need help

[eyesum]

I have been married to my husband for almost 4 years. We have had our problems in which I've (cheated) as he calls it yet I've never had sex with any other man.  I do love my husband but hes so intimidating. Its hard for me to tell him the truth about anything because I feel hes.going to get mad about. Hes a good man but I don't feel like we are equal partners in his eyes. I feel like I'm the wife who should do what he says when he says and be happy about it.  But I Wasnt raised that way.   He has been physically verbally and mentally abusive in the past and I guess I fear.its going to happen again even though it hasn't since about 3 years ago. I need help.  Please...

[eyesum]

You guys are awesome.  I appreciate everything and I do believe I need counseling. I do walk on egg shells afraid that if I speak my mind that he will get mad or even worse. I lie to him about the littlest things to try and keep the peace even though he may not even get mad. I don't take the chance. I feel like I can't be myself around him. I can't tell him how I feel or he thinks I'm getting an attitude with him.  Yes I've done my fair share of wrongs. But I believe that the things I did are because I feel I can't be myself so I look for someone that I can be myself with.  And like I said before I've never had sex with any other man but my husband.  Idk I just feel so confused.

[ku111]

You say the abuse stopped 3 years ago?  I don't know that it has.  You fear him and he is intimidating.  I don't know that it stopped or did you conform to what he wanted to make things better?  I think you need counseling to see who you are and what you want.  Abuse can come in many ways.  Just remember, life is too short.  You deserve to be happy with the one that is given.  You have the right to be happy and be who you are.  Maybe he needs counseling too.  But, first thing first, You!  Goodluck.  We are here for you.  ((hugs))

[vintagequeen]

Very good insight!!

[kendalmintcake]

Be honest with yourself.  Ask yourself what you want in the most simple honest way.  Do you want to tolerate physical abuse and fear?

Deep down you know what is right thing to do.  I think you are slightly in denial wanting others to validate your deeper thoughts.  Only you can truly validate them.  I think you know what they are.

Sorry, may not seem like much help.  However, I've faced some denial issues of a different sort and what I learned is that I always knew deep down the reality but wanted to believe differently.  Coming to terms and embracing reality is profound and very rewarding and one of the first things you discover is support groups who will help you with your problems because they (the members) have lived it and wish it upon nobody.

[vintagequeen]

Oh dear.. this is NO way to live. Living in fear and in intimidating circumstances, walking on eggshells all the time.. No, that sounds like a living nightmare to me. Relationships should be 50/50. You are a grown woman and should NOT be taking orders from your husband. Why didn't you leave when he raised a hand to you before, hun? You do not have to put up with that. He is your husband and should be protective of you. I am sorry but he does NOT sound like a good man. He sounds like a manipulative dictator. You need to stand up for yourself. If need be, go to your local women's shelter. If I were you I wouldn't live this way another second!
I wish you very good luck hun. I pray you get out of this abusive relationship! Private message me if you wish to. I am here for you sweetheart
~VQ

[specialmom]

Do you love him?  Are you saying you want out of the marriage?  I'm trying to understand the question.  If you have marriage issues, then I think counseling is a great idea to work on things.  

I'd have left when he physically hurt me but you chose to stay and it hasn't happened in 3 years.  So, what is pulling up the fear and feelings now?  Are you walking on egg shells?  

Are you wanting to leave him or save the marriage??

[eyesum]

No I've never had sex with anyone but him.

[4slenderthread]

After reading what you wrote, I can't help but wonder why you are in this marriage at all. You cheat - yes that IS what it's called, even with one guy. You don't feel like an equal, you find your husband intimidating, you don't share freely and openly with him. Lastly, you mentioned he has been physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to you ... but not for about 3 years now. Personally, I'm surprised he stopped - considering your cheating and the poor image you have drawn of him here. You MUST have seen the movie(s) "Sleeping with the Enemy" with Julia Roberts , and/or: "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez?? That's pretty much what you are describing here - except your husband stopped abusing you, at least physically. Abuse doesn't really stop - in fact, it gets worse. If you don't want that for yourself you have to make some serious changes. Yes, you indeed need help! You need to seek counseling - yesterday. You need to first help YOU,stop your 'cheating' and then decide what you want from yourself, your life and your marriage. If you take the assistance that's out there to help you mature and grow - then you can make the right decisions regarding the rest of your life from here on out. I do wish you the best. Take care and stay in touch!