I’ve had this suspicion for a couple years now that I was sexually abused as a child. I’ve read multiple lists of signs of childhood abuse online and i always seem to relate to all of them, but i have absolutely no memory of sexual abuse.
I haven’t told anyone because I’m afraid they will just think I’m trying to come up with an excuse for the way I am… Sometimes I wonder that too.
I have masturbated since I was around five years old. The first time I remember doing so is watching a movie with a woman tied up by a man. Whenever I thought about that movie scene, I had to masturbate (dry hump). I would get in trouble for doing it because I had no idea obviously that it was a sexual act. I did it in school constantly (even up to 6th grade!), and besides when i was thinking about bondage, i did it when i was frustrated. I can’t remember how often i did it, but it had to have been at least 4 times a day, mostly when i was secluded in my room so none could yell at me for doing it.
I am now 15 years old and I masturbate on average 6 times a day, if not more. This is particularly when I’m doing homework and I’m stuck on a problem, when i feel overwhelmed by whats going on in my life, or especially when I think of bondage. It is affecting my grades, because i spend so much time masturbating and am constantly distracted by it. It’s completely out of control. I had cancer when i was 10, so maybe thats the reason i don’t remember much of anything from my childhood, but i don’t know for sure. My doctor says it’s dissociation. (but even before my cancer, i had always just blocked out the world) I still do this, creating multiple romantic fantasy worlds in my head that i retreat to when in a stressful situation. I am also depressed, have anxiety problems, get uncomfortable when other people touch me and occasionally self harm.
I’ve always had this weird suspicion about my alcoholic uncle abusing me as well. I feel crazy because i have absolutely no memories of any kind of abuse but for some reason my thoughts always go back to him. I’ve always felt oddly uncomfortable around him, and feel guilty for trying to dump my problems on him. I need help and need to know if I’m just crazy or if i might have actually been abused, but i have no idea how to do so.