Aa
Seems like sex is a burden to my wife...but I want it all the time.
My wife and I have been married for 28 years and are both in our early 50's. I have a sex drive that won't quit and she never seems to want it. I beg and plead and sometimes...sometimes get it. I have gone over a year at a time without. When (On the rare occasion) we do make love....she complains about everything and I do everything in my power to make sure she gets plenty of foreplay and massaging and attention. It's been so long since we have made love, I hate to admit that I am seriously thinking about finding a sexual partner to accommodate my 'needs'. I love her but it seems she just doesn't care about my needs. She does have some physical ailments and such but so do I and I don't ask her to do anything special either....but I just feel as though I am this fiend wanting sex all the time...when I would be happy with a couple of times a week. Sigh....She is going through menopause as well...and I am sure that has a factor in what is happening but this has been going on long long before that ever started....so one sided...and I have discussed this with her time and time again to no avail. Masturbation is NOT sex! Sex is so much more satisfying and intent...and I love the contact with her. She doesn't even like to cuddle or for me to be near her that much when we are just relaxing...she seems to thing everything is going to turn into sex...even though I have told her that it doesn't. Am I just screwed? I love her but just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want another woman...but my sexual hunger is a very overwhelming thing. A hunger in which only sex can satisfy. What should I do?
Hi, i think in situations like this counseling would really be benificial. She needs to fully understand your needs and you need to fully understand her needs and getting a third party involved could bring to light some hidden issues.
This is the thing missing from your post is understanding her needs. You mention when you do make love she complains about everything you do. This is my point, understanding her needs is part of this.
I think men in their 50,s go through some change also where the need is heightened.
This is the thing missing from your post is understanding her needs. You mention when you do make love she complains about everything you do. This is my point, understanding her needs is part of this.
I think men in their 50,s go through some change also where the need is heightened.
I appreciate Life's take on this, especially since it is coming from a man. I think it's great advice.
One thing that you need to reign in your naivete in and stop yourself from thinking that marriage counselling is about your trying to bargain for 96 sex sessions in the next year, with your wife.
The purpose for the marriage counseling should be that you are both able to get back to having fun , banter, dates , and in time getting closer. after you fix whatever it is that you may have done, that has her going so off track. In my experience there are definitive reasons why a women goes off track with their husband. Something like asking her if she has to have an orgasm, 'every time". You'll have to think back to what was going on when you all but stopped being intimate.
in the next year. during marriage counseling. If you've never been slick before , it's time slick. It doesn't work that way, i can assure you. Especially if something has gone off track for her along the way. Something like asking her if she needs to have an orgasm "every" time you have sex, or stopping in at a strip club with the boys, or not turning the channel when a provocative female is shaking her *** in you face. Women like to think that their men are more savvy than that. They like to think that their men wouldn't sit with their tongue hanging out watching females that are their daughter's age. (even if they do).
Are you sure you don't know of any ghosts in your closet, any red flags you may have missed?
As a woman , i can tell you that as we age,
A) our bodies change, more than men
B) we are constantly bombarded with youthful sexuality on tv
C) we see women that pay a price to high for the average to look so beautiful
D) women that make a living out of their bodies, when we don't
E) women are sold everywhere, where you live, what you watch
F) we're forever hearing about how men cheat when there's any lull in the bedroom , and most women are never asked to get on board with a marriage counselor before their men are caught or they cop to it.,
G) often men tell the women they've cheated, to make themselves feel better , not really thinking if it's in the best interest of their wive's
H) we know many men would cheat rather than to give a head's up and go to counseling to try to re establish their union with their wife as close
I) expecting to "work on a sexual relationship" means x amount of times that we will be ready and willing and that's more of an insult and a red flag to us
If anything women might consider the option of going to a marriage counselor to discuss "getting as close as we once were in everything but sex", in order to prepare a possible union of body mind and soul.
Also, take spooning off the table. That's not cuddling in a women's mind. The cuddling you're talking about is after women have sex. Otherwise, it does absolutely signal your intention to have sex.
Sitting on the same couch, sharing popcorn, going out to a movie and dinner, going to the zoo, and reestablishing a romantic vibe between you can be done starting now for you.
