Aa
my boyfriend has admitted he's addicted to porn. what do i do?
i have been with my boyfriend for three and a half years now. it seems like every aspect of our relationship is perfect... except one.
i've known for a long time that he watches porn, and seems to prefer it over sex with me. we very rarely do anything sexual now, and often times when we try it's a dud. we just moved in with his sister and her family, and for a while when i was working, i'd come home and just notice the little things, like my laptop was moved, the pillows are propped differently, things like that. he's been using incognito mode in google chrome on my laptop, so i no longer have a history to look at (a blessing and a curse really). either way i know something's up.
i recently had a long talk with him about it, and he admitted that he watches porn almost every day. he says it's a "leftover habit from high school", an "urge" he has sometimes. i got him to admit it's an addiction, and he's promised me he'll stop, or at least do it less. however, when i try to suggest strategies to help him stop (leaving a note as a reminder, whatever) he insists he just wants to do it by willpower, just "keep it in mind".
the thing is, we've had this conversation before, and he's promised he'll stop before, and it obviously didn't work. willpower just doesn't work.
i don't know what to do here, i'm at my wit's end. my self esteem is non-existent now, and i think about leaving a lot. i feel guilty though at the same time, like i'm controlling him or that sex is a petty reason to want to leave, but it's killing me. i don't know what to do if he can't stop this time. the disappointment will crush me. even just talking to him about it is hard enough; he always says "i just want us to be happy", like i'm ruining his mood or something, and i feel bad about it all the time. i know i have my own mental health issues to work out, which is already difficult because money is tight and i don't have any real way to start seeing a therapist again.
it seems like he wants to live in this fantasy world where everything is great all the time and his girlfriend totally doesn't care that he's looking at porn all the time and nothing ever bothers anyone, and i'm tired of pretending along with him. but i still love him, and i really want this to work. but i just don't know what to do. it's so difficult for me. i'm mostly scared that he's not really going to try to stop at all, and instead is just going to get better at hiding it.
does anybody have any advice? what should i do if i find out he's doing it again? how can i bring this up without seeming like i'm just nagging or controlling him? i just recently quit my job, so i'm home all the time now which might be a reason by itself for him to do it less. what about when i start working again?
please help me :(
i've known for a long time that he watches porn, and seems to prefer it over sex with me. we very rarely do anything sexual now, and often times when we try it's a dud. we just moved in with his sister and her family, and for a while when i was working, i'd come home and just notice the little things, like my laptop was moved, the pillows are propped differently, things like that. he's been using incognito mode in google chrome on my laptop, so i no longer have a history to look at (a blessing and a curse really). either way i know something's up.
i recently had a long talk with him about it, and he admitted that he watches porn almost every day. he says it's a "leftover habit from high school", an "urge" he has sometimes. i got him to admit it's an addiction, and he's promised me he'll stop, or at least do it less. however, when i try to suggest strategies to help him stop (leaving a note as a reminder, whatever) he insists he just wants to do it by willpower, just "keep it in mind".
the thing is, we've had this conversation before, and he's promised he'll stop before, and it obviously didn't work. willpower just doesn't work.
i don't know what to do here, i'm at my wit's end. my self esteem is non-existent now, and i think about leaving a lot. i feel guilty though at the same time, like i'm controlling him or that sex is a petty reason to want to leave, but it's killing me. i don't know what to do if he can't stop this time. the disappointment will crush me. even just talking to him about it is hard enough; he always says "i just want us to be happy", like i'm ruining his mood or something, and i feel bad about it all the time. i know i have my own mental health issues to work out, which is already difficult because money is tight and i don't have any real way to start seeing a therapist again.
it seems like he wants to live in this fantasy world where everything is great all the time and his girlfriend totally doesn't care that he's looking at porn all the time and nothing ever bothers anyone, and i'm tired of pretending along with him. but i still love him, and i really want this to work. but i just don't know what to do. it's so difficult for me. i'm mostly scared that he's not really going to try to stop at all, and instead is just going to get better at hiding it.
does anybody have any advice? what should i do if i find out he's doing it again? how can i bring this up without seeming like i'm just nagging or controlling him? i just recently quit my job, so i'm home all the time now which might be a reason by itself for him to do it less. what about when i start working again?
please help me :(
Frankly, I'd throw in the towel. Obviously he doesn't really care if he has a porn addiction or not, he only cares if you find out and even then, not enough to go to anything about it like see a therapist. I'd find another place to live and go. There are a lot of good men out in the world, you don't have to be stuck with the one with the problem.
Is he not working and viewing porn at home?
Hon, you are not equip to help him with this addiction; professional therapists are.......that's what he needs. If he is serious about quitting this then he should seek professional help. Even it he seeks professional help doesn't mean he will stop this immediately or ever. He might struggle with this for a long period of time.
Sounds like this situation is taking a toll on you. Did you quit your job because of him and this porn so that you can keep an eye on him? I so hope not. If you did, you need to really think about what this is doing to you and your future.
Yes, this is difficult and yes you love him and want this relationship to work, but all the love in the world from you won't alone stop his porn addiction.
Addictions usually have a lot of layers to peel back so to speak meaning NO lay person is equip to deal with them. Simple telling the person "please don't do that" or leaving notes to remind them not to do whatever isn't enough.
He needs more than "willpower"...... he needs a therapist. Offer this as a suggestion and see what he says. If he gets defensive and doesn't want the help, then you will have to decide are you going to be co-dependent to an addict? Are you going to give up everything for an addict who doesn't want help? Do you want to be an addict's keeper watching him day and night like a warden in a prison?
Hon, you are not equip to help him with this addiction; professional therapists are.......that's what he needs. If he is serious about quitting this then he should seek professional help. Even it he seeks professional help doesn't mean he will stop this immediately or ever. He might struggle with this for a long period of time.
Sounds like this situation is taking a toll on you. Did you quit your job because of him and this porn so that you can keep an eye on him? I so hope not. If you did, you need to really think about what this is doing to you and your future.
Yes, this is difficult and yes you love him and want this relationship to work, but all the love in the world from you won't alone stop his porn addiction.
Addictions usually have a lot of layers to peel back so to speak meaning NO lay person is equip to deal with them. Simple telling the person "please don't do that" or leaving notes to remind them not to do whatever isn't enough.
He needs more than "willpower"...... he needs a therapist. Offer this as a suggestion and see what he says. If he gets defensive and doesn't want the help, then you will have to decide are you going to be co-dependent to an addict? Are you going to give up everything for an addict who doesn't want help? Do you want to be an addict's keeper watching him day and night like a warden in a prison?
OVER-stimulation causes the brain to actually "re-wire" itself and create new neuro-pathways in the brain. The chemical neurotransmitter dopamine is responsible
The more intense the experience, the more dopamine is released in the brain. Dopamine is behind ALL motivation but when it's OVER stimulated we get addiction: porn, gambling, drugs, alcohol.
Perhaps abstinence will bring those levels back to where they belong:
Alcoholics have to give up alcohol
Drug addicts have to give up drugs
Maybe porn addicts have to give up porn?
Good Luck
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