Kill Me Now?

[iwouldbdanielle]

I realize I've already posted a question, but I feel my "issue" has only grown worse.

So, uhh.. let's start from scratch? I'm 14 years old, and.... I'm not really sure anymore. My life is good, my life is bad. I have everything I could ever want, I have nothing at all. I'm completely sane, yet I feel like I'm losing my mind. I'm a decent student, but lately I have no motivation to do anything whatsoever. I'm "happy" around my friends, but when I get home - or when I'm alone - I just sink back into my own little bubble and want to die. I can't talk to anyone, because I have no one. My dad is emotionally abusive, my mom is too wrapped around my brother's life and her own to even acknowledge my presence, my brother.... well, let's just say I'd be better off discussing things with a goldfish, the rest of my family is much too argumentative to fit in a word and/or they dislike me strongly, my friends are no help - they'd suggest I kill myself which shouldn't be my top priority at the moment.

I also get extremely bad - which I belieeevvveeeeee is - vertigo. Like... I get majorly dizzy and can't think. I barely remember anything. The most sleep I've gotten this week is 2 hours a night and then I'm messed up during school. No, I can't go to the doctors about this. My dad is laid off and my mom is currently losing her job. We're barely making it with what money we have, and a doctor's visit is not in our family budget. Sad truth.

Even worse... that's not even a fourth of everything.
I'm screwed. Any suggestions? Or should I just go lay in the road and wait for a semi?

Sorry that was soooo unbelievably long.

[iwouldbdanielle]

I kind of forgot about this... sorry.

Anywho... I pretty much do live in the middle of nowhere. I live in the smallest of small towns, it's hard to make friends. I still haven't been to the doctors, and the headaches turned to migraines that make me dizzy and I want to pass out. :S

[Haddock_Entrap_Propulasion]

In terms of seeing a doctor, there are options that you may not be aware of.  Unless you live in the middle of nowhere, there are probably publicly funded nonprofit organizations that can offer help, support, and possibly medical care for free or on some kind of sliding scale.  Additionally, you can always apply for medicaid...it might take a while, but you can filly out the application online, and the only thing your parents would need to do is tell you some of their income information for the past...2 years, I think, if you don't already have access to it somewhere.  It's a process, but you should look into it; the coverage is actually -really- good, better than what I hear about a lot of private insurance companies.  
If your friends would suggest that you kill yourself then I strongly recommend you consider finding new friends.  You're in a bad situation, and if the people around you aren't supportive, it's only gonna make things that much harder for you.  
The vertigo episodes sound like they're more likely medical than psychological.  The first things that come to mind are anemia, malnutrition, dehydration, or blood pressure issues.  You really should gt some kind of medical care...a counselor or better yet, if you have one, a family support worker at your school an help you find resources in your area.  

[trekrgirl]

Hi there, wow. glad to hear your not a quiter, are you a fighter (I don't mean fists) I mean for yourself for your life?  I read your profile you have some positives in your life, pets, friends activities, ok so life isn't perfect but y so negative?  Maybe you shoudl try addind one positive thought to your thoughts each day and lose the kill me now thought, I mean unless it is so bad you just want to quit, oh wait didn't you say your not a quiter?

[iwouldbdanielle]

I am staying in school. I'm not a quitter, or I don't strive to.
It's getting worse. it's sad when you can actually feel yourself sinking into this... abysmal blackness. I feel nothing, almost. I'm tired of everything, all the stress, all of my problems. I want them to go away. I want to just crumble and for someone to be there to help me pick up the pieces. Just to be there, waiting with some glue and duct tape. Whatever. I'm whiny. Fricken sweet. Grand.
Like earlier... I was a finalist in the spelling bee (or the bee of spelling as I call it) and our words were the easiest I could've imagined. They were easier than the words I had in the fourth grade spelling bee, to be exact. Necessary and cauliflower were the words. How hard is that? I knew them. I misspelled cauliflower on purpose just to go home and cry. I am seriously messed up. I should just off myself.

