Aa
i really don't know whats going on anymore!
so, i was in a relationship for a year, and last september me and my ex broke up but were still connected for a while and were working it out to get back with each other then he messed up a few times, then slept with another girl behind my back.. so it finished about 8 weeks ago.
but the thing is for the past 3-4 months, a really close friend of mine callum told me he really liked me.. ive always liked him too! we were best friends since we were kids.. i didnt let anything happen till me and joe broke up
now with callum, when he first told me and told me how much he wanted me and how much i meant to him etc, it all felt so much more, he would text me everyday, and was really 'wanting' but since i broke up with joe, hes been so distant.. see we decided something should happen so weve been getting together alot but hes been so much less like he was about us, hes said everything is fine and hes happy he still wants me etc, but sometimes its really frustrating how he doesnt compliment me much and we feel a bit dried up and we havent even started being a couple yet :| it just feels that when we were friends and when he was doing the chasing and when it felt new it felt better, all though it is still new! but hes desensitised to it now,,, i dont want to just ask for him to be how he was :| i'll look desperate. but its really worrying because naturally i want the old kinda flirtyness back! its like hes forgotton how to be like that..
i dunno if im comparing because even though joe was a crap boyfriend he was really loving and caring and flirty and all of that kind of thing and i was so used to that
me and callum can be really good and close at times, but its just changed and i really dont know what to do. basically it felt like he used to be the one doing the chasing, now i feel like its me doing it.
but the thing is for the past 3-4 months, a really close friend of mine callum told me he really liked me.. ive always liked him too! we were best friends since we were kids.. i didnt let anything happen till me and joe broke up
now with callum, when he first told me and told me how much he wanted me and how much i meant to him etc, it all felt so much more, he would text me everyday, and was really 'wanting' but since i broke up with joe, hes been so distant.. see we decided something should happen so weve been getting together alot but hes been so much less like he was about us, hes said everything is fine and hes happy he still wants me etc, but sometimes its really frustrating how he doesnt compliment me much and we feel a bit dried up and we havent even started being a couple yet :| it just feels that when we were friends and when he was doing the chasing and when it felt new it felt better, all though it is still new! but hes desensitised to it now,,, i dont want to just ask for him to be how he was :| i'll look desperate. but its really worrying because naturally i want the old kinda flirtyness back! its like hes forgotton how to be like that..
i dunno if im comparing because even though joe was a crap boyfriend he was really loving and caring and flirty and all of that kind of thing and i was so used to that
me and callum can be really good and close at times, but its just changed and i really dont know what to do. basically it felt like he used to be the one doing the chasing, now i feel like its me doing it.
I think the important thing here is to look at the situation and how YOU feel about it. Is this something that the two of you can work on, or is this something that you feel the need to walk away from? The bottom line is, you can only control YOU. You can only control your feelings and the way YOU handle this situation.
You have to make some choices. As I stated above, do you stay and work on this together, or do you cut it off and move on to a situation that you feel more stable in? Decision making is sometimes a real bummer. Sometimes we find ourselves letting things happen and then adapting to them. That sometimes works, at least in the short term. Eventually, by not taking an active part in the relationship we find ourselves in a pinch. (BY relationship, I mean either personal or professional.)
WE need to remember that we do have a choice and we do need to be able to voice our concerns. We should develop relationships that are based on truth and open communication, even if the truth hurts sometimes.
One thing we all do is compare. We compare relationships, social standards, injuries/illnesses.... it adds some kind of validation, I guess. According to Buddhist philosophy, there is no comparing.... there just is. Things are what they are and we do have a lot of say in how most things go. (Keeping in mind that we can only control ourselves.) When we spend time comparing, we can't really find a true sense of self.
Don't compare this relationship to the one you had with Joe. There is no comparison as this is a different relationship. If you got back together with Joe, you could compare those two because you'd have something to measure against. This relationship with "Callum" is different.... even with another relationship with Joe, it too would be different. Other things have happened, situations have changed.
Don't think of the past. Think of now... What can you do to improve the "now"?
