What can I do?

[fiveanswers]

My sister has trouble learning. We have always went to the same school so I was still able to help her understand the material better. But now that we don't, it's been a little difficult. I try to help her as much as possible and I don't mind, because well, you know how some people say that you don't know the material until you're able to explain it? I like that it also helps me learn to understand my own work and how to talk and explain different concepts to other people. We talk over skype, the phone, and/or when I go back home, but sometimes I don't have time. I don't want want to sound like an *******, but I feel like it's only when I am with her that she would want to do the work. I think it's because the teachers and after school tutors are not as patient as they should be. So she habitually lies about studying, going to her lab, asking questions to a tutor, and even about personal hygiene matters. She always says "Okay", "I know" or "I will" (but she never does) It's an easy way out because my parents believe her.

She's almost twenty years old and I feel like she doesn't care as much I do. I always feel like it's my fault when she does fail. How can I teach her to ask for help from other people, alongside me? I just want her to learn to take care of herself. What can I do?

[brice1967]

Yeah, I'll agree with specialmom.  You've taken on too much of a roll in regards to your sisters education/learning.  I think that it is noble that you had been there in the past, but it does seem like a major dependency has developed.

As specialmom questioned, has your sister been tested for learning disabilities or even been diagnosed with one?  If so, there really is help out there, but like anything else, it takes a lot of work and follow through.  Being diagnosed is one thing, handling the problem is where the work lies.  That often is too intimidating for those trying to handle a personal problem.

If you help your sister at all now, I'd suggest it be with getting her help of her own through a professional of some sort.  You've got your stuff to handle, and adding hers is really too much.

I appreciate the love and respect you have for this girl, but getting her the professional help she needs screams that you love her and want the best for her.  Try to get her professional help, and get yourself back into your life and studies.

[fiveanswers]

Thank you very much for your input-it was very helpful. Thank you

[specialmom]

Hi.  Well, at first I thought you had the wrong forum but I think we can handle this here.  

You are not responsible for your sister and her learning.  All along, that was too much responsibility to put on you.  You are also a student and learning.  Now, if she asks for help, fine.  You've given it to her and it helped you understand what you were learning better yourself.  And maybe you have a gift for teaching and this will become your career path.  But you are not nor were you ever responsible to carry her academically along with you.  Your parents and she were in the wrong for expecting that of you.  

That you helped her in the past was a gift.  That she struggles now is unfortunate.  

It appears that she grew dependent on you and standing on her own intimidates her.  And, because she has always been 'helped' she doesn't have the drive or work ethic on her own.  Again, this isn't your fault.

I'd recommend that you stop helping her completely.  Tell her that you simply do not have time with your own studies and that she needs to find alternative help.  This may sound cruel but it is the very BEST thing for her so that she will become more self sufficient.  She is no longer a child really and needs to find within herself the will to learn and if there is a problem learning, get appropriate help to overcome it.  

For example, was she diagnosed with a learning disability?  Does she have low IQ?  I ask about learning disabilities because if she had been diagnosed with one years ago in primary school, she would have been given tools to learn on her own (as she should).  Or if she has a lower IQ than you and simply can't grasp the material on her own, then she shouldn't be in the same classes as you.  Your parents should have tried to help her in legitimate ways to allow her to grow academically on her own merit rather than letting it get to this point.

It would never be your fault if she fails.  She is responsible for her own life.  And one of the best ways to teach kids (I say this as a parent and from a psychological point of view) is to go ahead, let them make their own choices and mistakes and fail if it doesn't work for them.  If she fails out of school, she'll be forced to confront whatever it is that is going on with her and this is the BEST thing for her.  (and your parents too!)  

So again, take a step back and let this 20 year old be an adult and I think she'll grow in many ways that she hasn't previously.  good luck