Aa
too nervous to have intercourse
Hello,
I'm really nervous and quite embarrassed to write this question down--eventhough it's really anonymous. I've been married for 5 years and haven't had sexual intercourse with my husband. We've done other types of sexual activities--touching, oral sex, etc. But each time we try to have intercourse, I get very nervous and it starts to hurt when he's starting to penetrate so I stop, push him away, etc. I told him a while ago that we had to make a schedule so that I could just do it already. But I was the one who never followed through with that. So, of course, he stopped trying. I really do want to have intercourse with him. When I masturbate, I am fantasizing of having intercourse and want to do it. But, then when I try, I get all nervous and can't bring myself to go through with it because I'm afraid of the pain. I feel so stupid and like a total failure in this area of our marriage. In fact, he has told me that he has fallen out of love with me because of this and no longer wants to have sex with me. This really breaks my heart, but I have no one but myself to blame. I talked to my gynocologist a few years ago about this and she said that I don't have any physical disorder--when I have a pap test and a regular gyno test, that is fine--it is a little uncomfortable, but nothing terribly painful. She says I need a lot of foreplay and lubrication. I don't know what to do. I feel very stupid even admitting this. I guess I have 2 questions--one physical and one emotional. How can I just make myself do it and get over the fear of pain? But, how can I make my husband want to take a chance on me and let me do it? Now the problem is not just sex, but feelings. I hope this makes sense. It's getting long, so I will post it and hopefully someone will respond.
I'm really nervous and quite embarrassed to write this question down--eventhough it's really anonymous. I've been married for 5 years and haven't had sexual intercourse with my husband. We've done other types of sexual activities--touching, oral sex, etc. But each time we try to have intercourse, I get very nervous and it starts to hurt when he's starting to penetrate so I stop, push him away, etc. I told him a while ago that we had to make a schedule so that I could just do it already. But I was the one who never followed through with that. So, of course, he stopped trying. I really do want to have intercourse with him. When I masturbate, I am fantasizing of having intercourse and want to do it. But, then when I try, I get all nervous and can't bring myself to go through with it because I'm afraid of the pain. I feel so stupid and like a total failure in this area of our marriage. In fact, he has told me that he has fallen out of love with me because of this and no longer wants to have sex with me. This really breaks my heart, but I have no one but myself to blame. I talked to my gynocologist a few years ago about this and she said that I don't have any physical disorder--when I have a pap test and a regular gyno test, that is fine--it is a little uncomfortable, but nothing terribly painful. She says I need a lot of foreplay and lubrication. I don't know what to do. I feel very stupid even admitting this. I guess I have 2 questions--one physical and one emotional. How can I just make myself do it and get over the fear of pain? But, how can I make my husband want to take a chance on me and let me do it? Now the problem is not just sex, but feelings. I hope this makes sense. It's getting long, so I will post it and hopefully someone will respond.
I don't know where you live but I would schedule an appointment with a sex therapist. Yes I know it would be embarrassing, but I think it would do both of you some good. Therapy can teach you how to get over your fear as well as teaching you how to be in love again. There sex therapist in most bigger cities, so if you live in a small town, make a nice trip out of it and spend a couple of nights in the city together. I can tell you that once you do give yourself permission to continue, you are going to be glad you did. Sex is a wonderful thing and it brings you even closer to your partner.
Your problem is a lot more comon than you think. If you look in the archives for this community, you'll find a lot of information on people who have the same problem.
It can be physical or emotional...or both.
There is a psycological disorder called vaginismus, when your body tenses up and becomes rigid to prevent penetration from happening. It can be overcome by therapy and other techniques to help you relax. If you've had some sort of abuse in your past, it can hinder your ability to trust, and to let someone have sex with you.
There is a physical condition that might be to blame. Have you ever had sex? If not, you might have an abnormally thick hymen that can cause painful sex, and can sometimes even prevent women from having sex all together.
As for your husband, you need to tell him that you're having trouble with this, and you want to work with him to help get you past it. Tell him you are going to trust him to stop when you're feeling pain. Don't go fast. Take all the time you need. Lubricate everything and just take it slow. If you feel pain, just think of something positive. Think of how much better you'll feel after you finally do it.
If you need more help, or if you have any other questions, feel free to message me.
Best of luck.
It can be physical or emotional...or both.
There is a psycological disorder called vaginismus, when your body tenses up and becomes rigid to prevent penetration from happening. It can be overcome by therapy and other techniques to help you relax. If you've had some sort of abuse in your past, it can hinder your ability to trust, and to let someone have sex with you.
There is a physical condition that might be to blame. Have you ever had sex? If not, you might have an abnormally thick hymen that can cause painful sex, and can sometimes even prevent women from having sex all together.
As for your husband, you need to tell him that you're having trouble with this, and you want to work with him to help get you past it. Tell him you are going to trust him to stop when you're feeling pain. Don't go fast. Take all the time you need. Lubricate everything and just take it slow. If you feel pain, just think of something positive. Think of how much better you'll feel after you finally do it.
If you need more help, or if you have any other questions, feel free to message me.
Best of luck.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Sexual Health Community
Millions of people are diagnosed with STDs in the U.S. each year.
STDs can't be transmitted by casual contact, like hugging or touching.
Syphilis is an STD that is transmitted by oral, genital and anal sex.
Discharge often isn't normal, and could mean an infection or an STD.
STDs aren't transmitted through clothing. Fabric is a germ barrier.
Normal vaginal discharge varies in color, smell, texture and amount.