After you've established contact, a connection, you might tell her you're concerned that you may have done something that turned her off. As LIFE mentioned , your wife has given you clues, but you may not be reading them. I say ask for counseling after you've put some time into making her feel like you want to be her best friend again, and have fun again, like when you were kids.
Her sexual appetite may never fulfill your stated expectation, and as Life said, that's the part about really wanting this to be about both of you, and not just you.
Keep posting. You'll hear more comments that might resonate with you. But i sure hope that something here so far helps, because I think if you act on it, it will yield certain results..
One thing that you need to reign in your naivete in and stop yourself from thinking that marriage counselling is about your trying to bargain for 96 sex sessions in the next year, with your wife.
The purpose for the marriage counseling should be that you are both able to get back to having fun , banter, dates , and in time getting closer. after you fix whatever it is that you may have done, that has her going so off track. In my experience there are definitive reasons why a women goes off track with their husband. Something like asking her if she has to have an orgasm, 'every time". You'll have to think back to what was going on when you all but stopped being intimate.
in the next year. during marriage counseling. If you've never been slick before , it's time slick. It doesn't work that way, i can assure you. Especially if something has gone off track for her along the way. Something like asking her if she needs to have an orgasm "every" time you have sex, or stopping in at a strip club with the boys, or not turning the channel when a provocative female is shaking her *** in you face. Women like to think that their men are more savvy than that. They like to think that their men wouldn't sit with their tongue hanging out watching females that are their daughter's age. (even if they do).
Are you sure you don't know of any ghosts in your closet, any red flags you may have missed?
As a woman , i can tell you that as we age,
A) our bodies change, more than men
B) we are constantly bombarded with youthful sexuality on tv
C) we see women that pay a price to high for the average to look so beautiful
D) women that make a living out of their bodies, when we don't
E) women are sold everywhere, where you live, what you watch
F) we're forever hearing about how men cheat when there's any lull in the bedroom , and most women are never asked to get on board with a marriage counselor before their men are caught or they cop to it.,
G) often men tell the women they've cheated, to make themselves feel better , not really thinking if it's in the best interest of their wive's
H) we know many men would cheat rather than to give a head's up and go to counseling to try to re establish their union with their wife as close
I) expecting to "work on a sexual relationship" means x amount of times that we will be ready and willing and that's more of an insult and a red flag to us
If anything women might consider the option of going to a marriage counselor to discuss "getting as close as we once were in everything but sex", in order to prepare a possible union of body mind and soul.
Also, take spooning off the table. That's not cuddling in a women's mind. The cuddling you're talking about is after women have sex. Otherwise, it does absolutely signal your intention to have sex.
Sitting on the same couch, sharing popcorn, going out to a movie and dinner, going to the zoo, and reestablishing a romantic vibe between you can be done starting now for you.
After you've established contact, a connection, you might tell her you're concerned that you may have done something that turned her off. As LIFE mentioned , your wife has given you clues, but you may not be reading them. I say ask for counseling after you've put some time into making her feel like you want to be her best friend again, and have fun again, like when you were kids.
Her sexual appetite may never fulfill your stated expectation, and as Life said, that's the part about really wanting this to be about both of you, and not just you.
Keep posting. You'll hear more comments that might resonate with you. But i sure hope that something here so far helps, because I think if you act on it, it will yield certain results..
I think that if you think in terms of ever getting to have sex with your wife again, where you are both in tune, and happy to be there, is what you should be shooting for., and it's not going to happen over night. but it can happen. She fell in love with you, (hopefully) once, and there were definite aspects of your personality and body that she wanted to be with (if you had a vibrant sex life once upon a time). This can be rekindled within a women. It will take patience. but it's possible. One thing that i'm pretty sure of is that she probably knows that she would be happier, if you two could somehow make it work together.
