Aa
need help
just like any other married woman from a long boring relationship, i fell for another man. i've been married for my husband for 18 years now and have 2 teenagers. my husband is a flirt. i've caught him hugging his employees many times in the past. i thought he'd changed, but i caught him doing the same thing. but since in the past, everytime i would catch him and confront him about it, he'd say that's how he relates with them and that there's nothing wrong with it, then when we get into a heated argument because i didn't want to have sex with him he'd change things around that i was the one seeing someone else. he had accused me of cheating on him for 13 years now. anyway, i thought he'd changed but i caught him hugging her employees again. i've told him long before that i didn't like it and i thought he stopped doing it. i got sick and tired of him that i decided not o sleep with hom anymore. he had never invited me out for dinner neither going to the movies all our married years. he thinks going out is just a waste of money that's why my kids grew out going to the movies or eating out just with me. he didn't want to spend a penny for things like this. he never gives me money to take my children out. he keeps his own money and i keep mine. i love to eat out, go out, go places on vacation, adn he's the opposite. he could stay at home all day watching tv or stay in bed til afternoon on weekedns while i'm out with my children. i thought i have that problem of dryness because of my age. but i met this new guy 8 months ago and had an affair with him. i realized that i don't have that kind of problem. because i've enjoyed it with him and can do it over and over for 3 hours. needless to say, i'm hooked with this new guy and still with my husband. although we sleep in different beds for a year now, i still feel guilty for what i'm doing. i've only been with this new guy 5 times , but i can't stop communicating with him. he respects my situation and doesn't force me to see him, only when i can. but we are in constant contact in chat. i tried so hard to stop communicating with him because i don't want to live a double life, but it's so hard to control myself checking my email to read his messages. and i can't control myself to answer it because he makes me feel so special with his messages.
i can't leave my husband because it will ruin my children, but then i don't want to be living a double life either. if i can't be with this new guy then i need to break up with him. i want to stop loving him. please tell me what to do.
thank you very much.
california0222
i can't leave my husband because it will ruin my children, but then i don't want to be living a double life either. if i can't be with this new guy then i need to break up with him. i want to stop loving him. please tell me what to do.
thank you very much.
california0222
Best Answer
No, I've used soulmate username since i've seen that short video about soulmate by Paul Coehlo.
Thank you very much for your advice, I really appreciate it. As I have mentioned in my response to Londres, I have not talked to anybody about my problems even to my closest friends because I'm a very private person. Even about my ongoing problems with my husband, nobody knows what I've been going through. I don't hear any advice from anybody or someone else's point of view that I just rely on what I feel, which obviously had brought me more headaches because of my desire of always wanting to be with this new guy, but I can't with the fear of getting caught. That's why I'm just getting in-touch with him by chat because I can't take a risk of seeing him whenever I want to. But since I've found this site and heard from specialmom, I finally heard someone else's opinion on my situation. Then Londres responded too and shared her own point of view. And now you. It's completely different when you have someone to talk to, not just keeping everything on your own.
I don't know if I can really work things out with my husband. I don't know if it's possible to bring love back again in our relationship when I don't feel anything towards him anymore. Is it possible to fall-in.love again when I don't feel any attraction with him anymore long before I met this new guy? Believe me, If I could at least feel something towards him maybe it would be a good motive to work things out, but I don't really feel anything towards him anymore. And on his part, he doesn't do anything to solve our problems at all. He doesn't even do anything romantic to get my attention. He goes on with his daily routine not trying to do something to save our relationship. He would never take me out for dinner just to make me feel special. He would not spend money in things like that. Oh I'm so glad to have found this site that I can talk about my personal problems without the fear of getting talked about and getting criticized.
Thank you guys for all your help.
Thank you very much for your advice, I really appreciate it. As I have mentioned in my response to Londres, I have not talked to anybody about my problems even to my closest friends because I'm a very private person. Even about my ongoing problems with my husband, nobody knows what I've been going through. I don't hear any advice from anybody or someone else's point of view that I just rely on what I feel, which obviously had brought me more headaches because of my desire of always wanting to be with this new guy, but I can't with the fear of getting caught. That's why I'm just getting in-touch with him by chat because I can't take a risk of seeing him whenever I want to. But since I've found this site and heard from specialmom, I finally heard someone else's opinion on my situation. Then Londres responded too and shared her own point of view. And now you. It's completely different when you have someone to talk to, not just keeping everything on your own.
I don't know if I can really work things out with my husband. I don't know if it's possible to bring love back again in our relationship when I don't feel anything towards him anymore. Is it possible to fall-in.love again when I don't feel any attraction with him anymore long before I met this new guy? Believe me, If I could at least feel something towards him maybe it would be a good motive to work things out, but I don't really feel anything towards him anymore. And on his part, he doesn't do anything to solve our problems at all. He doesn't even do anything romantic to get my attention. He goes on with his daily routine not trying to do something to save our relationship. He would never take me out for dinner just to make me feel special. He would not spend money in things like that. Oh I'm so glad to have found this site that I can talk about my personal problems without the fear of getting talked about and getting criticized.
Thank you guys for all your help.
Thanks for opening up my mind. I haven't talked to anybody about this that I became so narrow minded and have only been relying on my feelings. I really do appreciate your comments and Special mom. I don't really feel anything towards my husband anymore for years now. I don't feel any sexual attraction at all. Maybe because of how he had treated me, being so sarcastic at all times, always in a bad mood, yelling at me, and for accusing me of cheating on him everytime I would confront him on his attitude towards his employees, not wanting to do anything fun with me and my kids just stay home and watch tv, and so many more bad things that happened in the past. I would consider therapy on my own just to be able to move on because he would not bother doing it. As I have mentioned, he hates spending money. For 18 years being married with him, he has never invited me out for dinner or a movie not even once, and worse in things like this. Thank you very much.