[Warped_Reflections]

You dont have to let that be your future. My advice would be to stay in school if you can. I have a friend who even though she does not live with her parents anymore (she lives by herself), she is still pushing herself to graduate high school. She had a very rough life but she is not giving up.

[iwouldbdanielle]

Wooaaahhh. Are you future me? Okay, that didn't necessarily make sense, oh well. You basically outlined MY life within your story. Creeeeeeeeeepy.

Anyway, I don't know what to do. Currently I'm saving money to go somewhere this summer. I don't care where. Just somewhere. Preferably NC. :P I have some friends there. Decent friends. As for my family problems... I'm hoping to be emancipated at 16. I highly doubt I will be, oh well. :S

[Stef110]

I read this and it just reminded me of how I felt growing up. I hated my life. I remember being 11 years old crying myself to sleep praying to god that my parents would seperate or get divorced. I think they just "stayed together for the kids". My father has always been verbally abusive. I remember him abusing/spanking me when I was younger and never understanding what I did wrong. I was 6 years old when we first moved and he only hit me 2 times after that. Which was when I was about 7/8 and when I was 10. But I still got yelled at. Things had happened in my family when I was about 6 that is too much to go on about here.

My brain was a constant fog. I would daydream and zone out all the time. I did as less work as possible in school. I felt awful because I knew I could do better but I felt like I wasn't myself. My parents were too consumed in themselves to really see me and see that I was having problems. I felt invisible at home. I felt empty. I pushed anyone away who tried to be my friend. I still talked to them at school but I never did anything with anyone outside of school. I had developed a fear of having anything in my life. I felt like none of it ever stayed. What was the point in letting anyone get close when we could end up moving again? I was always getting hurt. I felt like I was being dragged around.

I dropped out of school right before I turned 16. I couldn't take the way I was feeling anymore. My mother didn't care about it, obviously. I asked her to sign me out of school the night before school was to start back from winterbreak. I only asked twice. The next morning I ended up just missing the bus. It really was not on purpose, sometimes the bus would come early sometimes late. My mother was working 3rd shift so she would get home about 10-15 mins after I would be picked up. She was so mad that I missed the bus. She complained the entire way. When we finally got there she PARKED the car and waited for me to get out. I sat there for about a minute. Then she said You want me to sign you out, let's go.

My parents were never really concerned about what was going on with me. After dropping out all I ever heard was, Why did you do that, you're stupid and jokes about being in my room all the time. I knew for a fact that I could get my GED one day when I was ready to face all that. I just felt extremely broken and finally got to the point to where I knew I was the only person who would help me. I wanted to live. I wanted to be better, feel better, feel the way I thought I should. I remember telling people I could always go back and get my GED and how they laughed like it was impossible.

I could go on and on. Eventually I gained the time to take classes for my GED. I got my GED right after I turned 22 in january 2005.

To this day, my father stills drinks every day. He has out bursts all the time. He is one of those people who denies having any problem and doesn't see anything wrong with drinking beer. My mother has always been self consumed. I chose to live with my mother after my parents seperated. I felt like I was screwed either way. I would of rather lived with a stranger than either of them, but I had to choose. I went to live with my father in NC in 2004. I am still here and feeling way better than I ever have. I still have issues with letting people in my life. When I start to have that fear, that they will go away, I just stop talking to them before I get anymore attached. It's hard to live with, but with all the other good things I have in my life now I don't consider it to be too bad.

I listened to music ALL the time. It always helped me feel a bit better and helped me get to sleep. Even now, it helps me get to sleep. I have my radio and headphones right next to my bed. I got so upset when my daughter broke the antenna off my radio (not at her, just that I didn't have the radio to listen to for bedtime for awhile). I think maybe my husband was thinking I was crazy, lol. I think I would go crazy without any music at all.