Aa
how do I convince my husband.please give your suggestions
HI friends!I'm new o this forum.Actually I have a huge problem in my life which I want to share with you.
I got married one n half years back.WE were in love and the marriage took place after the consent of both the families.Before marriage my husband never told me he has so many problems in his house .I come from a modern nuclear family and now I live in a joint family who are very very orthodox. I stay with my husband, MIL,BIL ,BIL’s 5 year old son ,aunt in law, uncle in law ,and my MIL’s unmarried sister .Before marriage my husband never told me that she will (MIL’s sister)also stay with us. My MIL has insulted me,badmouthed me and made me cry right from day 1 of my marriage.My BIL has some mental problem and acts very insanely. This also was not revealed to me before marriage. Eg-he goes around the house in his underwear even when we are there, he pisses by keeping the toilets door open even when we or guests are around and my MIL supports him in all this...he also takes drugs which his family members knowingly ignore.My MIL’s sis is also a *****. She behaves like this is her house and I am a guest. My MIL gives her full support in all this.She gives her all the money and responsibilities of the house and does not even let me see what they do .My MIL is an uncultured uncivilized and unsocial and a very selfish woman...she is a very cunning lady.. She is very good to me in front of my husband but otherwise she is always insulting and cursing me.She has not liked me from day 1. She also never wanted her son to get married . She keeps on commenting on my looks, my hair etc and keeps on comparing me with others .She does not let me touch anything in the house or in the kitchen. ...whole day I'm confined to my own room all alone .My parents call her but she never calls them and at times she doesn’t even take the calls.They don't let me eat good,cook anything of my choice,do anything which I like doing,wear clothes which I like.They don't even let me go anywhere or meet anybody.Because of all this I'm into chronic depression and also on medication but my husband does not believe me because he thinks that I say all this just to show that his family is bad.He has stopped caring for my happiness .
Before marriage my husband said his mom is a very nice lady and has very modern thoughts. I can wear anything I like and she will not have any objection but after marriage I am not allowed to wear clothes of my choice. I met her a few times before my marriage but then I could not understand how she is in real because then she pretended to be good.Now i feel cheated and my life has spoiled.
Though this is a joint family there is no love among them. My MIL hates my aunt and her children and cannot see anything good happening in their lives and my aunt hates my MIL and us too but still they fake love and stay together .May be b’coz nobody wants to leave their share in the ancestral house . Nobody in the house talks to me.They only taunt me all the time. They never ask for my opinion regarding anything and always keep on taking money from my husband and take all decisions al by themselves.My husband also keeps on giving money to my MIL without telling me.
My DH goes to office at 9 AM and comes back by 11.30 PM -12 as our house is too far from his office. I am just not being able to stay here .whole day I’m alone in my room ..I don’t have freedom to do anything or go anywhere. I I’m not being able to adjust with them. I have told my husband a few times that let us shift to the house which is near your office (we own a flat near his office)and we can come over in the weekends. This way I will also be happy as I will also have my freedom. I have tried to explain that the negative environment in the house is taking a toll in me and I’m going into depression. I even said that you can support the family the way you are ... but neither my condition nor my words could convince him. My husband is a good person and loves me but whenever I ask him to shift to some other place he becomes totally indifferent to me and my feelings. He does not understand that my health and our relationship is suffering here. I ‘m just not happy and am going into depression with every passing day.
I'm also trying very hard to get a job since last one year but I have not got any .Every things looks bleak.I feel as if I am trapped and can't find a way in which I can get some peace of mind.I'm going into depression and there is nobody to care for me.
Please friends tell me how do I convince my husband without hurting his male ego and make him understand my situation and leave this house .Please guide me.