Thanks for your comments and I am more the one who likes the sitting close on the couch and just being close. My wife says she don't like someone to be 'hanging' onto her because of our kids hanging on her constantly. We have four daughters and they range from 26 to 11 and she claims that she gets smothered whenever someone tries to get close and just share her personal space. I am the one who likes all close things like gentle touches, a warm smile, a loving glance. I tell her I love her all the time and I DON'T EVER go to strip clubs, drink. I don't ogle other women when they come on the t.v. I tell my wife she is pretty and beautiful all the time and how much I love her...not just lip service either...I mean it. I honestly don't think what I am asking is too much out of the realm of unrealistic. NOW...for a darker side of me. I have been caught by her chatting with other women on the computer. Here is my thought on this before anyone judges me. I was lonely. I was confused and mostly I turned to women to find out what women want and what they need. My problem is I started to have relations with some of these women...and I know, not good. I have made more then my share of mistakes. I am human. Here is the honest to Gods truth. I would never EVER have thought about chatting or talking to other women if I got the attention I so desire. Men are NOT complicated creatures. A lot of us crave some of the same things you women do. I feel very neglected when it seems like closeness, cuddling, or time together never seems to be an option to her. This is why I am on here trying desperately to save a rocky marriage. Things are fine when I play by her rules as far as this marriage is concerned and I get sex when SHE wants it or I get to set next to her when she allows it. I think at this point...she really doesn't trust me and I have told her that the reason I do what I do on the computer is because I am lonely and she thinks this is because I am weak. This may be part of it...but also she never seems to want to give me anything back without a complaint. I don't just mean this have happened since the internet cheating ....I mean this seems to be almost all the time in the last twenty years. I try my damnedest to do things she like to do. I work hard for a living. I am not lazy. I am always home and try to keep up one her wants and needs. I am a bit overweight but not too much. I think I started to let myself go because no one seem to care what I looked like anyway and why maintain if she doesn't want me anyway? I think I honestly go out of my way to give her affection and attention. Maybe she just doesn't love me any more and maybe she never loved me....I don't know....I feel like a sperm donor and a paycheck most of the time. I know no one here can fully understand someone if they have not lived with someone but...I am pouring myself out here before you all. I am flawed and broken. My heard bleeds and breaks every day. I guess this is it. No more sex...no more intimacy. We just ARE and should accept it...or at least I should. I have never had sex with another woman. Counseling has been done before earlier on in our relationship but it still felt like everything was MY fault. It didn't seem to help...not me, at least. We have talked about divorce on several occasions but neither of seem to want to go that far....maybe out of fear of living life alone or trying the dating thing again. I don't want a divorce....I just want to be loved. Is that too much to ask?
Suppose You were to share these posts with Your Wife??
Perhaps it would serve to better open up communication between the two of You - and more 'doors' may open for discussion (both You and Her) as regards the great responses You've had.
GoodLuck
Perhaps it would serve to better open up communication between the two of You - and more 'doors' may open for discussion (both You and Her) as regards the great responses You've had.
GoodLuck
Also there is one thing id like to stress. Things can bring back the closeness that we once shared and one thing is called TRAGEDY. Donot let this be the reason you take the extra step to get close to your wife. Loss of a loved one, someone breaking into your home stealing all that you cherish, loosing your home and terminal disease.
I want to say that therapy isn't a cure-all in any situation. And going to a therapist at one point in your life isn't going to be enough. You have to try a few different ones until you find one that works for both of you, someone who is able to be neutral yet understanding to both and facilitate healthy and meaningful conversation. Try again, try a few different counselors.
It sounds to me like you love your wife and do want to make it work, but I think you know where the distrust started: being caught chatting with other women. That is betrayal, whether you intended it or not. Emotional affairs mean a lot to women, just as much as if you physically went out and had one. She probably realizes you continued the behavior, and to her, that has mentally given her justification and proof that anything you say to her (if you told her you'd quit then went back to it) is just lip service to make her "shut up."
It's going to take a lot of work to get this marriage back to where you both are happy, but you can get there. Just don't give up before you've even tried all your resources.
It sounds to me like you love your wife and do want to make it work, but I think you know where the distrust started: being caught chatting with other women. That is betrayal, whether you intended it or not. Emotional affairs mean a lot to women, just as much as if you physically went out and had one. She probably realizes you continued the behavior, and to her, that has mentally given her justification and proof that anything you say to her (if you told her you'd quit then went back to it) is just lip service to make her "shut up."
