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how to handel

So me an my be have been together for 3 yrs. I'm 4 1/2 months pregnant. He broke up with me about a week ago cause he said that he doesn't feel the same way about me. So I told him that I would pack and move out and get an abortion the next week. He calls me on the day of me appt to tell me more to do the abortion until we talked. I agreed. He gets home and says that he didn't mean it and asked is I was willing to work it out. I relucklenty agreed and say we had to go to counseling. He agrees. The same night I go through his phone and found that he was talking to another girl and that he was getting feelings for her. She was sending sexy pics and talks of sex and dates. I asked him if he wanted to be with someone else or if he was talking to anyone else and he lied and said no. To make matters worse the girl knows that we are in a serious relationship and says she doesn't want to be a home wrecker. There are a few times in the convo that she asked about me. I want to tell him that I know he's lying. My friend says wait til the date and take it from there. My aunt says let him know I know. I'm so confused on how to handel this situation. I want to do both. I want to confront the both of them together. How do I hamdel this situation? Its driving me crazy and stressing me out.
7 Responses
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there.  Well, very very sorry this is going on and especially when you are expecting a baby.  You are 4 1/2 month pregnant and with a guy who chooses NOW to become unfaithful and be unsure about the relationship.  Pretty bad timing on his part.  geez.  I think that you need to do two things.  Yes, tell him you know.  And second, think about what YOU want to do.  It's probably too late for an abortion sweetie at your stage of pregnancy so think in terms of raising the baby as a single mom or adoption.  I say this because this certainly isn't a good sign that he will be there for you and the baby if he is cheating and breaks up with you and then gets back together---  perhaps just to stop an abortion (not sure how you were getting that at 4 months, do they do abortions up to 16 weeks in your area?).  

I think you tell him you know and begin making plans for your life and what you want to have happen with your baby.  THAT (the baby) is your main focus from now on.  peace
Avatar universal
Well now he knows we discussed it this morning b4 we went to work. He was mad that I went through his phone. And we went back and forth and I asked him why he lied. He said that he didn't want drama and that nothing happened between them bc of me and the baby. He said that if we didn't live together that they would have. He went to find someone who would give him the attention that I wouldn't bc of how he was acting toward me. He said that he would handel it meaning that he would cut all ties with her. I was getting the abortion for us to have a fresh start with new people. He doesn't want me to have it. He wants the baby very much and if we were together or not he would provide for the child.I live in NYC so I have until 24 weeks to termintate. Right now I'm a little over 17weeks. So since our talk this morning we are going try to make it work and go to couples therapy.
8976007 tn?1413330650
4 1/2 months along is too far along to get an abortion in most states.

as a mom who was a single mom most of my life, i will tell you that the relationship between you and the baby is the most important and the one i would concentrate on.

if he is cheating now, you will not be able to ever trust him, nor should you.

i would tell him what you know, or maybe ask and see if he lies and then tell him what you know.  

it is not up to him whether you have this baby or not.  it is solely your decision.  he will just have to pay child support.  

i am going through some life changing crap in my relationship too and have a 4 yr old with him.  it is hard to move on, but sometimes that is the only way to find someone who will treat us the way we DESERVE to be treated.  

you deserve trust, honesty and a faithful partner.  doesn't sound like this guy is that.  
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay.  Whew, sorry that this is going on. Two things--- A. no one likes to have their privacy betrayed but his reaction is odd since you DID find out he was flirting around with another girl and it wasn't out of the blue since he did just recently break up with you.  Shame on him---  he should have fallen at your knees sorry at that point.  B. he gave you some valuable info.  He's not feeling connected to you, appreciated or getting enough positive attention.  

It is up to you what you do with this important and useful information.  You have a chance to save the relationship by working on this with him and giving more to his needs.  

I think couples therapy is a good idea.  good luck and hope it works out.  (my son's best friends are twins born at 23 weeks).  
8976007 tn?1413330650
he has to earn your trust back.
he needs to agree to total transparency.  meaning you can check his phone, email or whatever, if you feel you need to.  

maybe if he agrees to that and you get counseling he will step up.
i am happy that he wants the baby.  

having a child hardly ever makes a bad situation better. sometimes it does, but it does put a strain on the relationship.

take advantage of all the counseling you can before the baby gets here.  
praying for the best for you 3
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
In New York, you do not need a medical reason and can indeed get an abortion voluntarily until 24 weeks.  it's a very liberal state in terms of abortion rights.  So, she is not too far along for her state.  She is going to try to make it work with her boyfriend and I hope they are able.  peace
Avatar universal
No here there is no medical reason. As long as I'm in the legal guidelines its OK. Yeah we each have a lot to work on to make this relationship. I don't want to let him go we've been together for almost 3 years and have been through what married couples do. I feel like if we can make it through that we can make it through anything. We have a long way to go b4 our relationship has no issues. I thank you ladies for not being judgmental and harsh or rude. You both make great points. The cousenling will be our only chance of survival together as a couple.
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