infidelity is ruining my relationship

Question

Hello everyone ..n happy thanksgiving...I recently posted a post sept 7 if u wish to read..anyways my now ex of 3 almost 4 years cheated n done things to me that really hurt and when I found out it made me angry bitter etc. And now he loves me n I did love him but its not the same ..I would love for our relationship to go back to the way it was without the infidelity but I can't seem to get over it I feel like he doesn't know how much he hurt me but I tell him all the time. I am really emotionally suffering as I didn't deal with the issue when he told me about the cheating can anyone help?

ashley911 · Answer

Yea I wanna move on ...I did love him once

mami1323 · Answer

I think this guy is playing games sweetie.  You don't need to waste your time on him.

ashley911 · Answer

I gave this guy ALL my love then he told me he cheated n I recently told him it feels different when we talk so now he says he don't feel loved n I need to show him that I love him to me that sounds like excuse my language BS ******** and than this morning he puts on his status ..love u shell.u aint got nothing on you...n I'm like who the hell is shell... N he says I aint got nothing to worry about n I told him he obviously doesn't no me cause how wouldn't that hurt my feelings ...

mami1323 · Answer

When a man wants to be with you, he will do whatever you ask of him.  To me, it sounds like he expects sex and if he knows he's not going to get that, then he doesn't want to bother.  But it's kind of hard to go from being in a relationship with someone to just being friends.  Especially if the feelings and attraction are still there.  So in a way I can see his point of view in knowing that he wants to be up on you when you return.  However, if he just wants to be friends then he can't expect you to want to do those things.  I think it's all up to you and what you want from him.  I highly doubt you will be able to just be "friends" with him, once you see him, those feelings will rush back.  I think he wants his cake and to eat it to.  He either wants a relationship or he doesn't.

ashley911 · Answer

So we've been talking and he says he wants to start off as close friends ..when I come home from school break and he saying we can do whatever we want and just let ya emotions take control and I'm like well if we can't be a couple I don't want to be physical with you but we can still do things and when I said that he like we might as well not see each other when I come home because his gonna wanna kiss me n squeeze me but I'm like well were not a couple soooo ....what do u guys think?

mami1323 · Answer

ashley, the saying time heals all wounds is true.  However, your boyfriend will have to prove himself to you.  It's very difficult to get over that type of betrayal but not impossible.  Even when things are good, sometimes that doubt is there.  All I can say is focus your energy on things that make you happy.  Infidelity tends to control your mind and your life if you allow it to.  Good luck.

mekim, if he leaves to be with her, please don't believe him when he says that he will be sleeping on the floor and please don't believe it's as innocent as they are friends.  If he's confused, then it's much much more.  I wouldn't be surprised if they've continued their affair this entire time.  I would really think twice about things.  This shouldn't be his choice, if he's doing this a second time to you after you've forgiven him the first time.  Which by the way is such a wonderful thing and you have a great heart.  Don't allow him to do it again, he should be grateful he got the second chance with you.

mekim2005 · Answer

a year ago in oct my husand 21/2 ys then. moved out while i was a work. ttaking his childen with him. he told me he was have an affair and he got her pregant . then a month later he is asking for forgiveness and to let them come home which i did . his son was born in april . (love him to death) . the women he had the affair with moved back in with her husband before he was born . a few months ago she moved into a place of her own with the baby. earlier tis week my husand informs me he has been tring to firure things out in his head because he does not know what he wants anymore. if he loves me or the other women or if he wants to be single. he is thinging about moving out and if he does he will stay with her on the floor . til he can firgure it out . he claims they are friends for his son. i know if he leaves it is done . i really do not know what to do . i love him with all my heart .

ashley911 · Answer

Thanks everybody ...and he told me but like most women I felt it within me ...I really pray that we can start a new cause he is my best friend

teko · Answer

What you are going thru right now is exactly why I would not stay with someone who cheated. He gets a second chance and you get a lifetime of doubt and mistrust. Just not worth it to me. Good luck and like the others said, time will tell the tale.

samz1469 · Answer

well first of all! the question is , did the guy confess to you or did you find out some other way? Im no pro but if it was not a confession then this is going to be a strong barrier to over come! the ? to you is that you need to find out who you are and what you deserve or want out of life! once you feel comfortable with this then  maybe you will better understand your own ?. hope the best!

specialmom · Answer

Well, that is a good thing to agree on!  Talk to someone and see if you can sort out these feelings.  You aren't worried he's cheating now, right?  It is just the shock and betrayal that it happened then that you are still dealing with.  It does take time.  Do you keep a journal?  It may help too to write down how you are feeling on good and bad days.  good luck

ashley911 · Answer

Thanks and I'm trying to see someone because it really effected me ...haven't seen anyone yet but I just want to be happy again and really forgive him n not bring it up in arguments ...were a good team our relationship needs a lot of work for real but at least we can both agree on one thing n that's we love to be around each other...

specialmom · Answer

Hon, I'm sorry.  It does hurt to be cheated on and the pain may never fully go away.  Sometimes people will be chugging along and out of nowhere the thoughts of what happened pop into their head and whammo--------- they are back to square one.  I do think time can fade the pain and the longer that someone remains faithful and good to us, the more we trust them and feel confident they won't hurt us again.  

What did you two do to move past the affair?  Sometimes having a professional sit and the two of you discuss the affair, how it happened, and where you want to go next can really be helpful.  Would that be something you could do?  

I do wish you the best and peace in your heart.

liarsandlies · Answer

The same thing happened to me. You've just got to remember how much you like being with him and think how much it would hurt if he were with someone else. That is a good barometer for your feelings for him. It will never be the same as it was, but you can feel closer if he does the right things and you also know that he chose you - not all women know their partners had a choice to make but why did he chose you over her? If you can't put it behind you and forgive I suggest that you get out now and don't ever look back. Remember he messed it up and what goes around comes around!