It's going to take a lot of work to get this marriage back to where you both are happy, but you can get there. Just don't give up before you've even tried all your resources.
Thanks so much for opening up ~ it's not easy to be vulnerable in front of others, anonymous or not, but it is really important to get any advice that could serve you well. I think you are exactly what you say you are. A good man wanting the "good life" with a wife you love, I don't think that you would have cheated unless you felt provoked, and I certainly don't think it's too much to want a full sex life and intimacy.
You mentioned that you had relations with women online, but that you have never had sex, so I take it, that you were caught having cyber sex. and that your therapy happened before this happened and not after.
So what did you originally go to the marriage counselor for, prior to your getting caught with the online thing? You've said that you got nothing out of the therapy, other than to be told that everything was your "fault".
Why did you go, and why was it your fault? Knowing the "everything" obviously would be required to understand where you're both at. .Also, you've said at the end, that maybe you are only to expect NO sex, and yet you've said that you do have sex when your wife wants it. So i'm confused. How often have you been having relations (that you consider to be a zero)? Also, has your wife worked throughout the marriage with the four kids? That makes a difference. no doubt.
You've mentioned that for 20 years she doesn't like to give anything back, without a complaint. This is a huge red flag. If your wife has never been a person to want to share their space, or has complained about your initiating sex since the very beginning, then with or without a therapist , it may not be something that you can reasonably expect to happen for yourself. And twice a week specifically, may not be considered reasonable, considering the type of women that you chose knowingly to be with. Being spontaneous, warm and intimate are personality traits, not something that you can teach. Perhaps one could learn, for instance, once the kids are off ,in another 7 years, you may experience a change of sorts. My husband and I are naturally closer since the kids are out of the house and off on their own. On a bright note, judging by the love you profess to have for her, sounds like your wife has been a wonderful mother to your children. .
One thing in your comments that are sparse, and without any detail, is what was dealt with in your therapy sessions. Did the therapist not suggest date nights, and ways to build intimacy? I agree that you should find a therapist, maybe you go yourself and explain the situation to make sure that the therapist will make you feel that the sessions are going to be impartial. I know it' takes a lot of work to do what i'm proposing, but if it helps to bring you closer, why not?
You mentioned that you had relations with women online, but that you have never had sex, so I take it, that you were caught having cyber sex. and that your therapy happened before this happened and not after.
So what did you originally go to the marriage counselor for, prior to your getting caught with the online thing? You've said that you got nothing out of the therapy, other than to be told that everything was your "fault".
Why did you go, and why was it your fault? Knowing the "everything" obviously would be required to understand where you're both at. .Also, you've said at the end, that maybe you are only to expect NO sex, and yet you've said that you do have sex when your wife wants it. So i'm confused. How often have you been having relations (that you consider to be a zero)? Also, has your wife worked throughout the marriage with the four kids? That makes a difference. no doubt.
You've mentioned that for 20 years she doesn't like to give anything back, without a complaint. This is a huge red flag. If your wife has never been a person to want to share their space, or has complained about your initiating sex since the very beginning, then with or without a therapist , it may not be something that you can reasonably expect to happen for yourself. And twice a week specifically, may not be considered reasonable, considering the type of women that you chose knowingly to be with. Being spontaneous, warm and intimate are personality traits, not something that you can teach. Perhaps one could learn, for instance, once the kids are off ,in another 7 years, you may experience a change of sorts. My husband and I are naturally closer since the kids are out of the house and off on their own. On a bright note, judging by the love you profess to have for her, sounds like your wife has been a wonderful mother to your children. .
One thing in your comments that are sparse, and without any detail, is what was dealt with in your therapy sessions. Did the therapist not suggest date nights, and ways to build intimacy? I agree that you should find a therapist, maybe you go yourself and explain the situation to make sure that the therapist will make you feel that the sessions are going to be impartial. I know it' takes a lot of work to do what i'm proposing, but if it helps to bring you closer, why not?