You have to make some choices. As I stated above, do you stay and work on this together, or do you cut it off and move on to a situation that you feel more stable in? Decision making is sometimes a real bummer. Sometimes we find ourselves letting things happen and then adapting to them. That sometimes works, at least in the short term. Eventually, by not taking an active part in the relationship we find ourselves in a pinch. (BY relationship, I mean either personal or professional.)
WE need to remember that we do have a choice and we do need to be able to voice our concerns. We should develop relationships that are based on truth and open communication, even if the truth hurts sometimes.
One thing we all do is compare. We compare relationships, social standards, injuries/illnesses.... it adds some kind of validation, I guess. According to Buddhist philosophy, there is no comparing.... there just is. Things are what they are and we do have a lot of say in how most things go. (Keeping in mind that we can only control ourselves.) When we spend time comparing, we can't really find a true sense of self.
Don't compare this relationship to the one you had with Joe. There is no comparison as this is a different relationship. If you got back together with Joe, you could compare those two because you'd have something to measure against. This relationship with "Callum" is different.... even with another relationship with Joe, it too would be different. Other things have happened, situations have changed.
Don't think of the past. Think of now... What can you do to improve the "now"?
Okay, I'll throw this thought out there. Maybe "Callum" doesn't want to come off as pushy or needy. Maybe he doesn't want to try to rush the relationship along too quick, in fear of scaring you off.... Maybe he thinks that now that he "has" you that he cannot come off as over bearing.
Honestly, it can be anything.
Honestly, it can be anything.
Sounds like this "Callum" is confused and scared. Just give him some space and see what happens. Sounds like you both were meant to be good friends vs. a couple.
Perhaps all this "talk" about he wanted you was just that "talk."
OR
The thrill is gone because the chase is over.
You jumped too quickly into this relationship with Callum after Joe.
Let me ask you this.....You aren't talking about Joe alot with Callum are you?
Perhaps all this "talk" about he wanted you was just that "talk."
OR
The thrill is gone because the chase is over.
You jumped too quickly into this relationship with Callum after Joe.
Let me ask you this.....You aren't talking about Joe alot with Callum are you?
i guess its also the fact its a new person yet its making me feel so lonely, compared to joe and being inseperable and 100 percent confortable with each other, now callums holding his distance it makes me feel a bit lost, and very lonely all though i really shouldn't be feeling this down since it was a good thing to bring our feelings out in the open
it just suddenly feels like i dont know him very well anymore. its horrid, i know space is well needed to adjust to the new situation and i don't want to rush anything but its just all so sudden!
it just suddenly feels like i dont know him very well anymore. its horrid, i know space is well needed to adjust to the new situation and i don't want to rush anything but its just all so sudden!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. I don't know. You may be right on the money. Callum may be the kind of guy that is down for the chase and once he has you, he pulls back. He may also like you very much but not be as into you as he thought he would be. Dating and being friends is very different.
Had you written me before you got together with him in a romantic way, I'd have told you to wait a bit and have some time between relationships. With the recent break up, you've gone straight to another man and this often leads to confusion. Better to take a break.
I'd see how this goes a bit longer but really, don't be afraid to break up. If he isn't going to give you the attention you desire or make you feel the way you want, then you should find someone who does.
With that said, the feeling of 'newness' wears off in a relationship. And perhaps that did faster than usual since you were already so familiar with him. But usually when it wears off, you get into a comfortable routine that is lovely in its own way. That doesn't sound like it is happening here.
So, this just may not be a long term boyfriend either. and this is okay. We date to find someone to be with that is RIGHT for us and to weed out those who aren't. good luck
Had you written me before you got together with him in a romantic way, I'd have told you to wait a bit and have some time between relationships. With the recent break up, you've gone straight to another man and this often leads to confusion. Better to take a break.
I'd see how this goes a bit longer but really, don't be afraid to break up. If he isn't going to give you the attention you desire or make you feel the way you want, then you should find someone who does.
With that said, the feeling of 'newness' wears off in a relationship. And perhaps that did faster than usual since you were already so familiar with him. But usually when it wears off, you get into a comfortable routine that is lovely in its own way. That doesn't sound like it is happening here.
So, this just may not be a long term boyfriend either. and this is okay. We date to find someone to be with that is RIGHT for us and to weed out those who aren't. good luck
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