how to deal with a midlife crisis in my husband

[vanster1]

my husbands characteristic is not himself, his family member is goin through a divorce. six months ago i was weary of his coworker who was also goin through relationship issues when confronting him he said i didnt trust him and ive changed him. Ever since both instances he has nit picked our 17 yr relationship, says he only sees me as a friend, doesnt have "those" feelings for me treats me like im a stranger. He has withdrawn from friends, hates his job, but says things without a end result or conclusion. state of confusion. Ive read symptoms of MLC and its him to the exact T. He says he wants a divorce and its hard to be in the same house as me but cant take care of our dog. Im giving him space and moving out but i would like to know should i contact him when i move out occassionslly or just wait until he does. its such a grey area im just afraid of out of sight and out of mind. I want him to get past this and maybe wake up to see what we have is my only hope

[specialmom]

I do think --  personal opinion and personal experience --  that many go a little nuts at the midlife point.  They often feel they want out and it is more a matter of regret in life than reality of the relationship.  I don't have a lot of empathy for men or women that break up their homes because of that.  It's difficult for us all to admit that we are on the other side of midlife.  We desperately want to prolong that (some of us anyway).  But negative consequences of ending a relationship/marriage are unfortunate and often regretted.  

I would give him some space and see if he comes out of it.  I'd also consider talking to him as a friend about depression.  He may need help.  

I also witnessed someone have a text book mid life crisis.  They don't often confide in their loved ones as they want NEW--- to forget they are getting old.  LOL  This person went back to their spouse after two years of being 'free'.  I don't know if that wll be the case for you and him or not.  I'm not sure after witnessing the pathetic demise of someone in a midlife criss if you'd ever feel the same about HIM to want him back.  

Anyway, I'll be thinking about you my dear.  I wish you peace and healing.  hugs

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm reading your comments again and feel you are hearing him say he wants to leave, but translating this in your mind to he is having a temporary issue related to midlife crisis.  In short, for your own reasons, refusing to believe he means it.  If he has gotten this far, sweetheart, he probably means it.  I say this because men go through midlife crises all the time without leaving their wives.  Often they talk to their wives about what they are going through and feel better for doing so, and even get their wives' active support to change their lives in very big ways, like change careers or go back to school, just because their present life bothers them so much.  The fact that he didn't do this (unless he tried but you blew it off) suggests to me that he is really on the way out for good.  Otherwise you would have been the first person to whom he talked about his problems, and some might have been solved.

This might mean he found a sympathetic audience elsewhere and that made him feel brave enough to leave the status quo.  But it still means to me that the status quo was not protective enough of his worries and feelings to take care of him before he ever needed to find an audience elsewhere.  If a husband has worries or angst, and tells his wife, some wives find this so threatening to their family or financial security that they react not quite in a hostile way but in a way that feels unsympathetic to the husband.  I am not saying you did this, but if something like that happened, it would be consistent with the same woman later saying "I think he is going through a phase and hope soon he will come back and all will be as it was before."  

In short, please don't kid yourself.  If you two are living separately, without a lot of change in BOTH of you, he probably is gone for good.  I'm sorry.

[AnnieBrooke]

Why do you have to move out if he is the one who wants out?  Is where you live not desirable?  I'd let him move out and live in a rented room somewhere and cook on a hot plate before I'd move out, if my husband were leaving me.

[Nighthawk61]

I will continue to keep your situation in my heart and hope that he will be able to see through his temporary narcissists, tendencies, The fact is that we're all going to end up wizened with grey or white hair. There are those that aren't able to see the value in celebrating longevity in a relationship as a rule. It's a shame. Age has crept up beside me now when i look into the mirror, but beside me i see a guy that still sees me in my youth, to him I feel that i'm always in my prime. It's one of those things in life that  are priceless. Still, you must think of yourself and carry on. There are many men that are capable of seeing the true beauty that comes with age, and it is my hope that you are able to socialize and come out of this with a partner who doesn't have the wanderlust ... There is a man out there that holds the same values as yourself, you didn't think that you would have to consider looking at other men for a possible partnership, but it seems you may. PLEASE carry me with you in your ear. Have fun it is worth the effort to meet someone new. I always feel that there is a certain divine intervention associated with new relationships, and i think the angels will walk beside you on your journey forward. Perhaps a good time to join a women's group at the YWCA, maybe at the pool, an art club of sorts...?