Thanks so much for letting me bend your ears. O.k. Let me say that the couples therapy we had was because of the first time getting caught on the internet chatting with other women. I admitted to my wife and the therapist that it made me feel good to have other people telling me I am worth something and that I am not just here taking up space and air. I don't know why but I seem to able to talk to women easier then I talk to guys. I suppose I do like the attention. I think, in my mind it's my way of saying, 'hey, see...women do think you are a good guy and you deserve to be loved and there is nothing wrong with you.' I have even seen a therapist for just myself per my wife's request. She figured something is very wrong with me and so I finally went. WELLLL that didn't turn out the way she liked either. I told her about the sessions and why I did what I did..and she didn't like the fact that the therapist agreed with me that I was just acting out because of my situation and I didn't need to see him anymore after only 3 sessions. I know I am a screw-up and maybe I don't deserve her or her love but I do know one thing for sure...I am a romantic that just wants to be loved and want's to love back without hearing a groan or pushes me away every time I want to just show some affection. There used to be date night...to answer that question...and it wasn't bad but still....the loneliness and the distance still remained. When I said I get sex when she wants it...that is usually never unless I beg and plead for it. I tired of fighting for something I think should just be a part of a healthy relationship. I don't mean the sex but the whole affection package. I have screwed up but I seem to screw up for the same reason. If that makes me a bad person, then I am a bad person...and maybe she has no reason to love or trust me anymore. To be honest...I am no worse off now then I was many years ago. I suppose I have this preconceived notion as to what I think a relationship should be....and evadently she does to and they are VERY different! Never mind answering any more to this thread....I thank you all for your time but maybe I am the *** and every other think you ladies like to call us guys when you are mad at us. I will just put the blame all on myself and I will live my life miserable. I still have my kids to keep my life a bit normal. I have even (in the past) contemplated suicide but I love my kids too much to do such a thing to them and I would miss them growing up. Never underestimate the power of love and companionship. I suppose the band 'Sweet' was right, love is like oxygen, you get too much you get to high...not enough and you're gonna die. Love makes you cry. It does me. Let me end this by saying to all of you who took the time to listen to my rants and cries....People are like flowers.....and it's been a pleasure walking through your garden. Bless you all
I have to ask because the thought has crossed my mind every time you mention her being standoffish and wanting her personal space. Has she ever been sexually abused? If so, has she dealt with it.
No...but she has been over weight her whole life and was made to feel bad about being such by her father. Again, if you read any of my above posts, I have never EVER mentioned this to her about her weight. I only tell her positive things and how beautiful she is and that I love her. She is her own worst critic. I don't like it when she berates herself and she does not know how to take a compliment. I have always tried to build her self esteem and show her love. I know I am not always successful and I sometimes don't say just the right thing but my heart is in the right place. Some days there is just not any right words...it's like everything I say is an insult to her and I should just go away...and after I can only take so much...that is just what I do.
Maybe J. Geils was more right than Sweet when he said, 'love stinks'. Maybe I am just not meant for happily ever after. sigh.
It sounds to me like your wife may be depressed. Certainly a low self esteem (especially about one's body) will cause a woman to shy away from sex. Been there, done that.
I wonder if she would be willing to seek some help, maybe talk to a mental health professional to see if there isn't something to that possibility? Until she's okay with herself, she's always going to have issues giving you the loving, affectionate relationship you long for I'm afraid.
It sounds like you've bent over backwards trying to make her feel loved, appreciated, etc. If she's not willing to look into getting some help, then you've got some tough decisions to make I'm afraid. I'm all for trying to make marriages work, but if BOTH parties don't try, it's futile, and you're just left spinning your wheels. In the meantime, I would try as best you can to stay away from overly dramatic, self defeating kind of thoughts, like you've expressed here. For instance...
"Maybe I am just not meant for happily ever after. sigh."
"Never mind answering any more to this thread....I thank you all for your time but maybe I am the *** and every other think you ladies like to call us guys when you are mad at us. I will just put the blame all on myself and I will live my life miserable."
While that may be how you feel, it's overly dramatic, and catastrophic kind of thinking, and it's certainly not going to help in any way.
Best to you, I hope your wife is willing to at least be evaluated and talk to someone. Not only does it sound like she's got some issues with depression and low self esteem, but she may have never fully worked through her feelings about your online affairs. That's something that needs to happen before you can move on and work on your marriage, IMO.
