my break up... when can I date someone else?

[Hypnoash6]

I just finished grad school and living in Florida for the past two years. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time in May. I was very unhappy in the relationship and gave it until November to decide if I was going to stay in Florida with him or move back to NJ where my family is. I just moved back to NJ, drove back with a friend who flew down and arrived at my parents house today. They still have a room for me so I decided to save some money while studying for the boards the next two months and live with them.

This is so hard for me because I have not lived home in 2 years and I feel like I am taking a step backwards moving in with them (I feel like I lost some of my independence). I all of a sudden feel lonely... for me it is hard not to have a partner and someone as close as a partner to talk to. I do not like being alone, I miss having someone to go home to.  I do miss my ex but I have known for a while now it was coming to a end and he knew since the week before Halloween.

I wish I wasnt so sad (this is the first time by myself since we both move out of the apartment last Friday). I dont know how soon would be too soon to talk to other guys. I know it would make me so happy because I want to be with someone but is it too soon? What do you recommend? Then I was wondering if I should wait until I find a job before talking to someone?  

My friends here are all in relationships so it makes it even harder for me. Everything in my life is just so different now and I have a hard time adjusting. I would love to meet someone and eventually have a apartment with them and get married (I dont know if Im asking for too much) but that is what would make me happy and not so lonely.

[specialmom]

Well, good luck with your pup!  I got one too when I was out on my own.  I worked for about a year and then got her and she was a great dog.  I had her for 18 years and she was just wonderful.  I think dogs help us in many ways.  And . . .  if you get your dog (that you don't have yet) trained before I get my pup trained (had her for 2 months)-----  I'm going to be mad.  LOL  It appears my pup is a bit stubborn!  Here is my last doggie advice-----------  wait until Spring when it is warmer out and there isn't snow on the ground!  This is seriously causing issues for my pup to want to go outside!  Yeesh.  (not to mention cold for me!).  But I think it will be nice for you to have something to love and care for.  They are such good friends------ our dogs!

Anyway, I'm glad you are seeing someone this week.  I think it will be really helpful.  Good luck

[Hypnoash6]

Thanks so much for the advice. I am going to start seeing someone to talk to this week who will help me through all of this. The last person I saw was worried I would jump into things before I am ready. I need to clear my head and I need to learn from myself (I guess kinda be selfish which is really hard for me). The puppy I know it is a big responsibility. I have been saving up for a while now and have done all of my research. I know some apartments dont allow dogs but I have already looked at all the pros/cons. It is a present to myself for finishing school, I have always wanted a dog. I figured since I will have these 2 months off will give me time to train him and give him the attention he needs :-)

[specialmom]

Hypnoash, It is sad to end a relationship.  I think that you were putting up with a lot just to stay in that last one to have someone and then even after he/you knew you were breaking up------- you stayed together almost like a couple out of comfort and convenience.  It IS nice to be with someone, don't get me wrong----------- but I agree that this is your time to be YOU.  You will have better luck attracting a quality guy if you take some time here to develop your own sense of self.  

I know it is stressful taking boards, finding a job (but OT's are very sought after), moving and starting over.  But look at this as an adventure.  An exciting new chapter rather than a period of miserable limbo.  

It is hard to move back home but it is temporary.  Go to the library to study.  Get that job.  Move out.  Side note------------  I wouldn't get a puppy yet.  Here is why.  First, one of our side businesses (me and hubby) is rental properties-----------  so as a landlord, we don't allow any pets.  You'll drastically cut down on where you can live and it will cost you more for a dog.  Other landlords in our area that will allow a pet charge an extra pet deposit as well as additional each month of rent.  Second, I'm a new puppy owner.  First vet visit?  125 bucks.  Next one, 60, next one 75.  Heartworm meds --------- 50 bucks for three months supply.  Grooming charge, 30 bucks a month.  Neutering?  200 bucks.  It's expensive.  Get your first job and apartment and establish yourself a little bit and then get your pup.  I'm a total animal lover and think you'll love caring for a dog----------- but give it a bit of time first.  Just my thoughts on that.  

