Before saying anything else,I would like to thank my good friend wellb that got me trough the rough times I spent thinking of death.I have not heard from her for 8 months.I would like to talk to her again.
Thank you wellb.
To start this off I just wanted to say that I haven't visited this forum for almost a year and a lot has happened since then.
I am now 14.I am from Croatia,Europe.
I need help.
This might get a little bit lengthy.
Alright,so,a year ago I smoked weed out of curiosity.Not one time though,it was 4-5 times.
The first time I felt nothing and the second time I felt a buzz and I was laughing my *** off.The third time was incredibly torturous.
I was laughing and laughing and then suddenly I just felt like all my emotions were gone.I started freaking out.
I was really depersonalised and derealized at that point.It didn't help that my friend thought I was joking and started telling me how I was in a coma and he's talking me trough some new technology and everything is but a projection created by him(to this day I think I'm in a coma even though I know I'm not and I continuously search for evidence of this subconsciously).
The first two days after that I didn't know what was going on and I was searching the internet for what is happening to me,for a cure even.
I learned about the dissociative disorders also known as depersonalisation and derealization.
I had to go to school the next day and I felt like there was a huge battle going on in my mind.
I got an F in math and then I just surrendered the fight.
I was so anxious and terrified of being among all these people and that's when my coping mechanism kicked in.Suddenly,I stopped sweating and I wasn't anxious anymore.All other symptoms remained though.
The fourth and fifth time I just got really depressed and anxious when I smoked but it stopped in a few hours.
My coping mechanism works in a such a way that as soon as I feel depersonalization coming back I just kinda push it and try to contain it in this little cage.It requires an incredible deal of concentration.
I feel as though trough this year this has been building up and it's just gonna explode one day and I'll go insane.
I've been to a doctor and I have told my parents.Both of those just made it worse.
I didn't take any medication because I've heard from numerous people that they just make it worse.
The amount of people that recover from this is really quite small(about 2-3%)
My symptoms include:
-Time seems faster
-No emotions(my dad died and I literally felt nothing,I was a little shooken up but other than that nothing)
-Anxious thoughts(not rare,but there is only a small amount)
-Oftenly don't know how to act in social situations
NOTE:I only smoked weed 4-5 times a year ago,I don't chronically use it.
NOTE:I don't want to kill myself but I've thought of suicide before and I just didn't do it because I didn't want to hurt my family and friends and frankly,I appreciate life too much.
NOTE:I have considered having anxiety disorder and maybe PTSD and have thought of going to therapy but that would take up too much of my time and I need all the time I can get for school.Especially now since my grades went from A's to C's and D's,depersonalization being the cause of that.
What do I do?