I wonder if she would be willing to seek some help, maybe talk to a mental health professional to see if there isn't something to that possibility? Until she's okay with herself, she's always going to have issues giving you the loving, affectionate relationship you long for I'm afraid.
It sounds like you've bent over backwards trying to make her feel loved, appreciated, etc. If she's not willing to look into getting some help, then you've got some tough decisions to make I'm afraid. I'm all for trying to make marriages work, but if BOTH parties don't try, it's futile, and you're just left spinning your wheels. In the meantime, I would try as best you can to stay away from overly dramatic, self defeating kind of thoughts, like you've expressed here. For instance...
"Maybe I am just not meant for happily ever after. sigh."
"Never mind answering any more to this thread....I thank you all for your time but maybe I am the *** and every other think you ladies like to call us guys when you are mad at us. I will just put the blame all on myself and I will live my life miserable."
While that may be how you feel, it's overly dramatic, and catastrophic kind of thinking, and it's certainly not going to help in any way.
Best to you, I hope your wife is willing to at least be evaluated and talk to someone. Not only does it sound like she's got some issues with depression and low self esteem, but she may have never fully worked through her feelings about your online affairs. That's something that needs to happen before you can move on and work on your marriage, IMO.
I agree with nursegirl. I don't know if you say that stuff to your wife, but saying "maybe I am just not meant to be happy" is not sexy.
Remember that song, "nobody likes me everybody hates I think I'll go eat worms"?
I think your wife has a physical condition of lack of libido. I had that for a couple years, and same as with her, it was even irritating to me to have my kids hang all over me. I just really didn't want physical affection and touching of any kind. And sitting on the couch next to my husband, or hugging him, was also avoided because that would just lead to him trying to have sex. It was an awful period of time for us.
Thankfully, for some reason, it ended. I could really feel, physically, my libido return - and it happened over night, literally.
She probably could benefit from a check of her hormones.
Remember that song, "nobody likes me everybody hates I think I'll go eat worms"?
I think your wife has a physical condition of lack of libido. I had that for a couple years, and same as with her, it was even irritating to me to have my kids hang all over me. I just really didn't want physical affection and touching of any kind. And sitting on the couch next to my husband, or hugging him, was also avoided because that would just lead to him trying to have sex. It was an awful period of time for us.
Thankfully, for some reason, it ended. I could really feel, physically, my libido return - and it happened over night, literally.
She probably could benefit from a check of her hormones.
Remember that song, "nobody likes me everybody hates I think I'll go eat worms"?
hahahaha love it. I'm going to use that. My dad used to sing it all the time.
Alala., honey , the thing is, as RR suggested, you seem to be pretty aggressively pursuing the poor me mentality, and
i think that might be because there is a far greater problem, made yours by association, that your wife needs help
and that's not something that you can be responsible for
you can suggest just enough as to not turn her off by instant denial
and upset the apple cart as it were
this is a convoluted and precarious place to be,
and for that reason, i say, i'm sorry that you're not going to stick around here or feel that people can just feel for you as a human being
without judgement
because that's the premise of everything that is good
and i'd like to think this is where we all should be
my first statement was that your wife was this way when you met her, you are a nice and fine soul who is not as shallow as to find physical fault with a person's girth, but you have found that you cannot control how your wife feels and acts, with anything that is bringing her down and diminishing her sense of self.
Do you stay or do you go? Do you now find that person that is more like you, so that you can feel really good about the rest of your days, which are only 20 years give or take? This is the problem, as i see it. and you're searching for people who see the predicament ,and do not recoil, but embrace your reality. And i do. I feel for you brother. Anything you need to talk about will be viewed with reserve for your position.
hahahaha love it. I'm going to use that. My dad used to sing it all the time.
Alala., honey , the thing is, as RR suggested, you seem to be pretty aggressively pursuing the poor me mentality, and
i think that might be because there is a far greater problem, made yours by association, that your wife needs help
and that's not something that you can be responsible for
you can suggest just enough as to not turn her off by instant denial
and upset the apple cart as it were
this is a convoluted and precarious place to be,
and for that reason, i say, i'm sorry that you're not going to stick around here or feel that people can just feel for you as a human being
without judgement
because that's the premise of everything that is good
and i'd like to think this is where we all should be
my first statement was that your wife was this way when you met her, you are a nice and fine soul who is not as shallow as to find physical fault with a person's girth, but you have found that you cannot control how your wife feels and acts, with anything that is bringing her down and diminishing her sense of self.
