Porn addiction projected into reality

[ilovechopin]

Hi all, would need to elicit your advice on the following matter. Would really appreciate your thoughts and comments.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, he is 20 and i am 22. He has always been caring and attentive. We have not gone far on the sexual agenda, basically, no sex involved. This is because he mentioned about having to respect me as a girl and my body. I am his first partner he has experimented this with.

Back then, he was very easily turned on by what i wore, e.g. a tank top or slight exposure in flesh. He would  verbalize his intentions and how turned on he felt. He is a boob-man drawn to cleavage and breasts. Initially, we enjoyed the intimate experience together, with him ejaculating thrice in a day. However, my needs have not been well fulfilled as he lacks the knowledge to pleasure me and it is restricted to fondling and light petting. On two occasions, he has felt me down there, however, from then, he has ceased feeling me down there. Honestly, i was disappointed but i did not communicate my thoughts to him. Our intimate experiences invariably ends whenever he orgasms, with my pleasure being neglected. However, i was willing to make him feel good despite my own needs not being met. I had no idea how to approach this subject as i do not masturbate personally and depended on my ex to bring me pleasure. Also, he had an inclination to run away from problems he does not want to deal with very often. I'd have to literally force him into communicating.

Recently, he has been behaving rather strangely, easily irritated / angry, neglecting me when i wanted to talk on countless occasions, becoming less attentive. He began to invite me to view porn together with him, which I did but somehow he gave up on the idea in the midst of our viewing. I was then aware he was drawn to the "MILF" category and had a fetish for women with huge boobs. However, I did not oppose to his porn activities and was ignorant of the fact that this would lead to unforeseeable issues in our relationship. Following up with that, it has been getting harder to get him to orgasm in almost every of our intimate encounters. It used to be so easy to get him off. My instincts tell me he was exhausted and very much disinterested. Gradually, he was less aware of what I used to wear or act that would have turned him on, soon it was closing to the extent of total negligence. On a particular occasion, I verbally expressed the intention of wanting to be intimate. In the process, I attempted to bring him to orgasm and it failed despite my means and ways of trying. Instead, he simply took over and masturbated, ignoring my presence and bringing himself to orgasm on me. I was taken aback and really hurt, my self esteem close to zero. Then, I thought he might have been indulging in porn and was perhaps used to masturbating. Having spoke to him about it, he said he was tired and needed his way of doing it to orgasm. I was in a state of disbelief, hurt and felt really lost. I knew that exhaustion was no reason for that. I have been trying to get him to talk on three occasions, saying he has to trust and honestly tell about his thoughts on the problems between us or areas that I have gone wrong. I told him i would give him time. Each time, he sinks into absolute silence or attempts to avoid the topic. We have been physically distant for almost 3 months. He still cared for me in the similar fashion, always taking care of my every detail, where if i needed to purchase a shoe, he'd slip them off and on for me while i tried on many pairs. At the same time, our arguments have increased with me wanting to break up each time as he got really hot tempered and almost violent. I used the break-up excuse as a shield out of fear and he'd beg me to forgive him, which i eventually did as i loved him. He has promised to change his temper throughout time and i was willing to give him chances.

Recently, he has been texting this girl he used to fancy. I chanced upon a suggestive message of him inviting her for a swim and discovered he has lied to me on one or two occasions to be with her. I confronted him. He sank into silence and begged me not to leave him. Subsequently, he told me he did not love her but was driven by lust to invite her for a swim. However, he was turned down. I felt sorry for myself that he'd rather turn the attention on her than me. Besides, he planned an appropriate timing to swim with her and told her he had to leave in the evening, with plans to meet me thereafter.  My friend told me this was equivalent to 'cheating'. I was confused as to why he needed to lie and cover up his meetings with her as I have never deterred his outings with friends or this girl friend of his.  I questioned him, and it took him days to confess to me that he is addicted to porn and asking her for a swim was a projection of his lust. He said it was her because she had larger breasts than I do. However, he claimed he did not love and care for her the way he did for me. I was shattered and despised my own body and considered my 'assets' to be ugly and insufficient for him.

Upon hearing that, I was heartbroken. Here i was ready for him, yet he chose a different girl over me. My self worth was diminished entirely, and i felt so small and unwanted. I had always told him some day, I'd give him sex if he wanted it, this was a pledge of my love and trust in him. I feel so insecure and confused. For one, i detested a lie and cannot imagine what he'd have done or continued to do if she had agreed for a swim. Although he has confessed his porn addiction and projections of lust onto this other girl, a part of me feels he still does like her. The way he texted her was similar to how he texted me and it appears he has been reminiscing the past with her. I am confused between his like for her or his projection of lust onto her. Either way, he claimed he did not love or like her with the exception of lust. She wasn't pretty, but possessed wider breast and hips than myself. I would not consider myself to be lack of suitors/guys. However, i love him and i have not been eating or sleeping well as i feel really disturbed and lousy about myself. My self esteem has bottomed out.  I am worried if this relationship should continue with his dishonesty and unwillingness to talk, I would suffer really hard.. He has admitted he needed help with porn and would not touch it ever again. Also, he would not lie to me.

I am scared he has projected virtual porn into reality and this would lead to further consequences if he fails to quit. It is his inability to do so that has caused these. Although I am confused if it were just lust he felt for the other girl, a nagging part of me tells me he still feels for her. I told him i forgave him for this but i can't stop feeling lousy for myself whenever I see him. Therefore, we cant be together for now.. Should I trust him and give him another chance?

[perch101]

There is something fundamentally wrong here - you please him sexually on a regular basis ........ but he doesn’t reciprocate? Why? That is very unusual in itself - why wouldn't he want to give you pleasure like you give him? Why is it all about him? That must be very frustrating for you, and not great for your self esteem.
And then to lie about this girl he likes 'because she has bigger breasts than you'.......... I think you really need to have a good look at what you are getting out of this relationship. I think that if you were to leave and meet someone without these issues you would look back and wonder why you put up with this for as long as you did!

I know I probably sound blunt, but it just seems very unbalanced, and unusual that physically, its all about him and he doesn’t seem interested in pleasing you as you do him. I know I wouldn't be able to put up with that at all. And on top of that now he’s turning to porn................... really, I'd take a good look at him and what you are actually getting out of this relationship.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't think, at 20, he is mature enough for you.  I would consider gently ending it and working toward a feeling that you are a good person irregardless of what one other person in the world thinks of your body.  (It is just personal preference -- many men are turned off by fatter women, for example.  It should not affect your sense of self worth.  That should come from YOU, not him.)  Anyway, leave him and his problems for himself to worry about, and get back on your feet and do things you enjoy.  You'll certainly meet other guys.  

[brice1967]

Wow!  Youve got a lot of things that need addressing.  I am not so sure as to where to start.

Communication:  Communication is key in any relationship.  Where there is no communication and listening, there is not a healthy relationship.  (I recently found this out for myself and I hope nobody goes through what I put my wife and family through.)

Porn:  It is what it is.  I have heard of it being both a marital aide and the end of a relationship.  It's not very realistic of him to think that you life a life like the females in porn movies especially if you're not interested in doing so.

Ejaculation problems:  I've heard it said that some people can condition themselves to only be able to orgasm in certain situations requiring certain circumstances.  This may or may not be whats happening with him.


Cheating:  Cheating is not acceptable.  I am a cheater, and I almost ruined everything that is important to me.  I am fortunate enough to have the opportunity to make things right.  It is the hardest thing I've ever been through.

Only you can decide whats best for you.  I will say this.... go with your gut instinct.  Start a conversation about your feelings regarding the relationship and then you can better assume where you stand with him.