father leaves daughter for his new family. How can i get through this?

[KellyM0123]

My parents became seperated about 2 years ago when my dad left my mom for another woman. I'm 22 years old and still live home. Before my parents got seperated i was very close to them espically my dad. My dad and I would go out to dinner once a week, go to Yankees game, watch our favorite shows together. I was pretty much a daddys girl.

My dad met someone who lives in Florida ( I'm in New York) every weekend he would fly to florida to be with her. My dad and I were still close, I was very happy for him to see him happy. Even though i felt bad for my mom.  

Six months ago my dad moved down to florida to live with his girlfriend and her two daughter 12&16. Phone callls and text messages went from everyday to once every 2 weeks if that.  

Now this is the part that really made me realize that his new family is more important.  My boyfriend and I are moving in together were buying a condo.  I needed a large amout of money to put a down payment on my condo i had the money without a problem but my bank account was in my dads name because it was open when i was a minor. I thought it was my name. All the money in there is all mine.  I needed my dad to fly up to sign a paper or i would of lost the condo. He said he would come up but i had to pay the plane ticket because he had no money. I said no problem i understand it was a last minute thing. I really appericated it. He signed the paper and everything went well. The next day my dad texts my boyfriend if he can make bailey ( his girlfriends daughter) a one direction frame ( a band she loves) my boyfriend owns his own business making frames and selling them he has a sports store of frames so he said no problem.  My boyfriend asked my dad what is he willing to spend he said " whatever how much it is i will spend" it came out to 150 my dad says ok no problem.  He is just getting her the frame just because its not her birthday or anything special.  Monday is my birthday I will be 22 for my birthday my dad gets me a $75 gift card to bath, body & beyond its a birthday and house warming gift together. I was hurt that he spends 150 for his girlfriends daughter for no reason and 75 on me when i had to pay for his plane because he has no money but he can spend 150 on her and also hes taking his  girlfriend to vegas in october. Also he bought his girlfriend a watch, necklace from macys and purfume from coach for her birthday coming up on the 30th. Oh and then he tells me that hes not putting me on his health insurance because it coasts too much.  

I never asked anything from me dad before. He doesn't pay anything for me since i was 17 i'm very independent and soon i will be buying a house. I got a great job and i also go to school. He does not help me out with anything. Everything i have i bought it and i pay all my bills and im fine with it but hurts me how his new family in florida is more important.  Do i have a right to be mad/hurt? or am i being selfish and overreacting?

[4slenderthread]

Hi there Kelly-

First of all, you're not over reacting and yes, you have every right to feel exactly how you are feeling. I know exactly what you going through.I know because my own father met a woman shortly after my mother passed away … or already knew her, the jury is out on that one! My dad became someone I didn’t know after he started seeing ‘HER.’ I was still living at home when he moved her in. Granted, she didn’t have children but my dad still became a complete *** … pardon me, but it’s certainly true. I too was a ‘daddy’s girl’ … his only daughter. For the first few months in was weird having her living in my mom’s house … sleeping in her bed – but I thought that I didn’t have any right to tell my dad she couldn’t be there. Things just went downhill over time and I believe my dad thought he had to make a choice, her or me. I understand that he didn’t want to lose her and all that, but I was treated as though I was invisible. One day I was gone most of the day and when I came home I headed straight for my room – trying to stay out of their sight. When I went into my room in was completely and totally empty! They had found an apartment for me, which I had never seen and moved everything I owned (even hung pictures!) while I was gone. I think I was in shock. I only saw my dad a couple times after that and then not again for 20 years when he broke up with ‘HER’ suddenly he started talking to family again. My brothers had nothing to do with him but he and I emailed and spoke on the phone for a time but nothing could undo the damage that had been done. It’s hard to get past a fathers betrayal, and that’s a wound to the heart that never completely heals. It isn’t that I didn’t understand his choice … he was middle aged and didn’t want to be alone. I GET that. But the way I was treated was unforgivable – I left a lot out of my tale obviously. In the end, he was just a man like any other. Once he was my father and he was a great one, I can find comfort in that … and I do now that he has passed away. Some kids never get a good father while I had a wonderful one for the first 20 years of my life! I am so sorry for what you are going through. Who can say what the future will bring but it’s best not to have any expectations. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with people that love you and then take care of and nurture yourself! If you ever want to talk just message me. I wish you the VERY best! Take care sweetie!

[Londres70]

To Add:  I really don't think the real issue is how much he spends on you vs. the gf and her children......you feel you are losing your father slowly to them.  I can definitely say your father has left the marriage/your mother, but I can't say he has consciously left you and doesn't want you anymore.    

Have you discussed your feelings with your father?  Perhaps he is NOT totally aware of what he is doing or maybe he is.  In any case, have a talk with him and make sure he is aware of things from your point of view.  Sometimes, we assume our point of view is crystal clear to another person when in reality the other person hasn't a clue.  

These situations become so complicated and full of emotion and I just think people should do more talking about what they are feeling vs. assuming others should know what they are thinking and feeling or assume what others are thinking and feeling.  

This isn't anything easy to understand and/or accept, however, try to keep the lines of communication open between you and your father.   Perhaps after you fully tell him what you are feeling and thinking maybe, just maybe he will be more attentive about what he needs to do to keep the lines of communication open between himself and his daughter (you).  

[Londres70]

This is truly unfortunate and your feelings of mad/hurt are valid.  

I will agree with SM.... just try to maintain the relationship on an emotional level and leave the finance/money out and don't focus on comparing how much you get vs. this gf and her kids.....sounds like the best thing to do.

[specialmom]

My parents divorced when I was in college.  It was really hard.  And he remarried right away to another woman younger than my older sister.  (gross).  I feel for you hon.  I honestly think it is best to stop comparing what he does for you verses for his new girlfriend and her daughters.  That will drive you crazy.  It hurts but comparing will get you nowhere.  

Rather, just try to maintain the relationship on an emotional level.  

Lots of luck.  I know it isn't easy  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I SO understand how You are feeling "left out" and "hurt" over You Dad's behavior - I DO!! I DO!!
but at the same time, I feel SO sympathetic for Your Mother!!  I'm sure She loved Him with All Her Heart ("for better, for worse, till death do us part") and He LEFT HER FOR ANOTHER WOMAN??!!  
Her pain and abandonment is probably 10x's what Yours is.  I feel bad for Both of You!!
You DO have a right to be mad/hurt!!  You are NOT being "selfish and overreacting" - He is YOUR Dad!! - HE IS THE SELFISH ONE!!  He gave up You AND Your Mom for His "new" wife and His "new" daughters.  HE'S THE SELFISH ONE!!  and as bad as You must feel - Your Mother must feel bad as well!!  I'm sorry He did this to You AND to Your Mother.