Could it be that my boyfirend would be happier if I cheated on him?

[buggins]

I am a 49 y.o. woman and very happy with my partner in almost every way but sexually. When we do have sex it's generally very good but for the last 5 yrs of our 7 yr relationship it only happens about once a month. At first I thought he just had low desire, then discovered he was looking at internet porn daily and sometimes many times a day. That nearly broke us up but we got through it, with him promising to quit-- and I don't think he's doing it anymore.

We've had counselling about the low sexual frequency. He insists he does find me attractive and does enjoy sex with me, and says he wants us to have more frequent sex, yet it hasn't really changed in all these years.  It always seems like there is something more important--he's a very busy and productive person and would never consider staying in bed to have sex rather than getting up when the alarm goes off--day off or not. At night he's exhausted and snoring as soon as his head hits the pillow, most of the time.

Perhaps he just can't be bothered--masturbation is so much quicker and easier for a man--or is lying about finding me attractive. I try to keep myself in shape. He has gotten quite pot-bellied and out of shape and I must admit it's a turn-off. This combined with his apparent lack of interest in me has resulted in me feeling neglected and I've started thinking a lot about other men sexually, specifically one that I work with.

My boyfriends 2 previous wives cheated on him, and I just wonder if there isn't a pattern here of a man who doesn't think sex is important in a relationship. However he states categorically that he doesn't think we should have sex outside the r'ship. I'm very confused and feel defeated and also feel guilty about my attraction to my workmate, which seems to be getting more intense.

Thanks for any advice you can give me

[xx_BZR_xx]

wow, all i see is angry feminist comments.  it could be any number of factors: stress, low self esteem from getting potbellied, is he old?  maybe ED.  maybe hes just really mentally damaged from having been cheated on twice.  you know, the chances of him finding a girl that doesnt cheat are slim, its his type.  and you can break that streak, or you can be selfish and cheat on him.  do the smart thing, try to work it out with counseling, tests of low testosterone, etc.  if you give it an HONEST attempt, and nothings changed, move on.  

[jo929]

Just a question  Why would you waste 6 or 7 years and just live together do you guys not care enough to tie the knot or is it more convenient for both of you, as far as your question you will have to do what you think is right for you, because it sounds like he is going to do what he wants to and as far as porn  yuk   luck  jo

[BabyHardiman]

Plus you have a large amount of acne on your face, and you think swallowing semen is "gross", most women at the age of 45 know that swallowing semen is a turn on for men, specifically the man they are committed to.  I said "MOST", so I hope no one bites my head off for that comment.

Now I will go read your post on "dating this older guy".  

[BabyHardiman]

Because that is what is on your profile.  You do not look like, or type like a 45 year old woman.  Are you being deceitful for a reason?  You cannot gain respect from anyone you are giving advice to by fibbing about your age.  

I think you are more like 15 or 16, maybe 17 from the maturity of your typing.  Just wondering why you think you can give advice to adults when you sound like a child yourself.

Not trying to be rude... just curious.

[BabyHardiman]

Are you really 45, or is that your pretend age?

[buggins]

Thanks everyone for your help with this.

BabyHardiman--thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds very painful. I've had friends whose boyfriends avoided real sex, preferring masturbation, even before the advent of internet porn. Why are so many men withdrawing from the real world?

Thanks for apologising BabyH. You are right though when you say cheating wouldn't be the right thing to do.

As for how I feel about porn, though I was shattered by my own boyfriend's disappearance into that world, I don't necessarily have a problem with it if it's not violent or degrading and provided it doesn't become a solitary activity and a substitute for real relating between partners.

[treazzure007]

have you tried initiating sex with him?  i wondered if you were or if you were waiting for him to.  maybe it's that he has to get back into the swing of things and you need to kick start it.  yes, i do know that men can be lazy and enjoy a quick hand job rather than to wine and dine and rub us up for the pleasure but he's being unreasonable now.  you've been wonderful to stick with his mess this long.  if he rejected me 3 times on 3 different occasions, i'd just leave.  that's enough validation that it's no good and he doesn't care

[BabyHardiman]

Internet porn ruined my marriage, and you do not know how many times I walked in on him masturbating.  No matter how much I starved myself, no matter how slutty I made myself for him (including getting a breast augmentation) he STILL preferred masturbating over me, and I was 25 years younger than him, and in great shape.  When we did have sex it felt like it took hours for him to have an orgasm, and many times he would not "finish".  So, I think you are right when you say that "Especially since the advent of internet porn, it seems it is only too easy for a man to just be happy with masturbation and fantasizing."

Can I ask how you feel about porn in general?

I am the one who called you selfish, and I apologize.  In all honesty, I think that you know it is wrong to want to cheat on him, and you know that this would not make him happy as you've seen over the years since he was cheated on by his ex wives.  I really think you need to consider ending the relationship before you go through with an affair.  

