My name is Jessica, I'm 14 and depressed (I think) I also have some form of anxiety. My brother is 12 and he is also depressed. On Friday the 25th of April 2015 my parent told me and my brother that they were splitting up however it wouldn't be for another year or two until my dad will be moving out as he didn't have the money then. I was also around 10 stone at that time so I was a bit overweight. It didn't really bother me that ny parents were splitting up, maybe because I knew my parents were still going to be legally married since they probably won't ever get a divorce. However it affected my brother and he became depressed and started crying at school saying he wants to kill himself etc. At first I was just confused and one of my best friends says she thinks he is overeating but now I know he wasn't. He was and still is quite overweight and I have said multiple times that he needs to lose weight and now I feel extremely bad because his weight was something that was also upsetting him. I was losing weight, once I got to 9 stone 4 (around the weight I am now) I was happy but then I ended losing a bit more weight, I got down to 8 stone 4 by January, but also in January my dad moved out and I started to binge, not because of my dad but because I knew I was 8 stone 4 and thought that overeating one time wont hurt, but obviously binging became a thing and now I've gained a stone. Which makes me feel even worse about myself I started to get really depressed after I had only gained 3 pounds and was paranoid that I looked huge even though it was only 3 pounds.
Going back a bit to September there was something that happened in P.E and the school I think somewhat sorted it out. However on November 9th that's when the bullying happened, these three girls kept moving mine and my best friends things which made my anxiety worse because me and my friends would always get changed before the girls so every time we left the changing rooms I would feel so worried that they were going to do something again but this time worse. One of the girls got moved out of my lesson and the other one has recently moved school. So P.E is much better however the bullying stressed me out so much and raised my anxiety which has played a part in how I now feel. The week my dad moved out one of the girls really upset me she called me "dog" and while she didn't do much I was extremely irritable and sensitive that day and because of the I an more sensitive and irritable as it is. I found it hard not to cry at school that day. Me and my dad saw this teacher who deals with bullying and she said she would give me a timeout card by Monday but it wasnt unto thursday that I got it,the timeout card would allow me to leave the classroom if I wanted to for 5 minutes. It also took her until Friday to talk to the student. Even though she said she would have dealt with it before then. Yes she may have been busy but she has promised multiple times that she will something done by a certain date but hasn't.
Anyway the first time I really got sad was when i binged one day and regretted it so much, my dad just passed it off as a panic attack and a few days after it happened ny dad forced me to talk and wouldn't let me downstairs until I told him why it happens etc. Even though he knew i didn't want to talk, in my opinion you should never make someone talk about the depression as it could make them worse. It made me feel worse. The next time I cried was on my dads birthday which was the first time I self harmed, I ended scratching myself which may not seem like much but it's still a form of self harm. I didn't want to ruin my dad's birthday so I didn't say anything. The time before that I cried I told my mum and she tried to get me a doctors appointment but she couldn't get me one.
A while later I finally saw the school nurse I explained how I felt etc, I ended up crying and I told her a bout my brother who later said he didn't want to talk to her. I saw her again, I was originally not going to tell my parents that im seeing the nurse because I didn't want my dad to force me to talk again. But the nurse finally made another appointment with me and she said that she is referring me to a specialist who deals with loss and separation, I just agreed to it even though I would rather not see someone else especially since the first appointment is miles away from where I live. After seeing the nurse the first time I got really bad and I got the scissors and I scratched myself on the leg and it left a mark, if anyone saw it then I could say my cat scratched me since it looked like a cat scratch. I was probably the worse I had ever been for about 3 weeks until the nurse saw me the second time. I was so suicidal during that time more that usual. However a couple of Mondays ago I had a weird feeling of hope and somehow that lasted for a couple of weeks but I knew I was still depressed. But a few times during the week I almost broke down in tears, at one point I realised I could easily strangle myself and for a second I considered it, and I don't regret it. The school nurse knows I'm suicidal and both times I saw her she asked if I gad ever self harmed and I lied and said no as I'm not ready to tell anyone face to face except my brother that I've self harmed.
On Friday I was talking to my brother and he has also self harmed, twice I know and the he recently cut himself the other day, he is also extremely suicidal. I'm worried that my dad will see the cuts and I know if he does he will force my brother to talk. Today I started crying but I wasnt really thinking about the things going on in my life, yesterday I just wanted to cut myself again even though I wasnt feeling particularly sad.
I don't know what to do I want to say something but I can't during the period of time that I felt a bit better I was open about it, but not everything I just told my dad that I cry a lot. You may not be able to help me but I just wanted somewhere to write my feelings other than my diary.