[vanster1]

Thanks so much. I'm still in shock and couldn't believe this would ever happen but all i could ask of all friends, family, and church is to keep praying for us.I didn't realize this yr esp allot of people including close friends are going through what I am. Its definately great support to know im not alone and can use all the help and guidance through this.  It is hard because i valued our relationship and when we were in counseling his values were different from what i knew and what we've talked about previously. I hope and pray that he will miss what we have and the little things i've done for him one day. I will definately keep everyone posted, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers :)

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry to hear that you're missing your guy and confused about why this would be happening now after so many years together. So frustrating when you've put you're all into a relationship and it seems that the sacrifices have been taken for granted. I too hope that he misses all you do and all of who you are. You're in my thoughts and prayers Vanster1. Hope to hear some good news for you, and hope you keep us updated how you're doing.

[vanster1]

Thank you so much for responding. Its been especially tough these past few weeks especially since it was his birthday this past Friday. I'm trying to concentrate on myself and being there for him only when he contacts me since he use to say I was pressuring him but I wasn't in any shape or form. Originally i was thinking could it be someone else but I truly dont think it is. His actions are more depressed and going out with his guy friends isnt appealing to him. He's extremely upset how he is treated at work even though he got a huge promotion,but even that isn't satisfying him. He's been running afterwork and eating healthier ,but i noticed when we were still in the working through it stage he took a selfie. Which is def not in his character so looks and shopping are on the list too. I agree, there is something going on esp this yr for married couples or relationship issues.  About 4 of our mutual friends also split after long term marriage including his sister and her husband. His sisters husband is also in a midlife crisis and has someone new but disregards his daughter and is into looking good. Sometimes I feel like my husband is feeding off her emotions too because that is when our working on it phase started plummeting every time he would visit her. So far the two relationships the significant others came back after a few months. Im still hoping and praying he gets out of this and realizes what we have or to improve what we did have in our relationship. I will do that not contact him unless he contacts me. I was always on the fence because what if he forgets about me but the majority of searches i've found is that space is good and theres nothing you can do but let them figure themselves out fully which is extremely hard. I've never imagined this would happen , lives curve balls are complicated sometimes.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Welcome to the Relationships forum!  Wow, hard situation hon.  Sorry you are going through this.  Midlife Crisis---  I do believe in it.  However, I think it can happen at varying ages for people.  It's got to be pretty natural and normal at some point to re evaluate your life and sometimes it can be done with a bit of melancholy.  Wake up and think ---  this is NOT what I pictured.  And then make changes to change it.  Sometimes the changes are drastic.  Often, I really do believe, if someone would whether out the storm of these emotions, they will begin to see value in the life they've had.  But it's hard to convince someone that this might be the case.  And super hard to live with someone questioning their love you.  I'm sorry that this is the situation now.  You've been together 17 years.  I'm right up there myself in terms of marriage and more for how long total we've been together.  Hard to think of walking away from all of that history.

Hard question--  do you think he has a woman on the side?  I hope not, but it happens.  Around me right now, there are three long term couples that are splitting up.  It's always a little shocking when you get I the high teens for marriage or 20's in terms of years together.  But it seems like a time in which many will make this break if it is going to happen.

I wouldn't contact him.  You could tell him that you don't understand nor do you feel the way he does.  That you'd like to sort it out.  Would like to be together but you will give him his space.

That's all you can do.  Otherwise, he associates you with being upset that you will not give him space.  Let him see life without you.  This CAN bring people back.  good luck and again, so very sorry.  Big hugs