Do you stay or do you go? Do you now find that person that is more like you, so that you can feel really good about the rest of your days, which are only 20 years give or take? This is the problem, as i see it. and you're searching for people who see the predicament ,and do not recoil, but embrace your reality. And i do. I feel for you brother. Anything you need to talk about will be viewed with reserve for your position.
I'm glad to hear nothing of that nature happened to your wife. She just sounded a lot like my mom until you pointed out the weight issue.
Nurse girl gives some good advice. Unfortunately, you can tell your wife she's beautiful until you're blue in the face, but unless she finds a way to view herself as beautiful and learns to love herself, she's going to have a hard time expressing affection or taking those compliments because they go against what she has so firmly in her head as her belief about herself. She needs to seek some help and pick up some habits to help her feel good about herself.
As I've said before, it sounds like you love your wife. It sounds like you're doing your best despite the internet thing. Until your wife gets to a place where she realizes she needs help and that pushing you away isn't helping her, it's going to be hard going. It sounds like individual therapy needs to happen on both parts--especially your wife's--for a while and then some relationship counseling with a counselor you're both comfortable with once you've worked on yourselves for a while.
Nurse girl gives some good advice. Unfortunately, you can tell your wife she's beautiful until you're blue in the face, but unless she finds a way to view herself as beautiful and learns to love herself, she's going to have a hard time expressing affection or taking those compliments because they go against what she has so firmly in her head as her belief about herself. She needs to seek some help and pick up some habits to help her feel good about herself.
As I've said before, it sounds like you love your wife. It sounds like you're doing your best despite the internet thing. Until your wife gets to a place where she realizes she needs help and that pushing you away isn't helping her, it's going to be hard going. It sounds like individual therapy needs to happen on both parts--especially your wife's--for a while and then some relationship counseling with a counselor you're both comfortable with once you've worked on yourselves for a while.
Have you thought about explaining to her your needs and how much you love her? From my experience in my line of work, many woman that are no longer interested in a physical relationship with their husbands have no problem with them filling that void somewhere else as long as boundaries and her security in the marriage isn't comprised, meaning she knows that y'all's life together can never be torn apart by any other woman. Sounds to me like you would rather have intimacy with her. Now I'm sure many people will comment on this and have a lot of negative feedback and they are correct in a since, it isn't for everyone but I know this "approach" has saved many marriages from total destruction. Good luck and God bless
COMMUNITY LEADER
Some of the ladies have given really great advice here.
I was a little like rockrose. LIbido does come back.
I think we all know that our partner has needs but hormonal issues can make that difficult. My libido came back after I was done nursing my kids and even more as they got out of the toddler years. Something about giving it all to your babies makes it hard to feel sexy for your hubby.
I would consider having her talk to her doctor to check hormones. Also, if there is a chance she is depressed, that should be addressed.
And I'm a big fan of counseling for the both of you as a couple. Best of luck to you
I was a little like rockrose. LIbido does come back.
I think we all know that our partner has needs but hormonal issues can make that difficult. My libido came back after I was done nursing my kids and even more as they got out of the toddler years. Something about giving it all to your babies makes it hard to feel sexy for your hubby.
I would consider having her talk to her doctor to check hormones. Also, if there is a chance she is depressed, that should be addressed.
And I'm a big fan of counseling for the both of you as a couple. Best of luck to you
OP's own words...
" I think at this point...she really doesn't trust me and I have told her that the reason I do what I do on the computer is because I am lonely and she thinks this is because I am weak."
I think in some (very rare) situations, an open marriage arrangement works, however I think offering that as advice in THIS situation where there are already trust issues due to the OP's infidelity just doesn't make sense. Him broaching that topic with his wife would be a sure fire way to put the final nail in the coffin where their marriage is concerned I'm sure.
Just my two cents.