[BabyHardiman]

Please re-read what I said to her.  If you need for me to clarify because you can't comprehend when you read, I will expalin -

[buggins]

Thanks everyone for you comments. Actually I wrote that he gave up the porn some years back, but still nothing has changed. Of course, he could be lying to me about it. it's so easy to hide things you do on the internet.

I know he still masturbates regularly, but he says this doesn't affect a man's desire for his partner and I'm just "prudish" for suggesting it's become a replacement for actual sex. I'm not prudish. It's just that it's obvious he prefers masturbation to sex with me.

To the person who thinks I must be selfish, I can only say, I'm not. I just wonder if my partner's apparent sexual withdrawal is a message that he'd rather not have to deal with this part of a relationship. So if I was "being taken care of" elsewhere it might take a big pressure off him.

Anyway. maybe I need to confront him with the fact that I'm thinking about another man a lot. As one of the contributors here pointed out, he may need to a bit more of a wake-up call.

Not that anyone here has said things like this, but I just have to say it always amuses me when I hear people repeating the cliche that men are mad for sex and women not as keen, when I believe there are a great many women out there like me who are neglected in this way, and too ashamed or embarassed to talk about it. Especially since the advent of internet porn, it seems it is only too easy for a man to just be happy with masturbation and fantasizing.

[suzi-q]

If you have had counseling and nothing has changed, and you find that sex is more important to you than it is to your partner, and you cannot come to an agreement with him, then I say it is time to move on.  

[BabyHardiman]

It always kills me how people, be it man or woman, will consider sex with someone else instead of ending a relationship that hey are unhappy in.  Why would this man deserve to be cheated on?  You sound very selfish for thinking about doing it.

Plain and simple, if you are UNHAPPY and you have voiced your feelings to him, and still he refuses to address the real problem, then BREAT IT OFF, but DO NOT CHEAT!  Cheating is not only painful to the person you do it to, but cheating will be painful to YOURSELF as well, that you would be so WEAK as to cheat on a humanbeing, then come home and face that person... while you still collect HIS paycheck and he still contributes to your household.  So, if your little co-worker floats your boat, then your partner is kicked to the curb???  Why not give HIM that decision, BEFORE you BETRAY him?!  No matter how you look at it you will be betraying him.

The porn issue is another beast that I just can't go into right now.  If you feel he has stopped his "habit", and you asked him to give up his "visual stimulation" and he has done so, then why would you consider cheating on him to satisfy yourself?  You should have left him alone with his porn!

[Cootos]

I kinda was in the same situation a few years back.... the first year was great! Sex everyday sometimes two or three times a day....then a year or so went by and his drive completely dropped although he was still able to look at porn and all that stuff....I noticed myself drifting to the point of almost cheating but I never could because I still loved him and I could never do that sort of thing to anyone....but the attraction became stronger and stronger with the other guy.....my b/f and i would constantly fight, I really didn't think we would last at that point....I always accused him of looking at porn instead of me, whacking off in the shower instead of trying to please me! He was completely aware that I was in need of some kind of affection..My self esteem began dropping daily because I began feeling unattractive to him and not worthy enough.... But something changed.... I don't really know what...maybe he realized he was loosing me slowly because i would always rather hang out with the other guy and all his friends.... I dont know....Maybe it was because he all of a sudden grew up ....or maybe it's because everytime we fought it was due to me and my accusations for not getting any attention physically or sexually.....in the end 2.5 yrs into our relationship something clicked because he began putting out not daily but at least 3 times a week and he would actually put his arms around me and hold me, he would do everything that every man should do to confort their wives....we are still together and happier than ever!!! It's been 4.5 yrs now and were married with 2 children....sorry for such a long story but I personally think that if you truly love him, try to make it work.... although if he's not going to try too then a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do :) Good Luck!!

[slow_healer]

It sounds like he's working hard to avoid this sexual issue. It sounds like he has some deep insecurity issues (coming from rejection in the past, ED, performance anxiety, etc. - it could be anything). Whatever the real problem is, he's choosing not to discuss it with you. You need to decide for yourself whether you're happy in this relationship. You can accept him as he is, or call it quits.

Based on your post, he may have performance anxiety. Being cheated on can leave huge scars on anybody. He might feel too anxious to relax and enjoy sex with you, if in his mind failing to please you would mean he's failing at the relationship. That could be why he turned to porn for a while (no pressure or rush to perform).

If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't cheat on him. That'll just reinforce all the negative feelings he already has inside. I'd just tell him plainly that this isn't working for you, and since you feel all avenues of resolving this problems have been exhausted, you're done with it. Leave the onus on him to deal with this problem, instead of letting him blame this problem on just another unfaithful woman in his life.

[cowgirlnerd]

No.  Not happy, make it work or move on.  

[mayflowers]

Who cares what your bf wants.  He doesn't seem to care.  You have needs and they aren't being met.  I would find a lover on the side to meet those needs.   He could be gay but not willing to admit it to himself.  You two would probably be better off as just friends.