As to a new guy?  Well, I think you can date whenever you feel like it but worry that you are actually  not looking to just date someone but want a relationship so bad that you might not make a great choice.  Look for this in yourself and any negative patterns you may have (particularly now that you've explained about your parents).  Make sure you are aware and ready to look seriously  at that to overcome it.  

But, I'd just get acclimated to your new living arrangements, take those boards, and clear your head before you start thinking about a new man.  good luck

[Hypnoash6]

Its a hard time in my life, turning  another chapter and not knowing what to expect. I just want to be happy and I should be but its so hard for me adjusting to change. Just not knowing where I will be in 3 months scares me because I am a very planned person. I know I am taking my boards the end of January then finding a job. It stresses me out living in my parents house because my mom is always fighting with my dad (just yelling at him for everything). My relationship with my family I feel is better when I am not living with them. I am just trying to put up with it until I find a job.
I am focusing on studying, joining the gym, and Im getting my first puppy in few weeks.

[sweetpea03]

Give yourself some time for you and focus on school and getting a job. Jumping from one relationship to another is not a good idea. You need to learn from this past relationship on what worked and what didn't, plus what you want in your next relationship. Take time to enjoy being by yourself and knowing yourself. You only broke up with you ex a couple weeks ago, that's not much time at all. It's hard when you are first out of a relationship and lonely, but I think it would be a very bad idea to just run to another guy just to fulfill the loneliness. Right now, do things you enjoy and try something new that you've wanted to do. Then when you are ready, you can start looking for a relationship.

[brice1967]

Having a partner is all find and dandy, but from your explanation above, it doesnt seem to have been the greatest of relationships.  Why settle for something less than ideal?  I mean, if you were very unhappy with the relationship, why be in a rush to come home every day.

When having a partner, there needs to be a few things.  Obviously there has to be an attraction, some compatibility, alot of mutual support, trust, etc.  Without these things, it really isnt much of a relationship unless its a "friends with benefits" situation.  That does not seem to be what you are looking for.

Focus on you for now.  A worthwhile relationship will come your way.

[Hypnoash6]

Thank you for the advice. What I really feel I need to do is focus on myself these next two months and finding a job, then start dating again but it is so hard when feel so strongly about having a partner.

[brice1967]

If you guys have broken up, any time is the right time for moving on and finding another relationship.

Dont take this the wrong way, and I am not trying to judge you.... but you seem really codependant, like you have to have someone else in your life.  Until you are comfortable in your own skin, you shouldnt be willing to share yourself...mind , body and soul, with anyone else.

And about moving back home.... big deal.  Moving back home will give you the safe environment to allow you to study for the boards.  Your parents are supportive, thats why they allowed you back in.  Take that for what its worth.  Your parents are helping you get through this time concerning your future.  

Get done with the boards, take a good long look at yourself, and then you can decide what you want.

[tbabi20]

I think when your stable and ready to move on is when you should. When we date a certain person for awhile we get accustomed to their ways and dating others seems odd. so you need to be prepared to be dating again, you don't want to bring baggage from past relationships. Be totally done and confident that you'll find happiness again.

You should never look at your friends but rather look at yourself internally to see if your ready for a relationship and you can give it 100%. It is hard to see others happy but you can't rush love before it's time - it just doesn't work that way.

Things happen in time and I believe that it's almost everyone goal to have a family but you again need to look at what marriage is. Pray about it and seek guidance of your family and possibly pastor. When you think about marriage you have to look at compatibility, at the factors that make success or failure. Marriage is a lot more than just love and it should never be done hastily or without sound judgment. It's a great decision that affect your happiness in this life and the world to come. Look for someone with a noble character, who is worthy.

Work on yourself - your character, address any hurt with forgiveness and more on in joy. The person whom your to be with will be drawn to your demeanor and will fill your void of loneliness.

:)