Addicted to porn

[magzs1112]

A few years ago I discovered my husbands porn addiction. And it made my heart race, and I was more hurt then mad.  We fought about this for awhile and he finally admited that he was addicted to sex.  He of course blamed his porn viewing on that we dont have enough sex.  So we went from 1-2x a week to 4-5 wk.  Last month (thanksgiving) I found that he had been viwing more websites and deleting the history.  I was disgusted and he blew up, cried, said he was sorry, and he would stop.  Of course I beleive him until last night.  All I had to do was click on "back" in the browser and came up porn websites.  I guess i am on of those women that hate it.  I feel its degrating to women.  I feel insure about myself as well.  I cant seem to let this go.  Last night he celebrated new years eve without me b/c i was to hurt to be with him.  I feel like this is ruining my marriage and he wont stop.  Therapy could help but we dont have the exta money.  We have been married for 6 years now and its tearing me apart.  IPlease help i'm starting to lose it!!

[healthylove]

I totally agree with you on your reply. Your responses were very helpful. You seem to be a very intelligent person who does their research and presents facts rather than fluff. Your response was helpful to me as I was researching the very same subject matter. Thank you! Hope everyone gets their problems solved. Good luck!

[mommyofthree547]

stooop... you're killing me!!!  It's like being slapped in the face>>
You are so right though :)
I'm in the same situation now, he just loves porn. I can't make him stop.
They talk so much bull crap - you are the only one who has a point!!  well, I think i'm gonna try that book you mentioned, hope my husband will read it

[savahnabanana]

To all of you who are saying - It's a man thing - or that's how men are --

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????

*********  It is NOT ok.  ***********

It affects relationships more than you realize.   Do some research on porn addiction and you will see, based on the results, more and more are coming forward with a problem with pornography.  Even EX PORN STARS!!!!!

So those who say it's ok - you are obviously un educated on the subject.  And stop posting a useless comment!

[misty1368]

i have been married for 5 years   when i frist found out about it   i was unreal to me , i even found out that after we had sex  the morning after if i left for work early he would watch pron then  it just made me sick , after trying to understand him and learning about him being addicted to pron i has come with this he why don't we make our own little movie  , maybe he will watch that and leave all them others alone  , how wrong was i to ever think that , . with out my knowing , he had gone  and post our private movie on the net on a sex website , when i found out about it and blow up , he gave me this i don't know why your up set with me  , i told him that i have be trade my trust and i was very up set i got the line for me , other men show of there wife and i want to show of my sexy wife

until this day its hard for me to have sex with him .   after he been on the computer  due to i don't know if he was on a pron site and im not having it any more im not sure how much longer i can due this  due to he will pick fights with me  due to not having sex 2 -3 tims a week  and if i say something on how i feel  i get  you should be over that by know  

[1toknow]

I am dealing with the resent discovery of my own boyfriends, 1 1/2 yrs, (possible 12 yr) pron addiction. Like I said pron has it's place, but the way I found out was upsetting. I walked in on him while he was viewing it while sick in bed, supposedly playing video games on his laptop. I had come in to tell him the home made chicken dumpling soup, I had just spent 3 hours making him, was done. I hugged an kissed him and asked how he was feeling. He replied still pretty lousy. I playfully said, "Oh, to bad. I was hoping something else would help more than the soup", as I gave him a little squeeze. He hide it best he could, but I could tell he had just lied to me when I asked what he was up to (because he was hard) and the quick click click closing the screen he was viewing, then closing the cover. I asked him again later what he was really up to when I came in - he lied again, and he knew I wasn't believing him. I let it go until the next morning (waiting a 3rd time for him to redeem himself) and asked for the last time. He finally told me. I was very hurt. Not surprised he viewed it but that he was doing it while I was trying to make him feel better. We had just had sex earlier that morning, which we usually do, plus I was only a room away. I'd have done anything he wanted, even oral if he was to tired to please me. He was only 20' away lusting/wanting, enjoying someone else's body, looks, moves, moans. sexually energy, while I was trying to make him feel better with soup. He didn't want me and that burns. He works out of town 4-5 days a week so is only home on weekends so he gets his alone satisfaction time plenty. So double burn on me. Told me he wasn't feeling well - but well enough to rub one out with having hots for someone else - burn 3. I feel totally disrespected.

This was the first time that happened. I cried a lot, still am 5 days later. I feel so deceived, so inadequate and don't like feeling I must compete or always keep up my appearance (make up, hair done, etc.) I'm seriously thinking of ending it. I'm not naive. I'm 46, was married to great guy for 20 and had 5 other long term relationships after my hubby died. I have a high testosterone level for a woman, so I've always wanted it more than any of the guys I've been with - extremely rare for me to say no to sex or position, etc, an I initiate more than they do - even the 26 yr old I'm dating seriously now. I've used porn a little myself, but mostly with partner as a couples spicing it up thing. I am actively fit (with medical weight problem from food digestion diesease) but only 15-20 extra lb.s. I am still a very attractive, educated, intelligent, caring, fun lady, with 2 teenagers. He is a very intelligent, handsome, caring 26 yr old guy, with a good job and his act together since we've been dating. He quit drinking and smoking so I'd date him and we've been inseparable best friends since. I know, I could chalk it up to his age of not really knowing, but I don't think it's an excuse. If he was hiding it, he knew it would hurt me, an he admitted he knew it, but didn't think about it til after the fact. Of course he said it has nothing to do with me, blah blah blah. He said the sex is way more important to me than it is to him an that he does it to please me. Well, that made me feel a whole lot worse. We have had some major lack of sex there for a few months then down to none for 2 weeks. I said I couldn't take that. He offered no real explanation as to why it was happening when it did. On the second week I said we have a problem an if we can't fix it in a few months then we should move on. He changed by the following weekend ... don't ask me what it was either. IDK. He does have anxiety and some depression (which can contribute to the lack of sex) and possible bi-polar (possible I said). He's was on medication a year ago for anxiety an depression and had been before. The med side affects are to great for him by the time the disorders are under control. He's bouts are more manageable "for him/us" without constant medication. With all the things he has going on, I didn't need porn addiction added to it. We are going to talk this weekend and I have set up an appointment to see my counselor. He sees a psychologist in a few weeks, but this isn't what original appointment was made for. Hopefully he will have the guts to bring it up in addition to what he's going for.

