Totally in Love, Married for 20, No sex in a Year

[mocha2u]

Do you think its possible to have a sexless marriage? My husband and I are totally in love with each other, but our marriage is not and has never been based on sex. It has almost been a year since we have had sex (be a yr in June). But it doesn't really seem to bother us much. We don't talk about much, we kid with each other about it, and we often cuddle, do the feel and touch thing all throughout the day, kiss each other every morning and every night, but still know intercourse. I know sometimes its our timing because either he is very tired from work or I am busy up doing school work. I don't know should we seek help? I have masturbated in place of having sex a few times, only because I knew either he was tired or his back was really bad and I didn't want to disturb him. Just wanted to know what others thought about my situation.

[fluker]

It is quite possible that your marriage is shifting to a "companionate love" phase - commitment plus intimacy.  Things can grow quiet for a while .  For some couples, that is seen as good and fine.  Other couples get distressed.  If you are distressed, a referral to a therapist or counselor would be in place.  Talking about it is an excellent start.  Is it unusual for a man to not want sex - the thought that a man must always want sex is a stereotype.  Yeah, we like it but not always.   However, if the feeling is really gone, there could be physical reasons for it.  In my case, my doc found that my testosterone levels were normal - for a 150 year old male!  Other things to check:  is stress high at work - this can have a VERY negative effect. For myself, we have to go on vacation and STAY AWAY from cell phones, blackberries, iphones, internet, computers, etc  -  because that will always be a stressful and aggravating factor. (and yes, when you have a blackberry - you do check your work email while on vacation - haven't met anyone yet who hasn't if they bring their BB with them.)

[kathi42]

To be honest with you, he is  probably having sex with another women and keeping it very secret, How I know because I was in that same situation. where my husband really love me and show nosign of cheating, but he never pressure me about sex, altho he would kiss me every morning before going to work and send me flowers and tell me how much he loves me and  he always thank god for our marriage, just to find out that he was cheating all the long  I could never imagine that he was cheating, there were no sign at all, I advise to you is to  just use her best judgement because it is very unsually that a man doesn't want sex. and we was married for 23 years

[kahaweris]

I think u are un amazing woman and i liked the way you respect ur husband,i think u want to talk about this i dont know how u feel about him talking about it.but you realy need to talk about this with him and discuse how u can get help you two love each other so he will understand...and who knows maybe hes waiting for u to say something just talk...wish u all the best cheers

[fission]

I think that it is based entirely on what works for you and your husband. From your post, there doesn't seem to be any tension or anger or ill will towards each other about not having sex. Intimacy is a beautiful thing but often gets confused with sex. I don't think you guys need 'help' because it isn't bothering you or your husband. If you feel like your in the mood, why not initiate something with him. I wouldn't be surprised if he was in the mood at times but didn't want to feel like he was bothering you either--kwim? If you are concerned about his back then try dominating the mood by getting on top or maybe in a spooning position. But honestly, I think that you and your husband have something most don't that sex cannot break one way or the other. I say no worries...unless it is something you'd like to see changed.

All the best!