how should i handle?

[sumdude]

Back in 1997 i dated a girl for about 8 months.  The relationship started detiorating after 5 months.  She revealed her "true" self.  Caught her lying several times, about little things for the most part. I felt like i took pretty good care of her.   During the 5th month, we argued about differences more and more and then started having "knockdown dragouts".  Towards the end of our relationship she frequently played mind games, lied alot and there were rumors she was sleeping around.  To be honest, I also slept around a bit.  After we broke up she called me and told me she was pregnant with my child.  I told her i didnt believe her because her words and actions became so undependable.  Still she would call and remind me. Finally I told her to make an appt at the Dr and i would go with her to confirm.  she said ok.  When it came time, she was nowhere to be found and stopped answering her phone.  I also confronted her sister about the situation and she said she didnt know anything about the pregnancy.  I was elated to be done with this girl and sang during the drive home.  
       2 years later, Im in the middle of RT school, on holiday break and I get a call from her.  After some small talk, she mentions that MY daughter has my eyes and also inherited some of my respiratory problems.  I started fuming over the phone and told her this wasnt funny and a sick game.  She said its no game.  I reminded her that i dont trust her and asked how the hell does she know im the dad?  She dated around at the end of our relationship.  Trying to be responsible, I asked her to meet up for a paternity test.  She said ok.  Few days later, I was unable to to get a hold of her, and she never returned my calls.  So I just threw up my hands and said whatever, and i considered the source.
        3 years later i came across her name.  I did some digging and found out she DID have a daughter like she initially told me.  I was shocked.  I found out the name of the child, date of birth and did some calculating.  Turns out it IS possible that I could have fathered this child.  I also noticed the child kept my ex's last name.  I told a close friend and she told me to ask public records for a birth certificate. I did that, but the office workers would'nt let me see the certificate and said my name was not on the sheet, and they wouldnt say who's name was on the sheet, if any.  So I threw in the towel and got on with my life.  
I took her statements about me being the father very serious and still think about it from time to time.  Im in another relationship, have no kids and am very happy.  But this still bugs me.  One night i got curious on FB and typed in my ex's name, and on her page was a link to her daughters page which i accessed.  I do see a resemblance b/ the girl and myself.  She still carries my ex's last name.  They live in another state and she's married with additional kids.  For some reason this really bugs me. Im a very responsible person and would take care of this child if she is mine.  But i feel if i tried to pursue her, my ex would just play more games.  I do recall back when she 1st told me about the pregnancy towards the end of our relationship, that she was scared i would get lawyers and try to take the child away.  Which I denied.  Right now I guess if the girl wants to seek out her real father, then its up to her and I have to play a waiting game.  IF I am the father.  Any advice? thoughts?

[sumdude]

thanks for your opinion.  will weigh options.  anybody else have advice or been in this kind of situation?

[Londres70]

I don't think you should try contacting this ex and frankly the situation would be too confusing for the child IMO.  Why upset this child's life because of these feelings and assumptions you are having?  As you stated yourself you don't even know 100% if this is your daughter or not.  Resemblance doesn't necessarily make this child YOUR child.  

Right now is definitely NOT the time to do this.  I would let this child contact you later (as an adult) IF she indeed is your daughter.

To add:  we surely can't speculate just because the child has the ex's last name that her husband isn't planning on adopting the child as this woman is MARRIED now and we surely can't speculate that this child would welcome you with "open arms."  

I just wouldn't upset someone's marriage and this child's life.  You have to think about ALL involved.  

Well, a child can't have too many people caring for him/her, HOWEVER, he/she doesn't NEED confusion, drama and chaos in his/her life EITHER.  

[sumdude]

Thanks for your reply Nighthawk61!  I know what your sayin.  However I feel Im at an impasse on what to do.  Thing is, my ex is a terrific liar, im also fearful that if u try to contact her on FB, she'll block me from her page and the little girl's.  I agree that a child should know her bio dad.  Im not sure how to take the 1st step, knowing that step must be very cautious.

[Nighthawk61]

I'm inclined to disagree with the above posters.The fact is that she has her mother's maiden name, so no man has adopted her, and therefore I think the child would welcome your attention.

I think the problems that you were having were on both of you, since you were both cheating, so while that may be a good reason to give up on thoughts of a reconciliation, I don't believe that it's better for a child to go without the biological dad caring either, and  I think if you're wiling to do everything it takes to look after your responsibilities, then you should, but only if you can. I sure wouldn't wait until she was old enough to search you out. I would do everything I could to let your daughter know that you are there for her now. A child can't have too many people caring for her.

[sumdude]

I appreciate your feedback!  Thing is, in the early stages of our relationship, I trusted her.  When I caught her lies about various things, thats when my trust began to wane.  At the end of the relationship, we were off and on, and there were efforts to rekindle what we once had, but she was constantly lying both to me and her friends.  She would make up stories and stand me up on dates, and thats when I said enough, im getting on with my life.  So how could i trust her when she said she was pregnant?  When i tried to follow up, which entailed Dr's visits and DNA test, she vanished.  How am i to trust her now if I wanted to connect?  And FYI I do want to be a father and would've loved to be her father.  I would even move to be close to her.  But like I said, my ex's word is undependable.  I Guess i must let the child make the 1st move when she's old enough.

[Londres70]

"So I threw in the towel and got on with my life."........That was probably best; continue that.  

I took her statements about me being the father very serious and still think about it from time to time.".......Well, if you did this you wouldn't have told her initially that she was probably lying.  

I would "let sleeping dogs lie."   Why upset the child's life and the ex's life at this point?

[specialmom]

Sorry, I got cut off mid thought/sentence.  Anyway, it's a lot to think about.  

good luck

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  Well, isn't this what you wanted?  You don't want anything to do with her, right?  You didn't want to be a dad, right?  You wanted to go on living as you wanted, right?

So, this could be your daughter.  You were immediately saying things like "you're a lyer" to her when she first told you about it.  You made your feelings very clear.  She had only a few options if she was pregnant.  Sue you for child support when you'd already made it clear you thought her a loser you wanted nothing to do with, terminate the pregnancy, or have the baby and go on living HER way.  She chose to have a baby and go on living her way.  

So, I'm confused.  On one hand she gave you what you wanted -----  to not be bothered (and I do respect that you tried to follow up but you probably did so with a tone that said it all to her) and on the other----  you realize that you could have an unknown child out there.  Who has no bio dad.  (which is really sad).

I would stop snooping.  I would do one of two things----  go on about your life as you have been and maybe in the end she will seek out her sperm donor father and you can explain your side of things to her OR you embrace the whole shebang and ask to meet her (whole shebang = dna testig, child support, getting to know her, possibly visitation down the road, do