How to deal with a sexless marriage - advice sought

[WBWB]

Hi!

I am wrestling with a particularly difficult question, and seeking input from others on the topic.

Here goes.

Due to my wife's physiological problems and psychological issues, we have not had sex for 7-8 years (I've lost count of time). It is clear to me that we never will again. Despite this, I stay with her for many reasons; her many good qualities, our common interests and companionship, and the fact that we still love each other.

I have coped as well as I can over the years, but am quite frustrated; as you can imagine.

I do not want to leave her and I do not want to have an affair; having done the latter in an earlier marriage and seen first-hand just how bad the fallout was. I have talked with her at length about getting to a sex therapist and got her to the point of capitulating on the topic ... then it hit me that having sex with a person who was only doing it under duress did not appeal to me at all.

The options that remain, as far as I can see, are:

1) Giving up on sex entirely.

2) Having covert sex with a prostitute behind her back.

3) Yet again putting my needs on the table and demanding that she either do something, or I will start relying on prostitutes.

As you can imagine, I haven't been able to swallow #1. The deception and decit involved with #2 -- and the risk of disease and discovery -- make it unpalatable to me. Meanwhile, #3 seems absurd: If I make such demands and openly go to third parties for sex, the damage to our relationship will be huge. (And frankly, I don't really want to go elsewhere for sex.)

This is my dilemma; any sage advice would be most welcome!

[katarina777]

I feel for you. there may be another option. I used to read the singles ads in our alternative newspaper, and which were  not as straight and narrow as in the other paper. One ad was by a man who said he wanted to have a sexual relationship because his wife was sick, and that she not only gave permission but even encouraged him. Now, if I were your wife and I was unable to have sex with you because of my own problems,then I would feel the same way as stated in the ad. I would want you to have sex, and not keep that secret from me. And I would much prefer it's not some prostitute either, of course, if I really care about you. And, I really would not mind and I would trust you, and I would not feel less close to you.  I would want you to have your needs met, because if you are happy then that would make me happy. You seem like a really, really nice guy. I would not go behind her back for both of your sakes and I understand your other concerns. What is her helpful advice to you, if any. She must have some empathy for your situation, or not?

[thepixies]

Don't see myself as much of a sage but here's what I think.

First off, you shouldn't assume you will never have sex with her again. Secondly, the whole point of getting her (or you both) some therapy, isn't to kind of "talk her into it" so you can have some fun. The objective should be to help her so she can WANT to do it, so she enjoys it, and then you will both enjoy it.

As far as I know, sex therapists are more about helping improve sex lives and things specific to sex. I wonder if maybe your wife is having enough basic psychological help with her problems? Most physical problems should be able to be treated at least to some extent. And it's the same with her psychological ones too. Really, I think if they were addressed sufficiently by doctors/professionals, then maybe she would feel better and would actually want to have sex again.

I think if you could get to the point where she was feeling physically and mentally capable of having sex, but still didn't want it, then at that point, that is when you go to see a sex therapist. And I am sure a good sex therapist would get you both going again. I'm not sure if you would both want any relationship advice or not, but that is an option too.

I suspect if she had to stop having sex because of physical and/or psychological reasons, then while those reasons still exist, you aren't going to have sex. So you need to address those problems she has. And when those reasons have gone, she will then probably need some therapy to help get comfortable with the idea of having sex again and so she is confident to do it.

All that is achievable unless there is something I'm missing. The hard part is for her to deal with it all, and for you to help her through it. And in the meantime, I think you need to get some porno action! Don't give up.

[remar]

yes this does sound like it's very difficult for you. therapy sounds like a great idea if you can get your wife to go. the other options sound like trouble, sex outside your marriage. what about romantic dinners, flowers, holding hands and a kiss just to say i love you? i hope you can work this out with your wife. take care. remar