I got married one n half years back.WE were in love and the marriage took place after the consent of both the families.Before marriage my husband never told me he has so many problems in his house .I come from a modern nuclear family and now I live in a joint family who are very very orthodox. I stay with my husband, MIL,BIL ,BIL’s 5 year old son ,aunt in law, uncle in law ,and my MIL’s unmarried sister .Before marriage my husband never told me that she will (MIL’s sister)also stay with us. My MIL has insulted me,badmouthed me and made me cry right from day 1 of my marriage.My BIL has some mental problem and acts very insanely. This also was not revealed to me before marriage. Eg-he goes around the house in his underwear even when we are there, he pisses by keeping the toilets door open even when we or guests are around and my MIL supports him in all this...he also takes drugs which his family members knowingly ignore.My MIL’s sis is also a *****. She behaves like this is her house and I am a guest. My MIL gives her full support in all this.She gives her all the money and responsibilities of the house and does not even let me see what they do .My MIL is an uncultured uncivilized and unsocial and a very selfish woman...she is a very cunning lady.. She is very good to me in front of my husband but otherwise she is always insulting and cursing me.She has not liked me from day 1. She also never wanted her son to get married . She keeps on commenting on my looks, my hair etc and keeps on comparing me with others .She does not let me touch anything in the house or in the kitchen. ...whole day I'm confined to my own room all alone .My parents call her but she never calls them and at times she doesn’t even take the calls.They don't let me eat good,cook anything of my choice,do anything which I like doing,wear clothes which I like.They don't even let me go anywhere or meet anybody.Because of all this I'm into chronic depression and also on medication but my husband does not believe me because he thinks that I say all this just to show that his family is bad.He has stopped caring for my happiness .
Before marriage my husband said his mom is a very nice lady and has very modern thoughts. I can wear anything I like and she will not have any objection but after marriage I am not allowed to wear clothes of my choice. I met her a few times before my marriage but then I could not understand how she is in real because then she pretended to be good.Now i feel cheated and my life has spoiled.
Though this is a joint family there is no love among them. My MIL hates my aunt and her children and cannot see anything good happening in their lives and my aunt hates my MIL and us too but still they fake love and stay together .May be b’coz nobody wants to leave their share in the ancestral house . Nobody in the house talks to me.They only taunt me all the time. They never ask for my opinion regarding anything and always keep on taking money from my husband and take all decisions al by themselves.My husband also keeps on giving money to my MIL without telling me.
My DH goes to office at 9 AM and comes back by 11.30 PM -12 as our house is too far from his office. I am just not being able to stay here .whole day I’m alone in my room ..I don’t have freedom to do anything or go anywhere. I I’m not being able to adjust with them. I have told my husband a few times that let us shift to the house which is near your office (we own a flat near his office)and we can come over in the weekends. This way I will also be happy as I will also have my freedom. I have tried to explain that the negative environment in the house is taking a toll in me and I’m going into depression. I even said that you can support the family the way you are ... but neither my condition nor my words could convince him. My husband is a good person and loves me but whenever I ask him to shift to some other place he becomes totally indifferent to me and my feelings. He does not understand that my health and our relationship is suffering here. I ‘m just not happy and am going into depression with every passing day.
I'm also trying very hard to get a job since last one year but I have not got any .Every things looks bleak.I feel as if I am trapped and can't find a way in which I can get some peace of mind.I'm going into depression and there is nobody to care for me.
Please friends tell me how do I convince my husband without hurting his male ego and make him understand my situation and leave this house .Please guide me.
COMMUNITY LEADER
You are so right. Emotional abuse is very damaging and horrible but since people can't see it on the outside, someone can choose not to believe you like your husband.
I think you were wise to go back to your parents. And I think you should stay there for a good chunk of time. Perhaps your husband will take seriously the boundary that you've set that you will not live with his family any longer.
But be prepared to make a decision if he does not choose to move away from them. Do you have any ability to support yourself? Could you live on your own? Is divorce something that happens in your culture and would you go to that end?
it sounds really hard. I AM proud of you for standing up for yourself and leaving. That's hard to do and it shows you have a healthy thinking. Never blame yourself for what happened. good luck and let us know how this goes. peace
I think you were wise to go back to your parents. And I think you should stay there for a good chunk of time. Perhaps your husband will take seriously the boundary that you've set that you will not live with his family any longer.