I agree with the above replies completely.
I'm wondering with your username, are you thinking that this new guy is your soul mate? Remember that when people have an affair, there is a lot of passion and sexual energy, and that can feel intense. That has nothing to do with being a "soul mate".
It says a lot about him that he's willing to sleep with (and have an emotional affair with) a married woman. Like Londres said, he isn't respecting you or your marriage at all. People who care about other people don't put them in an awful position.
If you want to work on your marriage, you have to completely get rid of this guy, 100%. A marriage will have NO chance of survival if there is an interloper in the picture. You have to be 100% emotionally committed to saving your marriage if you want to try.
The only other option is to divorce your husband and move on. I would still not recommend being with this new guy, even if you got a divorce, because relationships formed out of mistrust and deceit are seldom successful. You'll both always have that nagging thought in the back of your mind..."well, he/she was involved with infidelity, why would it not happen with me?"
Best of luck to you.
I'm wondering with your username, are you thinking that this new guy is your soul mate? Remember that when people have an affair, there is a lot of passion and sexual energy, and that can feel intense. That has nothing to do with being a "soul mate".
It says a lot about him that he's willing to sleep with (and have an emotional affair with) a married woman. Like Londres said, he isn't respecting you or your marriage at all. People who care about other people don't put them in an awful position.
If you want to work on your marriage, you have to completely get rid of this guy, 100%. A marriage will have NO chance of survival if there is an interloper in the picture. You have to be 100% emotionally committed to saving your marriage if you want to try.
The only other option is to divorce your husband and move on. I would still not recommend being with this new guy, even if you got a divorce, because relationships formed out of mistrust and deceit are seldom successful. You'll both always have that nagging thought in the back of your mind..."well, he/she was involved with infidelity, why would it not happen with me?"
Best of luck to you.
I think you are probably past just doing "date nights" to repair this......therapy is in order here; marriage counseling ASAP. Even if your husband isn't open to this I would suggest you go by yourself. If therapy is ineffective, then consider the possibility of divorce.
Stop seeing this other guy immediately. He is nothing more than an distraction from your real problems and your marriage.
Affairs destroy relationships and marriages, not hugging and flirting.
"he respects my situation and doesn't force me to see him, only when i can. but we are in constant contact in chat.".......Dear, he really isn't respecting your situation if he continues to chat with you and see you. Breaking things off with you OR not getting involved with you in the first place would be "respecting the situation."
Going from one man to another man usually isn't a good solution.
Stop seeing this other guy immediately. He is nothing more than an distraction from your real problems and your marriage.
Affairs destroy relationships and marriages, not hugging and flirting.
"he respects my situation and doesn't force me to see him, only when i can. but we are in constant contact in chat.".......Dear, he really isn't respecting your situation if he continues to chat with you and see you. Breaking things off with you OR not getting involved with you in the first place would be "respecting the situation."
Going from one man to another man usually isn't a good solution.
Thank you very much for your response. I actually tried to save our marriage so many times. But I always see something that turns me off right there, like, he gets very sarcastic on me all the time, and I hate it. I've told him that so many times, but I think he can't help it. He gets mad so easily and raises his voice on me. He helps me a lot at home, but it doesn't change what I feel towards him. Believe me, I've been trying to fall back in love with him because I don't like the situation I'm in, wanting to be with someone else and living with another. Maybe you're right that he finds me boring too, but I can't fake to be sexually attracted to him when I'm not anymore. I can't even stand the thought of him touching me again. When I started seeing this new guy, I haven't had a sexual relationship with my husband anymore for a long time already, although we are living in the same roof but we don't do it anymore. He always showed he wanted to , but I find excuses. But thanks for the advice. I'd cut off my communication with this new guy, again. I said that because I've tried so hard, but couldn't be successful because I couldn't help checking my emails and answering his messages. I've told him so many times not to contact me anymore, but the problem is me not being able to control myself answering his messages. I appreciate your time.
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My suggestion to any married person is to work on the marriage first. And after you've given that some time beyond when you initially decided you were bored or unhappy and gave true 100 percent effort, then divorce. Once divorced, you would be a single woman entitled to begin dating other men. Until then, it's just plain old fashioned infidelity. With no excuse for WHY it happened being valid in my opinion. It's okay to leave a relationship. Doing things the proper way in the proper order really gives a person peace of mind as well as peace in their heart. Not to mention giving any future relationship a chance to survive because relationships that start while someone is married fail 98 percent of the time.
Why do they fail? Because the other person 'knows' that if you are bored with them . . . you'll look elsewhere. They will never fully trust you. And you deep down know that the person who you cheated with has the kind of ethics that would allow them to be with a married woman. That is a bit of a problem with their character that you would always be aware of and then you would have trouble trusting that person as well. and all the other complications that go with a relationship started through cheating means that the vast majority of time, it's doomed from the start.
So, that is a bit grim but it is hard to sugar coat such a situation. Better to do things in order and be a free woman before finding a new partner.
If you can't leave your husband, your only option is to cut off all ties with the new guy. Right away. And throw yourself into your marriage. Heck, maybe your husband finds you boring too. And together, you can reconnect and become a strong couple again. It's happened to many a partnership before. Marriage counseling can help. Planning dates. Doing nice things for each other (and you just for him to get the ball rolling with that), complimenting one another, walking in his shoes to try to understand him better, appreciating the good things about him, etc.
So, really------ I CAN see by the end of your post you kind of know what you have to do. It's hard. You might be a little sad. But send your focus elsewhere rather than dwelling on this guy. Get in touch with him and tell him you can't go on and you are going to try to save your marriage. To not contact you again.
wishing you lots of luck. peace