas for you that you would never think of because you only see it from one perspective, your own.  

If you don't want to see a therapist, then I think you will have to deal with this like any other break up.  Start to believe he was a bit of a jerk and even if he wasn't, that it was a flawed relationship.  Then start to fill your life with other things.  Then start to move past it.  Then eventually find another person that you can have the relationship you want with.  And all of this is separate from "him" and "them".  He's out of your life-------  and from the outside looking in, I'd wish a better man for you.  A man of better character that loves you completely and only you.  But you need to start wanting better for yourself for that to ever happen.  good luck

[mami1323]

How happy could she be finding out the man she loved and thought loved her was having another relationship behind her back for 3 years?  I don't care if you are chosen or rejected, you still have to deal with that pain.  I don't go around thinking oh I'm so happy, I go around thinking how could he do that to me?  I go around wondering if he will do it again.  I go around wondering if I will ever trust him again.  I wonder if I will ever love him the way I used to.  You may not understand that because we are still together but I still struggle with the insecurities he's left me and struggle with finding happiness together.  You will never know what is really going on inside someone's relationship.  Which is why you shouldn't be focusing on them but on yourself.  And we always make mistakes, perhaps yours was allowing him to keep silent about your relationship.  Maybe next time you won't let someone control a situation like that.  How about allowing him to contact you afterward and not telling him exactly where to stick it?  There are always ways we can work on ourselves.  No one is perfect.  But if you feel that you don't need therapy, than so be it.  There is nothing wrong with it at all.  

[whattodo435]

I am not sure that I made any mistakes - only trusting a liar who was very very good at it so how can they help me? I think the issue will remain that he has behaved in a way that has made him happy and it is hard to know that I was so irrelevant to him that I am out of his life and he will have felt not a single negative consequence. He only made a choice as he was found out - he has said that had I not found out he would probably still be seeing us both and that had I found out on anothe day he could have chosen me (I know that he doesnt sound like a great catch but is great fun to be with, appears caring, interested...). His friends do know her and she woudl have totally humiliated him at work where he is really successful had he chosen me but that is also the point. Lie to me, cheat on me and not even lose the respect of his friends, family and colleagues. And also, if he was happy then why waste time chasing anothe woman. I think that your situation seems tough but I think that I could've coped better if I wasnt dealing with infidelity and rejection at teh same time that it was finally goign to be our time after keeping things quiet as his ex is now blissfully happy with a millionaire that treats her amazingly well.

[mami1323]

We are because every single one of us have been hurt in our pasts and we have survived and moved on.  So that's why we say it will be ok.  The reason why we suggested therapy is not so the hurt will go away because therapists aren't miracle workers in that sense but what they can do is give you an outlet so that instead of talking to him about how you feel, you can talk to someone who can assess the situation and give sound advice and skills so that you won't repeat the same mistakes you did here.  And frankly, I don't think him cheating or choosing her has anything to do with you not being able to make him happy.  I don't think that is what propelled him to do what he did.  I think he saw an opportunity and ran with it.  Once it got too complicated, he made a choice.  I do not know why he chose her, maybe he has more history with her, maybe all his friends and family knew her.  It had nothing to do with you as a person.  A therapist can also help you to recognize this.  It is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel now but it will be there, once you stop thinking about how he's doing and focus on how your doing, it will get there even quicker.

[whattodo435]

Well the weekend has been and gone and it was OK but I dont agree that it is his cross to bear not mine. His life proceeds unaffected, without the lies, whereas mine has been thrown into total turmoil. He is not the one that has to come to terms with rejections, cheating, betrayl, knowing he spent his weekends having fun while I muddled through waiting for him to get his act together, lies, come to terms that he holidayed with her (when clearly he had a choice), that I was clearly doing something wrong and not making him happy, the list is endless.....it takes a poeple a lot of time to recover from one of the above let alone all of them combined. Life will go on, and it will never be quite the same as it was before but that is something that in time I hope to come to terms with. I dont think therapy will help as they cant turn back the clock anymore than I can. They cant change the facts which are what hurt, not my interprepation of the situation or the way I am interpreting my relationship/life etc. Although you guys all seem to be believers I dont understand why??