But be prepared to make a decision if he does not choose to move away from them. Do you have any ability to support yourself? Could you live on your own? Is divorce something that happens in your culture and would you go to that end?
it sounds really hard. I AM proud of you for standing up for yourself and leaving. That's hard to do and it shows you have a healthy thinking. Never blame yourself for what happened. good luck and let us know how this goes. peace
yes this is what I have done now...I 'm at my parents place for the last two weeks... He used to call me everyday and talk to me very casually..as f nothing has happened...A few days back I started the topic and asked him what is he thinking and he started fighting with me...
I can't say everything to my parents as they they already have some problems and now if I say this they will be heartbroken... They are old and sta alone... I don't know my staying away is affecting my husband or not... I am not even sure how long should I stay here... just can't see a way in which I can make my life a little better.
I can't say everything to my parents as they they already have some problems and now if I say this they will be heartbroken... They are old and sta alone... I don't know my staying away is affecting my husband or not... I am not even sure how long should I stay here... just can't see a way in which I can make my life a little better.
There have been a lot many times when I have felt saying so but I don't because this is what his family wants... If I leave they will corrupt my husbands mind and make the situation worse...There is nothing wrong in the house as I go there time to time to clean it,pay electricity bills etc....
don't know what can convince him
don't know what can convince him
yes this is what I exactly did... I have tried to convince him by saying if we stay there it will be lot better for us as well as his family and this way we can respect each other instead of hating n fighting... but he didn't take my idea seriously... there have been a few times when the situation became so worse that I told my husband what they do with me and that I can't live with such people who are so selfish and mean but my husband only sympathizes me,says he understands me but never takes a decision...
I think he thinks I hate his family and don't want to stay here that's why I exaggerate things and tell him... you know the saddest part is if people torture you physically then at least you can show it and people believe you... but when you are tortured mentally there is no way in which you can prove it.
i'm feeling so helpless... don't know what can convince him.
I think he thinks I hate his family and don't want to stay here that's why I exaggerate things and tell him... you know the saddest part is if people torture you physically then at least you can show it and people believe you... but when you are tortured mentally there is no way in which you can prove it.
i'm feeling so helpless... don't know what can convince him.
Wow, I would reach out to your parents and go and stay with them. Honestly sometimes, when something is bad. The only way to get people to realize how serious you are. Is to make the first move to better YOUR life. Your husband should trust you, he should want your happiness and that is a LOT of people in one house. At the same time, your husband, is supporting his mother and if he can't see how unhappy you are and realize that you are his new family and this marriage was meant as a joining not a okay you can be mine and suffer ..... perhaps it's not going to work out that well.
BUT I would say reach out to your family. They should be there for you in your time of need.
BUT I would say reach out to your family. They should be there for you in your time of need.
What would happen if you just said, I can't live with your family anymore and I'm moving into the flat we own near your office. Period. What would happen if you did that? Because unless he is hiding something about that other place that you guys own, there is no logical reason why you shouldn't be living there instead of crowded in with twenty other people. You have a right to be happy and not feel like a stranger in your own home. You really need to make him understand this. He is being selfish and unfair to force you to live in that looney bin with his crazy family.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Gosh, this is a rough situation. I know that I couldn't handle it at all! I would find it better to be without the husband and on my own than living like this. But I'm from a culture of independent women that a home such as this is not the norm in any way.
That he is gone 12 hours a day is incredible. Surely he hates that too. Perhaps you could go from the angle that you would like the two of you to move closer to his job so you can see him and be with him more. Talk to him privately about it and ask him to not share this with his family (or they will then treat you even worse).
If that doesn't work, you have to go ahead and risk upsetting him by being honest with how unhappy you are.
Would you be willing to leave him? Is that an option?? Not that I'm suggesting that you should but just in case he resists any change (that MUST happen for your sanity).
Can you get a job outside the home??
That he is gone 12 hours a day is incredible. Surely he hates that too. Perhaps you could go from the angle that you would like the two of you to move closer to his job so you can see him and be with him more. Talk to him privately about it and ask him to not share this with his family (or they will then treat you even worse).
If that doesn't work, you have to go ahead and risk upsetting him by being honest with how unhappy you are.
Would you be willing to leave him? Is that an option?? Not that I'm suggesting that you should but just in case he resists any change (that MUST happen for your sanity).
Can you get a job outside the home??
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