I don't know which is worse when he drank and lied and ditched me on dates (over yr an half ago) or now when he's pleasuring himself using someone else's image to do so an leaving me hanging not getting enough. Sex for me is like 50% of the deal. If you don't need me then why actually become a committed loving couple. I'm not gonna raise a family with him. He can have lots of girls if he wants ... which I guess is sorta what he wants by watching pron. I understand you don't have to put up with their b.s. after (I just go to sleep anyway). Don't know, I'm hurt, confused, an insecure now. My problem for how I feel, but his for disrespecting me. I hate the fact that now I will feel differently during sex with him. I don't feel safe that he won't hurt me emotionally or trust him or believe he actually wants to be with me. I know men who can have sex with just about most women (get it hard I mean) because it is a physical act an they are receiving pleasure. So I know, even if he says see you still get me hard, it's you I want ... not really babe, so can my next store neighbor. It will have little meaning now and for that I am very sad.

Guys would you appreciate your sig/others keeping secrets, sneaking off to watch younger, great looking, hot, sexy, built men with big dics and getting off on it everyday.Tthen be not so into sex with you or have nothing left to give you at all. Even if she did cook dinner and was willing to watch your favorite sport or movies later or whatever it is you appreciate her for? Even if you watched porn with her, and sex would happen between you, but you weren't sure she was really there or just going through the motions? What if she wasn't having an orgasm when you guys had sex anymore? What if she finally told you she was faking it with you after you knew she was watching a lot of pron and getting herself off? What if she only got hot an bothered after watching pron now? Don't tell me you wouldn't start to feel inadequate and wonder what you didn't do right or what they've got that you don't, etc? Would you want her to stop? If she didn't, then what? If she hide it even more, then what? What if after all these years together, you found she had liked porn but didn't tell you and that she had met a guy online (say before you met) in a chat room, that sent her home made videos of himself for her to view. She had a collection of this guy, but had never met. Would you care if she continued to view it? What if she was more sexual than you, higher drive, attractive and got a lot of attention when out, and viewed porn before she left the house? Would any of these situations make you doubt her or yourself in anyway?

T.

[1toknow]

I wish all of this were as easy as 1,2,3 as many think. It bothers some an not others that their sig/other gets off while watching/lusting after someone else. To each their own. No one solution will fit all and not all circumstances are the same. I believe the original poster is trying to say how she feels about it, and asking for suggestions on how to either deal with it or help him get over the addiction and herself get over the insecurities. Addiction is not the same as occasionally watching it, and watching it and hiding it is not the same as being asked to watch it with him to get over it. She states how it makes her feel (bad, hurt, inadequate) when he does it and that she's tried to discuss it and offered and tried solutions. Yet, he continued to hide it (deceptive) and lied.

Key factors as I see it. Deceptive, lied and knowingly doing something you know will deeply hurt your sig/other. Having an addiction to it is serious. Addicts have certain personality types and traits. And when they stop one addiction they usually start up with another. They are always in need of finding ways to cope and control their behavior and need support in doing so. There's a huge difference between being an enabler and actually helping them, learn the differences to help, and be strong. Take steps to help yourself first. Counseling if he won't go with you, go alone (clergy or ones that do pro-bono work or sliding scale fees). Educate yourself, and become active in doing things that makes you feel good. You have to be prepared to walk away if he can not change and you can not live with the lies and deception.

I do feel pron has it's place. In my opinion, if a single person not in a committed relationship uses it or if a couple uses it together, or if a loving, sexually committed partner with consent that his sig/other doesn't mind uses it - then it is in it's place. If it is being used and hidden, lied about, hurting the other partners feelings while being used, being abused (as in, it makes you lose sleep, work or your other normal daily activities) it has no place and is a problem.

Men and women alike often say porn, it's a "normal" thing. Or a guy thing. Guys are wired differently, blah blah blah. I say that's a cop out. It's what we as a society have let become "the norm" as it is easier to stay in the dark and easier to agree with than face it's ugly consequences (an the loss of a huge money making industry). Pron has been around since ancient history yes, but the norm? Now masturbation IS a normal thing. I do it myself when he is gone, an I don't need other peoples images to do it with either. I'd rather use some of my boyfriend. We need masturbation to stay healthy, we don't NEED the porn. It doesn't have to be tolerated if it hurts you and the relationship. We all have capacity to change ... if we want to, but we have to want to. If the relationship is worth saving to both and porn is hurting one of you get educated, get help.
T.