sexless marriage

[nosev]

my husband and i will be celebrating our 5th anniversary this year. we have a 15 month old child. i'm sure this is no surprise, but our sex life has significantly diminished since his birth, though it was also going down during my pregnancy and 2 miscarriages before that. i know i'm partially at fault since i did reject his many advances often. unfortunately, he's gone in the complete opposite direction and has stopped any advances whatsoever. we have discussed this downturn in our relationship. he tells me he thinks about sex all the time when we have it occasionally. his sex thoughts are obtrusive, plus he said he's tired of getting turned down all the time, so he's just turned himself off. he thinks it's better not to have sex at all, then just occasionally. my major issue is that he's also turned off all affection to avoid arousing himself. our relationship has become mostly platonic. i've tried to make myself available, but we have such crazy schedules that sometimes we can go a week without physical contact, so he turns himself off again, and we end up going another month without physical contact. what's worse is that my son opened up my husband's bedside table drawer while playing and i saw a bottle of anti-depressants that he started a couple of weeks ago. i suspect he's taking them for this sex void, as he has shown no other symptoms of depression. i can't believe he's been driven to this and i feel horribly guilty and upset. i don't know if i should tell him that i saw his medication and ask him about it. i'm willing to make myself more available, but how do i help him with his sex obsession?

[VicUser]

Well said Lonelymom, I couldn't agree more.

[Lonelymom]

I am in your husbands situation. My husband has turned me down so many times until it has crushed my self-esteem and made me depressed as well. Having kids does put a strain on the marriage but it shouldn't stop you from finding ways to be together. If you don't put each other first you will end up apart.

Start making the advances towards him. Show him you do want him and find him attractive and pleasing. Make time for him.

Also he is not obessed with sex just because he wants it. He has a normal outlook on sex.

[SixStringer]

Children are wonderful, but having a child is very stressful on a marriage.  That, combined with your pregnancy issues and your rejections of your husbands advances, has created a problem that is often very difficult to resolve.  As mentioned above, if the love is still there, a solution can be found, but often to a man, sex is the proof of love.  I am greatly bothered by your phrase concerning your husband and his "sex obsession", as I see your husband as very normal and not obsessed.  Your husband had to go to a doctor and get diagnosed to get a prescription for his anti-depressant meds.  It is not something that has come upon him overnight, and is deeper than what you can see on the surface.  I feel his depression is due to lack of love (sex) and seeing his marriage go down hill.  At this point, possibly the only thing keeping him there is the child.  You say  " . . . i've tried to make myself available . . . ", but that is not working.  Your husband has lost hope, he's on meds, and your " . . . relationship has become mostly platonic".  Professional counseling might be advised or at least heart-to-heart talking with your husband, but for me, all the talk in the world cannot substitute for good behavior replacing bad behavior.    

[iam1butterfly]

You say that it's a "sexless marriage" but, is it a loveless marriage? If the Love is still there, try to find a way to re-establish the bond and connection that you both had... reach out to him; embrace him; spend quiet time together... the sex will follow.

[PromisedLand]

don't blame yourself for his depression...there can be a million contributors to depression and while lack of sex, or infrequency thereof, could be a contributor, depression meds can also be a contributor.  My wife and I haven't had sex in at least a year between her depression (brought on by a botched breast reconstruction surgery and resulting pain and other chronic pain) and my own depression brought on by who knows what..perhaps my former addiction to pain meds and the recent loss of my of
youngest son (26)

Work schedules and all of these things can contribute..is he seeing a counselor...see if he'll let you come along...or sit don and talk to him in a neutral place..restaurant, coffee shop, etc and see if you can discuss it..these things can take some work, but they can be resolved.

Good luck

Jim