jealousy

[kdaily]

I was hoping to get some advice. I'm in a great relationship but have some trust issues, I grew up with a dad who has cheated on my mother and I'm constantly bringing that past into my relationship. My BF is in construction and I've seen the Lifetime movies where a construction workers will have an affair with a homeowner. I constantly fear cheating, I know this happens but I just can't have it happen to me as I've seen what it does.

I don't throw things in his face or accuse him but I do say things that leads to me thinking he's cheating. I need some advise of how to get through this, I want to know if there is any way to control this.

thanks KD

[kdaily]

So I talked to my aunt (shes like a second mom) and she also gave me some infomation. This morning i had him over for breakfast and I talked to him, he's very understanding of my issue, He didn't take it personally which is what I was hoping.

He told me when ever I need to talk he'll listen. Thats great for me, I think that is all I'll need is to be able to talk about it and have someone listen. I'd rather it be him than someone else.

Thanks for all the advice I def. think I should have just talked to him in the beginning, prob. would have saved a lot of agony.

[iam1butterfly]

The anger and distrust that you feel should be directed at the appropriate person, which is your father; not your boyfriend. Unless he's done something to warrant distrust, I suggest that you tone down the unfounded suspicions. Such distrust can and does ruin relationships.

[mami1323]

I know that fear all too well.  My fiance did cheat on me and that pain is real.  I decided to take him back and work on our issues and the fear paralyzes me so much so that I haven't really been able to enjoy the positive changes we have made in our relationship.  I'm just now learning to let go and to try and regain what was destroyed.  We can't let the fear hold us back or else we could miss out on so much love, so much fun.  Getting hurt is such a natural part of life.  Even though all of us can do without it, it allows us to grow as individuals.  If we don't succumb to love, how will we ever really love and how will we ever really enjoy all the good that comes from loving someone and being loved back.  Getting hurts s u c k s big time, but it doesn't mean the end of the world.  You've obviously been in love before and broken up before, and now have found someone new again.  So there is life after heartbreak.  Your father did a rotten thing but doesn't mean someone will do it to you and if he does, then so be it, you will be fine.  You just have to keep telling yourself that.

[Lonelymom]

You really should sit down and talk to him about this. Maybe by opening up to him and him reassuring you that he isn't your dad will help you to let go.

Please keep us posted so we can continue to help you.

[kdaily]

Thank you to both of you,,, I haven't had any issues until I found out that my dad was leaving my mom for the second time. I really feel like his actions have scared me with my future spouses. The first time my dad did this I had jealousy issues with my first love and we made it through that, now that I'm with someone new (we've been together for about 7 months or more) but he doesn't really know my past and it's difficult to explain how I feel and I don't want to scare him off so I don't mention it.

But I know some thing has to be done because the thoughts I get just aren't healthy. I don't think I really have a self esteem issue because I know I'm beautiful (not to sound big headed) But I am in touch with myself in every way; I really think its the fear of being hurt.

I appreciate the advise you both have given and will do my best to control it and try and get rid of it... I did it once I can do it again.

[Lonelymom]

I had to researching making marriages work for my psychology class and part of making a marriage work was not expecting it to be like what you see on t.v. I love the lifetime movies as well but if you really pay attention to them they make all men out to be the bad guy.

Trust is a hard thing to learn but is very vitale in a relationship. Do other things that take your mind off of the problem. Think about it this way, what if he was always thinking you were at home having an affair with the mailman?? It would be just as easy for you. Not saying either of you are so please don't take it that way just saying it wouldn't feel good to you if he didn't trust you either.

The green eyed monster can take us over and cause some severe problems. Don't let your dad's mistakes ruin your relationships. Just because your dad was a jerk to your mom does not mean your men will be that way to you.

[mami1323]

It's very hard to change yourself.  But that's the only way to get through it.  You have to really manipulate your thoughts so that you aren't constantly focused on the "what ifs".  It's all about your self esteem.  If you think that you are a great person and he will not do that to you then you would be ok.  It's about confidence as well.  But frankly, there is no way to avoid it if it is going to happen.  You can make yourself sick thinking about it but if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat.  You will be ok either way.  You can't fear those things or else you will get no pleasure from life and no pleasure from this relationship.  Try some counseling, it may help you with your self esteem issues.  You said you think he's cheating?  Why do you think this?