" I think at this point...she really doesn't trust me and I have told her that the reason I do what I do on the computer is because I am lonely and she thinks this is because I am weak."
I think in some (very rare) situations, an open marriage arrangement works, however I think offering that as advice in THIS situation where there are already trust issues due to the OP's infidelity just doesn't make sense. Him broaching that topic with his wife would be a sure fire way to put the final nail in the coffin where their marriage is concerned I'm sure.
Just my two cents.
I disagree. A WOmans Cytosis purely depends on the level of inadequacy she feels for herself in turn causing and endorphin produced phobia of trust for not just her partner in life but for anyone she holds value. Typically when Her cytosis is removed one of two things will happen; 1) she will relieZe being physically intimate may not be what she needs right now but it is human nature to receive intimacy on a regular basis therefor she doesn't see this as negotiate but a positive and helps the overall way she views herself as a woman. 2) More likley in this situation I would like to add, her endorphin levels and cytosis will rise at a rapid rate causing her to need, not want, physical intamacy therefor sparking those electrons in her brain that make you feel that "puppy love" once again. I absolutely love the way SM seems to have some sort of defiance to the Majority of my post but I would like to remind everyone my studies on Human behavior, not just children's, and the advice I give from it does not have to be taken by anyone who disagrees and I will discuss my reasoning behind them anytime.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Libido can control one's desire and libido is controlled by things such as hormone levels as well as depression and mental health issues. Often adjustments in hormone levels can raise a woman's libido.
By the way, is your wife on any medications? Antidepressants can also decrease libido.
I think it would be worthwhile to encourage your wife to see her doctor to discuss this. Best of luck to you.
By the way, is your wife on any medications? Antidepressants can also decrease libido.
I think it would be worthwhile to encourage your wife to see her doctor to discuss this. Best of luck to you.
" A WOmans Cytosis purely depends on the level of inadequacy she feels for herself in turn causing and endorphin produced phobia of trust for not just her partner in life but for anyone she holds value. Typically when Her cytosis is removed one of two things will happen; 1) she will relieZe being physically intimate may not be what she needs right now but it is human nature to receive intimacy on a regular basis therefor she doesn't see this as negotiate but a positive and helps the overall way she views herself as a woman. 2) More likley in this situation I would like to add, her endorphin levels and cytosis will rise at a rapid rate causing her to need, not want, physical intamacy therefor sparking those electrons in her brain that make you feel that "puppy love" once again."
With all due respect, none of the above makes any sense.
"cytosis
Type: Term
Pronunciation: sī-tō′sis
Definitions:
1. A condition in which there is more than the usual number of cells, as in the cytosis of spinal fluid in acute leptomeningitis.
2. Frequently used with a prefixed combining form as a means of describing certain features pertaining to cells; isocytosis, equality in size; polycytosis, abnormal increase in number."
http://www.medilexicon.com/medicaldictionary.php?t=22731
I've also never heard of endorphin produced phobia either.
I just don't see the correlation between your last post, and suggesting that the "answer" may be in an open sexual relationship?
With all due respect, none of the above makes any sense.
"cytosis
Type: Term
Pronunciation: sī-tō′sis
Definitions:
1. A condition in which there is more than the usual number of cells, as in the cytosis of spinal fluid in acute leptomeningitis.
2. Frequently used with a prefixed combining form as a means of describing certain features pertaining to cells; isocytosis, equality in size; polycytosis, abnormal increase in number."
http://www.medilexicon.com/medicaldictionary.php?t=22731
I've also never heard of endorphin produced phobia either.
I just don't see the correlation between your last post, and suggesting that the "answer" may be in an open sexual relationship?
I am currently posting from my phone and you are correct, some auto spelling changes were made and point did not c
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, appears to not be the correct word. Oh well, anyway, Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. We're all educated men and women here with our own life experience to offer what we feel may be helpful to someone.
I generally try to help couples stay together and remain faithful to their vows or commitment to one another unless someone is abusive to another which is a deal breaker.
Hope the poster and his partner can work this out.
I generally try to help couples stay together and remain faithful to their vows or commitment to one another unless someone is abusive to another which is a deal breaker.
Hope the poster and his partner can work this out.
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